Guest CindiB Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 I've posted a few times on this board since my wonderful mother, was diagnosed in Oct. But I have lurked, and read, suffered and celebrated with each of you. I am 44, an only child, my mother's caregiver, she was 67 when she was diagnosed with stage 4 NSCLC, they gave her two weeks to live. But not MY mother, she did everything on her terms. It was too close to Halloween and my children would've suffered even more. So , with an opening the size of a drinking straw to breath through, she had laser surgery, which was unsuccessful, to open her passages a bit. She was convinced that it helped, and two days later went home, with no oxygen. She had radiation two weeks later, which shrunk the tumor which had collapsed and completely encased her left lung, dramatically. Against all odds, her lung reinflated, and her breathing eased. Finished radiation in Dec, started chemo (which the dr's said she'd never be strong enough to take) in January. In April we had another MRI , which had to be done in the hospital due to the pain she was in. Not that she EVER complained. The MRI showed mets throughout her body, that her bones were nothing more than fragile dust filled shells. The dr's said it was impossible for her to walk, though she showered and dressed herself before she went to the hospital. They said she'd never leave the hospital. She thought differently, it was too close to my 21st wedding anniversary. On Wed, the onc said she wouldn't live through the weekend. On Thursday she was out of bed doing PT to be able to walk to the potty chair. She was determined not to ever have to use a bed pan.And she wanted to go home. On Saturday she stood, and her hip collapsed due to the cancer damage. They said she'd never make it home. On Tuesday she came home, two weeks after entering the hospital. She wanted to come home to MS to see her brothers and sisters. We got her into hospice care on Tuesday and left on Thursday in an RV taking her from Missouri to Ms. The onc said he had never, in forty years of oncology, seen anything like it. On my anniversary, April 29 we arrived in MS. I set up hospice here, rented a house, and got her settled. Hospice said she would never live a week, that the pain would kill her long before the cancer did, she had cancer in every organ in her body and her bones began collapsing. She walked to the potty chair assisted every time she went. I bathed her and did all the necessities, but my mother would NEVER have allowed anybody to wipe her 'hineybooty' as she called it. She was always a lady. She never stopped saying, please, thank you and if you don't mind...she never asked for anything, never complained, was never grouchy or mean. She had bouts of confusion and forgetfullness, and trouble remembering my name. On my birthday, of course she didn't know the date, I asked her if she knew who I was, and she said of course I do, you are my dearly beloved daughter, you were born 44 years ago today, May 16, 1960 and I can't remember your name, but I remember every moment of our lives and I love you. How did she know the date of that day?? I guess I'll never know. On May 26th, she told me that I (she alwasy worried about me and even when confined to bed was constantly asking if I was ok, or if she could get me something )was exausted, that I needed to rest, and that it was time she was done with all of this. Less than twelve hours later she left us. She never gave up, she did everything on her own terms. She told me when she was diagnosed that she would NEVER die on anyone's birthday or a holiday, a struggle with a family our size. But she did it. Seven months longer than they told her she'd live. When the cancer spread to her brain , hospice said she would have seizures, but not my mother, she would never do such an undignified thing, and though the shaking would become difficult for her to control, she never gave in to a seizure. She was an amazing, incredible woman, who lived her life with dignity, and organized her death the same way. She was a hero, mine, and everyone who knew her. Now I have to learn to live without her, and it's getting worse, not better. I have lost my mother, my best friend, my mentor, my other half. I don't know what to do with myself. And the pain seems neverending. As does the guilt, though my husband says that I was superwoman taking care of her, nothing, as far as I am concerned, was ever good enough. Someone please, tell me that it gets better. I am heartbroken. Cindi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jana_W Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Oh Cindi I am writing to you with tears in my eyes. Your Mum sounds like the most amazing and beautiful woman. How lucky you were to have her as your Mum. The fact that she defied all those obstacles and battles when the doctors and nurses didn't believe she could. Wow! I don't know what to say to you. I don't know if or when things get better. You are living my nightmare so I can only hope that it does get better, and that the pain diminishes a little bit as time goes by. I don't know what else to say. My heart is breaking for you. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. There are at least 1200 other people here who care about you and will be sending you millions of prayers and thoughts to help ease your pain. I am so sorry. Jana xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna G Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Cindi I am so sorry. May you feel peace , please know your Mom will always love you, her love will never die. Donna G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Hi Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss. And the title of your post is wrong. Your mother is a hero. May I (and us all) fight with such gusto when the time comes. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamie Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Cindy, The most important thing I read in this post was how brave and strong you mom was. I know that you have inherited those traits, and THATS what will see you through this. Its tough, but so are you... take a note from your mom. This thing wouldnt beat your mom, and it wont beat you either. Best wishes that the pain eases Jamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 She was an amazing, incredible woman, who lived her life with dignity, and organized her death the same way. She was a hero, mine, and everyone who knew her. Now I have to learn to live without her, and it's getting worse, not better. I have lost my mother, my best friend, my mentor, my other half. I don't know what to do with myself. And the pain seems neverending. As does the guilt, though my husband says that I was superwoman taking care of her, nothing, as far as I am concerned, was ever good enough. Someone please, tell me that it gets better. I am heartbroken. Cindi, Don't feel guilt, you enabled your mother to die with dignity, to go HER way, not the way of the naysayers. You made it your "Quest" to get her where she needed to be and ensure her comfort along the way. You, Cindi, did everything right, you have learned the lessons your mother taught you in her life and she was ready to go. Your mother knows who you are on the inside and she's proud of you. She raised a wonderful girl to be a beautiful woman, you have witnessed grace and dignity firsthand and know that it IS possible to keep both when faced with extreme adversity. Your mother is a testament to who YOU are, Cindi. To me, it sounds like you have a lot of your mother in you. Hold on to your memories, but realize that your mother felt that her "work" here was done, she was just denied the reaping of the rewards because YOU weren't finished with HER yet. I am sure she will be looking in on you and letting the others where she is know that "That's MY girl" with pride in a job well done. Work through the pain, Cindi. You're going to be okay...you're her daughter! xxoo, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hebbie Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Cindi, What a beautifully touching tribute to your mother. I am so sorry for your loss, and while nothing could possibly replace the void she has left in your life, I pray that it slowly fills over time with the beautiful memories she has shared with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glo Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Cindi - I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Wow, what a strong mother. I agree with the others that you've shown that you inherited that strength from her and you will get through this-- you never get over it. As one who has been where you are and is just a little further down that road, I can tell you "Yes, it will get better" -- but it takes time -- and it also gets worse. It's not a straight line - some days are good - some are bad, but now, 10 months after my husband's death, the good days are beginning to outnumber the bad. Just be kind to yourself and don't hold it all inside thinking that you should be able to get over it. I think it's a big surprise to everybody just how deeply a loved one's death affects us. It's almost a physical pain. There are many of us in this forum who will be glad to listen if you want to vent. Feel free to PM me or any of the others who have lost loved ones. We understand. Hugs and prayers going out to you, Cindi. Gloria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Your mom is one steel magnolia! Thanks for sharing about her. The pain of loss gets better with time but it never goes away completely. We can honor them with memroies and how we live our own lives. I lost both parents when I was in my early twenties. When I married, my mother-in-law and I became good friends. When she died, it was like losing another parent. Give it time. Give yourself time. Best to you. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest CindiB Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 Thank you all SO very much, I'm sitting with tears streaming reading each of your wonderful posts. It's such a relief to be able to speak my heart to people that I KNOW understand. I'm just trying to get by, day by day, but the evenings are the worst, and the early mornings. We had coffee together every day for so many years. And I don't wake up each morning mistakenly thinking we are going to do so again, there is such a gaping wound where she was that I never forget that she's gone, or expect her to come in the door, or to here my name. What I do miss is the encouragement, having her to bounce ideas and toughts off of, to ask for advice, to look for comfort and strength. I even miss taking care of her, though I don't miss her pain. She was always so THERE for me that being able to give some of that back while she was sick was the only comfort that I had. I know things will never be 'normal' again, and that things will never be 'ok' again, I'm just hoping for better. Now and again the hope dims a bit, but you guys have given that back to me, so maybe this board will become the string that I hang on by, or the knot in mine thank you again for ALL your very kind words, and prayers Cindi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 Cindi, I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful caring mother. Your post about her was beautiful. As Glo said, there will be good days and bad days. Time has a way of easing the pain but we never do get "over" the loss of those we love. We just survive it and keep on living. In time you will be able to smile and laugh about some of the memories you have of you mother without tears but no one knows how long that will be. Know that her spirit is watching over you and will always be with you. Please do continue to come back and share with us. There are several of us that are walking the path you are on and will walk with you in the days and months to come. This board has been my life saver in more ways than one. Much love and gentle hugs. Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 Cindi, No one loves us as unconditionally as our Mother. To her we are always beautiful, smart, funny and all that is good. Mother's support us in all of our ventures, although we sometimes here a tsk, tsk. And you are right, losing your Mother is losing your best friend, your mentor, your advisor. But, and this is so important, Mothers want their children to be happy. She wants to be remembered, absolutely. She wants to be mourned and missed, for sure. BUT, she wants you be happy and go on with your life. Think of her everyday, talk to her always. Become the woman she as shown you through example. I will pray for this peace and comfort to come to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 Cindy - I want to tell you how sorry I am on the loss of your Mom. But, I also want to say "thank you" to you for sharing her incredible story in such poignant detail. She was an amazing woman, I can see how you must miss her dearly, but just hearing how much she loved you, she would not want you to grieve. I know telling you not to grieve would be ridiculous, but, I just have the strongest feeling that she is with you at every turn and will make that known to you. You had a special bond with her and that bond will never be broken. Always remember that.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 Cindi, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I know it is very hard right now with you having no brothers or sisters to talk to. It so helps with others around. Give yourself time as all of us have to do when we are left here on this earth alone and by alone, I mean, alone with our own individual grief. Time does heal the hurt but it never heals the missing of a loved one... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted July 4, 2004 Share Posted July 4, 2004 Cindi, My sincere condolences to you. What a wonderful account of such a loving, caring and couragous Mother you have. What a truly amazing daughter you are. Both of you were blessed with eachother. The pain? The Hurt? It fades but I am not sure it dissapears. Time is the greatest healer. It always has been for me. I am grieving the loss of my brother who meant the world to me and I am in pain and I hurt but I am also comforted by knowing his pain and suffering and trying to live each day is over. I am also comforted by knowing he is in Heaven and went there that sad day in June painlessly and peacefully. I will see him again as you will see your Mother and she will be without illness or pain. God knows she is so very proud of you. God Bless You, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyridge Posted July 4, 2004 Share Posted July 4, 2004 What an amazing inspiration your mom was for you and now that you have shared her story we all can benefit from her strength and courage. God bless you for taking such wonderful care of her. I will pray for your peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betplace Posted July 4, 2004 Share Posted July 4, 2004 Cindi, Your Mom sounds like a wonderful awe inspiring woman and I am sorry she has passed on. How lucky you were to have her for your lifes inspiration! Please accept my condolances. Blessings Betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna D Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Dear Cindi, I am so sorry about your Mom. I understand completely where you are coming from. In less than 2 weeks it will be 1 year since I lost my Mom. She too was my best friend and my tower of strenght. I am going to be up front with you, the road to this point has not been easy, but as time goes on and as you continue to pass those days of firsts, and there are a lot of them, I find she is within me. You will find her in you as well with all that you've done together, your strenght will come from her. She was a very stong person, and you will draw your strenght from that. I found that happening to me. My Mom too was a hero, and I am proud of it. I want to be just like her and you are walking the same path, I see it there. Give it time, cry, scream, ask why. I still do, but I now know, she is within me, she tries to calm me, as she always did, and you will feel it too. Cindi, it will get better, but it takes time, this doesn't happen overnight. If you want to talk more e-mail me. We are close in age, and my birthday is May 19th. Hang on.... Dona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Cindi, It does ease, but it takes time. I guess we all get sick of hearing that, but it truly is the only thing I know of that works. And the amount of time it takes varies with each of us. And as that time passes we become more realistic in our expectations of ourselves. So the feelings of guilt should ease, too. You can't do a darn thing about the past, Cindi, but it sounds to me like you made every possible effort to provide your Mom with the tools she needed to live out the remainder of her life as she wanted. As both the daughter and caregiver of a woman who had Lung Cancer, and a woman who has Lung Cancer herself, I can honestly say that you have my respect and admiration for taking on the task of caregiver, doing it well, and doing it with obvious love and respect. I hope knowing you did it all right is comfort to you now. I hope that you are able to take the energy and effort it took to care for your Mom and re-focus that on you. You need care and healing right now. Time for you to recover. I am sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Cindi, Thank you for shring the beautiful story of your mother's fight against cancer. I'm truly sorry for your loss. XOXOXOXOX Prayers always, MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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