three months today

[kimblanchard]

Today is day 92, three months after Becky died. Day 70 was the first day I went the whole day without thinking what number it was. Since then, it has happened more frequently. The math is harder. Multiplying by 13 and adding one - what I really am counting are the weeks - is not too bad, but not as easy as multiplying by four.

Katie is doing remarkably well. She was strutting around like the queen of Sheba last night after a full week of birthday parties, presents, cakes, and so on. She likes being the center of attention, and so now I will work on shrinking her head to a more manageable size.

I went and reread my one month later and two month later posts, and I am doing better. Some days are diamonds, and some days are stones. (John Denver grew up in a town about 30 miles from my hometown, so you must forgive me - Snowflake I was with you on the posting of the lyrics last week, but then I think sappy is just fine! Let this be a life of no regrets!) I was talking to Abby on the phone a week or so ago, and we could each tell how much better the other was doing. So I guess I am healing. The last week has been hard with all of the birthday stuff going on and knowing how desperately Becky wanted to be here for it.

I went out karaoke singing on Friday, and did a very respectable performance of Jim Croce's "You don't mess around with Slim" if I may say so myself. (I was amazed with how many of the group I was with had never heard that song) But I continue to be shocked by being single. It makes it hard to talk to people. I want to be friendly, but I don't want to be flirtateous, and I have no idea where the line is between them. So one of my friends got a haircut and it was very flattering for her, but I just completely stumbled all over telling her that because I didn't want to be flirting. Damn life is easier with a wedding ring on, even when I am not trying to pick up girls. How much harder will it be when I am? It is too scary to contemplate, so I won't.

Speaking of which, Snowflake turned down the job of screening my E-harmony women. So if anyone wants the gig, let me know. There is no money in it, but watching me squirm is pretty darn entertaining.

Katie and I are starting family counselling next month. There is a child bereavement center here in San Antonio, and they do three groups of children group sessions based on age. For Katie's age, it is family potluck twice a month. I don't know that we need it, but I also don't know that we don't. And it is BC/BS's dime, and so I am feeling liberal about spending them right now. (Last week, I got notification that they had turned down the emergency room bill because they weren't sure we needed an ambulance. Evidently, the fact that Becky died 11 hours later wasn't enough evidence for them. I hate insurance companies.)

Oh, and I should finally get life insurance proceeds this week. It is amazing how paying 18% interest gives them a real kick in the pants to get going. In Texas, anyway, they have 60 days to settle from receiving the death certificate and then they must begin paying 18% interest. That being said, I have no qualms with Mass Mutual; I understand the need to investigate. We gave them the right when we signed up for the policy, and they automatically pay 4% interest from the date of death, which is not required. I wish the doctors had been quicker in responding with Becky's medical records, but that is for another day.

Have a great week everybody. Is there anyone in the KC area? I am headed that way this weekend.

Curtis

[Elaine]

Curtis

Kansas City is my hometown, but not sure I will be there this weekend as I made a stop there yesterday.

It's a beautiful city and i am sure you will find lots to keep you occupied. Glad to hear Katie had a wonderful week of birthdays.

elaine

[mhutch1366]

Curtis,

It's good, as always, to hear from you.

Katie sounds like a perfectly normal post-birthday little girl.

The counseling, family pot-luck style, will also help you to meet and talk to people without worrying about the flirting thing. It'll be good for you too.

I think when time is right, right woman sent to fall across your path by God. to heck with eharmony.

Becky really DOES want the job, she's just shy.

XOXOXOXOX

Prayers,

MaryAnn

[kimblanchard]

I am not buying that one for a second.That gal's enough spunk for the rest of us combined, methinks.

The e-harmony thing has been fun. The matches have been cool, even the ones I wouldn't dream of dating. And it is a great way to put a toe into the water. Controlled communication and a lot of anonymity. Which just means I can do a lot of the heavy lifting about what I am looking for emotionally without other stuff getting in the way. I would recommend it to anyone serious about finding a companion. Or someone in my shoes, who is just thinking about thinking about it.

Curtis

[Snowflake]

But I continue to be shocked by being single. It makes it hard to talk to people. I want to be friendly, but I don't want to be flirtateous, and I have no idea where the line is between them. So one of my friends got a haircut and it was very flattering for her, but I just completely stumbled all over telling her that because I didn't want to be flirting. da_ _ life is easier with a wedding ring on, even when I am not trying to pick up girls. How much harder will it be when I am? It is too scary to contemplate, so I won't.

Curtis,

Here's my advice for how to act around women in your newly and unjustly acquired singledom: be yourself. Right now, your "single suit" isn't quite fitting you too well. It's something that you had folded up and put away a long time ago...it's funny how this suit gets BIGGER in time, unlike those clothes from high school that shrink in the dryer every year (yea, that's it! LOL). You have pulled this suit out from the bottom of your closet and attempted to wear it a little bit lately and are shocked by the way it fits and how odd it is...

