my dad

[kimblanchard]

I was just e-mailing a friend about being so consistently pissed off with my dad. Any advice would be welcome.

This is a new fight. Maybe. I am going to explain. Or try to.

Becky and I lived together before we were married, against my family's religious traditions. (Though with as little credibility as the Catholic church has on sexuality, how anything they say can be taken seriously is beyond me.)

Bottom line is that Becky and I moved in together (were married, in our minds. Becky's family was going through a divorce and we didn't want to add stress into their lives, and we didn't feel a real need for a ceremony to endorse the commitment we had made; our commitment was enough.) in January 1994. We didn't marry until December 1997, so we lived together for almost exactly three years. My parents never came to visit us until after Katie was born, summer of 2000. So that was five and a half years after we moved in together. I think Becky was always insulted by that. She wouldn't have used those terms, but she was never very open with my parents, but was very close to my brothers and sister-in-law. But my family is close, and I tend to avoid conflict rather than start it, and I had never really given it much thought. I think this is all in the background to my current anger.

When Becky died, my dad wanted to give a eulogy. I didn't particularly want him to, but my mother came to me and asked especially that my dad give one. And so I let him. I never should have. Becky had her faults, to be sure, though you will likely never hear me talk of them. But she was never ever pretentious. She had less ego than anyone I have ever known. She was so sure of her inner goodness that she never needed to be competitive, to compare herself to others. She never cared what other people scored on a test; if she got an A (and she basically always got an A), that was good enough for her. And that is also true if she got a B. I don't think I need go any lower; I cannot even imagine her making a C. She was just a gentle and humble soul.

So my dad gets up there and in his eulogy compares the life of Becky to the life of Jesus. You may have heard of him. The saviour of the world. You see, Jesus lived 33 years, Becky 31. Jesus's ministry was 3 years, Becky's two. (Of course, that completely ignores the seven years she spent teaching while at FSU, but my parents do not acknowledge those years). Jesus died in the spring, as did Becky. The bottom line is that his eulogy made me realize that he had never ever met Becky. Part of that was Becky knew how completely full of shi_ he is, and just showed him want he wanted to see. Never opened herself up. But my biggest complaint about the whole business is that I think he used the occasion of Becky's death to get up there and show the world how profound he is and how wise. It was a performance. And it was full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

It was the only part of Becky's funeral that was not quintessentially her. Every prayer, reading, song, and eulogy contained her essence. I felt her with me so completely, except for when my dad got up there. He was talking about someone I have never met. To make himself look cool. And I don't know how to forgive that. And so now I am feeling the insult and the rejection of those five years when they had a chance to get to know Becky but declined. For the last three months, every time he has entered the room, I have wanted to leave. Every time he opens his mouth, I want to punch him. I know it is not healthy. I know, even, that it is not fair. He was not malicious, just oblivious. I lost my wife and he is taking bows.

What angers me the most is that I see the same impulse down deep inside of me. I, too, like to be profound and wise. I, too, am mostly full of shi_. Becky always saw through it, and could make me see through it, too, without ticking me off. I am afraid that I won't be able to see through it anymore.

So I am left completely unsure of how to proceed. I don't know how to forgive this. But I also know more acutely than ever that our time here is short. I don't want to feel like this forever, but I don't know how to change it. But I have spent the vast majority of this weekend alone, because I could not bear to be with the rest of the reunion because he would be there pissing me off, never shutting up.

Curtis

[Andrea]

Curtis,

That is a tough one. I don't really h ave any advice, I never believe in saying anyone should do one thing or another b/c you never know until you are in the exact same shoes so to speak.

Is there another family member you can talk to about your dad, who you trust and who you know won't say antyhign to your dad? It is possible that your dad just did not realize what he was doing in his eulogy and maybe he thought he was doing good. I know that throughout my life, up until my mom got diagnosed, if I was in a bad mood or upset about something, I often took it out on my parents b/c I could. LIke I would never lash out at co-workers like others do, I'd take my frustrations out on someone close. And maybe that is what you are feeling with your dad, you are comfortable with him and he is a target.

Please don't hide for the reunion, if he upsets you, tell him bluntly what is wrong and see what he says. That is just my two cents worth.

I am so sorry you are going throuh this

[teresag]

Curtis, I see one difference between you and the unfavorable qualities you see in your father: you have insight. Well-meaning or not, your father did not recognize how his eulogy affected you.

