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I can't ignore the monster in the basement!


-Cheryl-

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Hello my LCSC Friends,

I have not posted for a while, but read all of your posts daily. I am still working full time and try to live an active as possible ife that this disease will alow me. Jack and I just bought a 22 ft. pontoon boat. Something we have dreamed of owning for years! I just sent my cantankerous stallion off to be trained so I will finally be able to ride him. A seasoned cowboy couldn't even rope him and load him. Ha! I did it effortlessly- I halterd my mare and he just followed! I am also the number one highest, producing program at work. Life is really good! I am not saying these things to gloat....I am so very blessed and give all the glory to God. Yet, why am I so utterly sad inside. I am afaid the cancer is growing and eating away at all of my hopes and dreams. I have been so nauseated these past few days, that I don't want to eat. My energy level is very low, and I find myself struggling for my next breath whenever I try to do anything. I tell everyone at work that I am good, feeling great! They all think I am cured. I do not want their sympathy, and I want to be treated with respect and dignity. When I had surgery, my boss made a little flow chart of who was in charge in his absence. I was the last team leader on the list ( I was the one with cancer). He told me this week that the chart meant nothing, and that I am equal to his little flunky who he brought with him when he took over. He even sent me to Austin few weeks ago, not his little a** kisser. But, I have earned it and worked hard! I am in my prime now, but this disease threatens to take away everything I have worked so hard to achieve. I am afraid I won't be able to hide it if I get sicker. I am the sole supporter. Jack hasn't worked since his heart attack. O.K. maybe the boat was not a good idea afterall. I am worrying too much about everything. Please God give me the strength to do this. Thank you for letting me whine. I just guess I am feeling like poo and feeling sorry for myself. God Bless you all, and please keep us in your prayers too. Cheryl

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Cheryl,

Turn on the lights. ALL the lights....monsters don't like lights...makes 'em seem their natural size and not their size plus shadow...

Of course, this cancer is a pretty big monster. You let me know when you NEED to go to the basement and I'll hold your hand and walk down with you. You hold the flashlight, I'll hold the bat...

Don't borrow trouble. So far, you're just a little whipped, right? You're still doing treatments, aren't you? (I think I read that...) Having been to battle with cancer, your brain has met the toxic waste the tumor gives off...my brain is forgetting things, right and left. My tests are clear, my head? Foggy as London...

YES, you SHOULD have gotten that d*mn boat! Since you spent that money on it, you make SURE you get your money's worth! Get out there on the water, have Jack watch the waves, nap on the deck! Sunny days scare monsters away...take in all the sunshine you can.

Work is just that, work. If it's a struggle and you aren't enjoying the politics, work on getting through the workday and head for that boat. Keep notes of treatment, how much crap is tossed at the girl with cancer, etc. You MAY be able to stop working and continue to collect a paycheck if your boss keeps screwing around - drop Andrea a PM and get some background. :wink:

Keep living, Cheryl. Sad days are normal for anyone, put in your time on the pity pot and then be sure to FLUSH! We're all here for you, you're doing okay, really. Keep hanging in there!

xxoo,

Becky

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Cheryl,

I wish you were here in person right now--you seem like you need a big hug. Believe me, I understand your sadness. Just when I think life is good, I am slammed into remembering about the cancer. I feel like I walk around with an anvil over my head all the time.

But, life is meant to be lived--and not thinking about what might or might not happen.....I was reminded in a big and very tragic way last week that life is so fragile. My good friend--who is in her late 50's--lost her 33 year old, perfectly healthy beautiful daughter to sepsis--nothing wrong with this girl 3 weeks ago and suddenly she was at the hospital in intensive care and on a ventilator......

So, while I certainly understand your sentiments, and I have feelings like you do sometimes, please try to enjoy your life--I wish the best for you.

P.S.--It's ok to whine too......

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Cheryl,

I sure wish I could write like Becky, but I can't. How does she do that? I couldn't think that quick or be that witty if I tried for the next 10 years to learn how. One thing I do well though is "feel". I feel your fear. I feel your pain. I feel your cry for help. Unfortunately, I don't have a magic reply. You feel what you feel and that's ok - at least for right now. You already know that God loves you, but like Becky said, you just need to stay in the light, the only thing I would add is His light. I don't have the magic reply, but someone else does: "Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." You know exactly who said that, I know you do.

Here's a quote I have on my desktop on my computer:

The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. . . . Your life will always be filled with challenges. - Richard Carlson

I love boats, but I can't swim, so I kind of stay away from them. I will go out on one though, with a lifejacket and fishing pole. :D ENJOY!!