Well, dear Curtis, you are wearing it all wrong! You have NOT re-entered the dating scene as a "single man", TAKE OFF THAT SUIT! You are a "Single Father" - button that jacket up accordingly... No matter what the outside world brings, your favorite girl will be at home waiting for Daddy...

Now, start being your new self, the new "normal" Curtis. If you think someone that you consider a friend has a nice, flattering haircut, go ahead and tell her. If this is a friend that knew you as part of a couple, she KNOWS you aren't looking for anything and probably wouldn't consider you "eligible" as she associates you as half of a pair. (Does that even make sense??) Work on feeling comfortable with female friends, women that you know, so that approaching "new" women will be a bit more "familiar", not a walk in the "opposing camp's" tent line.

Iron that suit, start washing it in hot water. You'll grow into it, you just need to work through the binding grief that surrounds you like a corset...work on loosening those stays one at a time (oh geez, now I have everyone envisioning you as a cross-dresser...head back from New Orleans now...).

...and no, MaryAnn, I really don't want the job, but I'll do it if someone has to...

I think, Curtis, you'll have a few false starts before you find the right one. I guess that's just the way it goes...gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince...er, princess!

xxoo,

Becky

[berisa]

Curtis, it is good to know that you feel better comparatively. It has been 2 months after my dad's passing. I think of him every day, especially every night once I get on the bed that really not easy to fall into sleep. Many images and memories pop up every night. My feeling sometimes is like, my dad is still here to somewhere else like immigration or long vacation etc. This feeling is weird, but sometimes I will cry for his passing. His passing is like yesterday. I don't understand why i have these weird feelings. Do you have this similar feeling too?

[paddy]

Hi Curtis, Glad you and Katy are coping well. I agree with Snowflake, just relax and don't even think about it. It's when you are not thinking about it that something wonderful will happen.

All the Best,

Paddy

[kimblanchard]

Thanks again everyone. Berisa, I do not have those moments terribly often, but I do think I have a reason why you might. Becky was a part of every day of my life. Even when I was traveling, we talked a couple of times every day on the phone, and so it is painfully obvious every single day that she is not with me the way she used to be. My grandmother died in December, it is easier for me to imagine her being on vacation or something else because she wasn't a daily part of my life. I would go a month between times talking to her. When something is an intermittent part of our life - which is not to say unimportant, just not a part of day to day existence - it is harder to get used to the absence being permanent because there have been so many cases of temporary absences. Does this make any sense to you?

I think I told this story last week, but it bears repeating. I sold Becky's car when we moved to San Antonio a month ago. When I had her car in the driveway everyday and drove it half the time, it reminded me of her, but it was never particularly dramatic. Last week, I was back in Nacogdoches and I had dinner with the student of Becky to whom I had sold the car. As I came out of the restaurant, I saw Becky's car, and I immediately thought, "Hey, Becky's here." I think the same principle applies. When I saw the car everyday, it didn't register as something different, but since it had been four weeks, it really was a jolt.

Now onto the fun stuff. Most of the time I am out, Katie is with me. When I use my parents as babysitters, I usually go study for a few hours. So it is clear that I am a single daddy. And one of the funny things for me is that I am surrounded by people who didn't know Becky. Even my classmates, who are my best friends, never actually met her. They feel like they know her intimately through me. But they never actually met. And so going out with adventure club folks is definitely a group that never knew me as part of a couple. I do think that contributes to my uneasiness. I hadn't thought of that before.

One of the things I do with the women I have met online through e-harmony is tell them to come here and read my posts about Becky. Short of my journal, this is the place where I am most open and if there are going to be jealousy issues, then let's get them out right away. I love Becky and will draw my last breath loving her. That will always be present tense. That does not, I think and hope, preclude me loving another woman. Someday. So I send them here to get a sense of what I am thinking and feeling and let them judge for themselves how scary a prospect I would be. And then they run screaming. (Actually, not. Which makes me want to run screaming. What kind of issues must a woman have to want a piece of me? It cannot be a rational decision.)

Okay, it is late, and I am tired, so I am headed to bed. Good night all. I look forward to more psychoanalysis in the morning.

Curtis

[Amy P]

Curtis -

I live in the KC metro area - what are you here for? There is some fun stuff going on this weekend - let me know and I can filll you in!

My MIL passed away almost 2 years ago from Ovarian Cancer and my beloved FIL has just started to date again - he is a great man and has a lot of insight and having been through the ordeal of losing his spouse and best friend, I am sure he would be willing to visit with you. I have found him to be a great source of support with my Mom. PM me and I can pass on his info.

PS. he is going back to school to get his master in counseling and wants to councel families of cancer patients