Love and prayers to you,

Peggy

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Cheryl,

Let the monster out every once and a while just so that you can hit it over the head with a huge caveman club. We all have our own monsters, but when you have a rotten disease, the monsters are bigger and uglier I am sure. You have a right to be sad - but just ocassionally.

Life is for the living. In many ways I feel like I am stuck right now, with not a lot of happiness and the caregiving duties (given with joy) just get overwhelming. But no matter, I look for joy and laughter somewhere every day.

Cheryl, you are a lucky woman. A great husband, a fulfilling job and a passion for your animals, your boat etc. Do everything you can to beat this disease and then sit back and enjoy your life.

Love,

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Cheryl,

I wish I had the magic words. Of course, I don't . But one thing that sometimes seems to be working for me is to go ahead and let the monster come up to the first floor. I spend some time with him/her because I know he/she isn't going away. After awhile the monster gets bored and goes back in the basement on its own. I have a feeling that the monster will be with you always, unfortunately. But I bet 20 years from now, Cheryl, that when the monster comes upstairs for the visit, it will look so less scary to you that it won't stay long.

I know exactly what you mean about anything that might be construed as a symptom. That really brings the monster out! One morning before I was totally awake, I thought I was wheezing and paniced. It turned out to be some birds outside my window, lol.

Anyway, get to know your monster. Even monsters have lessons to teach us.

love always

elaine

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I feel the way you described so often it's scary. It's funny sometimes how this disease can effect you. My doctors told me about side effects but mainly physical ones-I think those are easier than the mental ones sometimes... a lot of times :wink:

I worry about this monster coming back in my life all the time. And a lot of times it's more than worrying. I dwell, I panic, I obsess. It's like a thought that never leaves. When I'm really happy or having fun even for a minute there it comes like a flash through my head. i worry about buying things and paying them off. I worry I'm not enjoying my life enough... I mean damn, little things can still annoy me and I didn't stop and smell the roses today! then I beat myself up because I small things do annoy me. I run it through my mind--I had LC! I promised myself when I was going through treatment that if I survived I wouldn't let stupid stuff get me down but it still does. What kind of idiot am I? I just got married last Saturday. I didn't take anytime off work (went back on Monday) have to pay those bills... and I resent myself for not enjoying a honeymoon etc. But I couldn't because I had committments at work... who cares about work enjoy your life the monster could come back at any moment... but I need to pay bills... but you need to enjoy your life while you can... I feel like there is a tennis match going on in my head! This past week I've even been considering taking a 2nd job at night in order to get some bills paid off. But I know I'll get run down and I won't get to spend time wit my kids or new hubby. But I have so much debt that I want to pay off.

when does it ever end? When does the monster ever go away? there is just so much to this disease that they don't tell you about. I wish I could talk to you in person we have so much in common. I play the same tough act at work-I'm good at my job but in the last year I've come to hate it. I'd like to move and get a job where people don't know I was ever sick. I'm so happy you bought that boat and you have your wonderful horse. Enjoy them as much as you can, as often as you can. We need to take each day as it comes and be happy in it.

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Cheryl,

dear dear Cheryl,

It's okay to feel like you don't have it ALL under your thumb.

You are doing an outstanding job of maintaining your responsibilities,

which tells me what a strong willed woman you are.

Life goes on while we wait for the other shoe to drop.

You just can't hold your breath waiting.

When I'd feel bad, I'd take a bubble bath and a nap, praying myself to sleep, leaving it all in God's lap.

If you want some company in the basement, we can have a tea party for the monster.

Let Becky glare at him across the table.

Seriously, when you get scared, just reach out from anywhere

and grab my hand and squeeze as hard as you can, for as long as you can,

and know that the love and support of the people here are always with you.

You're never alone, not really.

Enough time does pass that you think less and less often about that other shoe.... truly....

By the way Becky's beer truck also can hit monsters too, I understand.

Maybe we'll all get lucky.

Bottom line, dear girl, enjoy your animals, your husband, your boat, your life, your love, your achievements.

You cannot foretell tomorrow, but you can certainly live today.

I for one am very proud of you.

XOXOXOXOX

MaryAnn

Prayers always....

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Cheryl,

I like Becky's idea.... Snowflake will carry the bat, you have the flashlight, so that should pretty well take care of the blunt force requirements. I'll hold your other hand, and, wearing Manolo Blahnik heels, stomp on anything that even attempts to crawl out from the basement. If it's on the floor it's fair game for stilleto heels. (hey, I'm a California Girl.)

I wish you didn't feel you have to hide what is happening to you. The stress from that alone would just about do me in. I couldn't keep it up. You're a stronger person than I am, Cheryl.

I don't want anyone's pity, either. What I hope for is acceptance for who I am and HOW I am. I tell people that my noisy and sometimes rapid breathing is just a part of how I am now...along with the super curly hair I now have, and Igor, the portable oxygen tank that I still need on occasion. I give them the responsibility of accepting or rejecting me based upon how I appear and sound, and by doing so their actions reflect upon THEM and their character, not on me and mine.

When I think about you and all you have faced and all you have accomplished I am in awe of your spirit.

And I wish I could have a ride on the Pontoon Boat. :wink:

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Cheryl-

It's OK to whine and be sad at times...I think it happens to all of us. And I feel honored that you trust enough to openly share your feelings and fears with us...I tend to keep mine all under wraps and admit to nothing, when, truthfully, the horror lurks in the deepest recesses of my mind and heart, struggling to get out.

I can only agree with others' advice to continue to find the positive things in each day. Your post shows that you are already doing that from your comments about the boat, your horse, etc. I hope our love and care for you is evinced in our responses, and that they help to perk you up a bit.

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this is either the xanax or the lexapro talking cause I am still in the pits. but.

think of that cell phone commercial where the guy opens the bedroom closet and sees the boogie monster and says "wow your real" and takes a picture of him with the cell phone camera.

ok, its there, we know it, he knows it and you know it. BUT he can only harm us when we allow him too. Live, Live fully, Live Loud and Live big. because tomorrow will never get here and with the way the world is now anyway it could all just blow away tomorrow.

again, its the xanax not me.

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Dearest Cheryl

You are an amazing lady!! It's o.k. to have bad days.............ya' know, tomorrow's a brand new day. Take advantage of that pontoon boat..........grab Jack and head for the water. You BOTH deserve some fun. I'll even help Becky club the big monster and put him in his place...........which is NOT anywhere close to you! May you have many days filled with joy, love, happiness and peace. Saying special prayers for you, Cheryl.

Hugs,

Angie

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Quick note about Fay A. here....I read her reply about the high heels and laughed so hard I cried. See, Fay posted quite a while back that she was losing her hair and that she was going to a New Year's party and was thinking of painting her head to resemble an olive...so upon reading that, I envisioned Cheryl with her blonde hair and flashlight, me with my wild blonde curls and Louisville Slugger and an OLIVE with really long legs and stilleto heels! OHHHHHhhhh, the visual from the bottom of the stairs!! That monster is gonna laugh 'til he pees himself to death! (Will arrange for that by putting a live bare wire at the bottom of the steps...Fay's remodeling, I'm sure she can find one...)

Must be time for bed, I'm going goofy...

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Cheryl,

I really wish you lived here in Wisconsin for two reasons. First, I'd love to give you a big hug and be there to help you chase those blues away.

Second, if you were in my neck of the woods your basement monster would probably have drowned by now. We've had rain almost every day for two months, and most basements are flooded.

It is hard not to feel bad mentally especially when you are not feeling 100% physically. And feeling bad is a vicious cycle. You have no energy so you don't eat which makes you weak without energy. Depression makes you feel tired and lose your appetite, and being constantly tired makes you depressed. It goes round and round until we feel inexplicably bad. But you are doing so many positive things and doing so well, that you just need to break away from that cycle and enjoy the things in your life that raise you up from that pit. And if that mean Pontoon boat, well than so be it, and cost be damned. Go out on that boat and Ride and Party. Enjoy those horses (I love horses), and most importantly Enjoy Jack. You've Earned it, You Deserve it, and All the rest of the worries be D_mned!

I actually don't have a monster in my basement. I think instead I have twin mini monsters and they hang around my checkbook. Either way, spend or save I am harassed. If I don't spend money and spoil my Keith, then one monster tells me that I need to give him everything he ever wants regardless of cost because I don't want any regrets and who knows if he will be around long enough for us to be able to "afford" it, buy it NOW! But then if I spend money, and we are in debt, I have another monster telling me I lacked faith and have given up on my husband, and should be conducting my finances responsibly because to do otherwise would be admitting the possibility of failure and therefore giving in to the beast. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, so I guess I've decided that if I'm Damned, then I'm going to have fun along the way. Look out Ebay.

You are always in my prayers

God Bless

Carleen

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CHeryl,

I can't add anything here except my prayers for you right now...don't hide how your feel- let it out here- that's what this place is for.... And the posts--ALL OF THE POSTS above mine...are a measure of how much we love you here.

Hang in there...or else the wild blonde with the bat and the Olive wearing stelletos may actually pay you a visit!

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Guest bean_si (Not Active)

I've get an idea. When the monster comes out the next day, hand her a broom and mop, get her cleaning. This could be a work-study program. She sounds like a newbie to me, probably first year. Harry Potter's monster seekers turned her down. Lords of the Ring laughed in her face. What a pathetic monster.

Yeah, I think we have her in a place where you can kick her butt.

Cat

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