I agree that your Dad may have been trying to do good; it may have been his only way of trying to reconcile with you and Becky. Some people are good at these things, and others are not. His way of expressing sadness was not your way, but maybe it was the best he could do. Do not allow anger to cloud your generosity toward a man who may have only been trying, albeit inadequately, to say he is sorry.

[Don Wood]

Curtis, your dad needs to be forgiven, and you need to forgive him, even if it is just in your heart. Forgiveness is more about the forgiver than the forgiven. As long as we don't forgive, that person controls our lives. We need to let it go and move on. And anger takes its physical toll as well. Forgiveness is a decision, even if we don't feel it. We decide to forgive and then live into it, with time.

I am sure Becky's memories will keep you straight, because you remember her advice even now. Continue to do that -- for her, and for your child, and for yourself.

We are forgiven only as we forgive. Too many of us forget that. I hope you find the peace you seek. You have a lot of support here. Don

[Ry]

Curtis,

Don't do anything while you're angry. It will just turn ugly and won't get you anywhere. Don's advice is good, best to forgive and let it go.

Talk to one of your brothers and get the anger out. When you are calm and can get a better perspective on things then decide how to approach it.

Rochelle

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

That's a tough one alright. I understand your anger. This has got to be so hard for you because you are in a sad state of mind right now. It's been a tough time for you, losing Becky and having to deal with your own grief and the grief of a child who can not understand.

It would seem you need to take care of yourself. Part of that, would be to be kind to yourself and give warmth to yourself. Look, when you feel anger at someone else, YOU are the person who suffers. YOU are the one who is hurting. That's why anger at someone else is so profoundly useless and harmful. It only causes you further grief.

I wish I know how to tell you to get over the anger. I wish I knew how to do it myself.

Pity your father. He has never reached down far into his soul to open himself up to others who don't fit his idea of what is "right". He never had the chance to know the beautiful person that you did.

Pity him, Curtis.

Cat

[lilyjohn]

Curtis I can so relate to what you are gong through. I have been there myself and still many times feel the same anger and frustration. In my case it was Johnny's family as well as my own.

Johnny's son spoke at his memorial service and the words that came from him were words of a stranger. He had lived all of his life with his dad and never had bothered to really know him. He made the remark that the only time he had ever seen his dad cry was when his dog had gotten killed. That is when I knew how little they really knew him. I had seen Johnny's tears so many times and many of those tears were because of his sons. Many nights he sat with the phone in his hand waiting for a call from them that never came. I saw his tears then and all the while that he was sick and the last two days of his life. All he wanted was for them to call and say they cared or to inquire about his health. He never got that. Because they were not there a decision was made that ultimately took his life.

I am still angry and I still hurt over their treatment of him. The problem is that I know how much he loved them no matter how they acted. In some ways I have forgiven them but in many things I can't. I have decided that I can live with that. You see they are his and I love them too because of that. I can't reconcile the two feelings no matter how hard I try. Instead I have had to just except the fact that I can't forgive them but still love them. I hope that someday love will help heal my anger toward them. Until then I just muddle along.

Like you I have beat myself up for not being able to get past those feelings so I won't tell you that you need to forgive for your own peace of mind. I'm sure you know that as well as I do. Knowing it and doing it are two different things.

Johnny was so much a part of me and his death has left me alone and at times very frightened as well as hurt. On my recent trip to visit with my family it was very hard not to talk about Johnny. My children are special to me in a way that only children can be yet they really don't know me. They never will comprehend what I am going through. they never met Johnny so there is no way that they can. Does that make me angry too? Your damned right it does but I can't change them any more than I could change Johnny's kids. So I go on and do the best that I can. Maybe someday I will be able to forgive them all but until then I know that God knows what is in my heart and He understands. The rest will just have to find their own peace because I have a long road ahead of me to find my own.

God bless you and don't give up on what you know that Becky felt. It sounds to me like she was a pretty special lady. Your dad is not being mean. He is just being different. He is who he is and you can't change that. All you can do is love him in your own way and go on and live your life. Just don't let those feelings keep you from being where you need to be. When that happens it is you who will pay not him.

[stand4hope]

Curtis,

I was angry at my mom for most of my teenage years and most of my adult life for reasons I won't go into here. If I told you, most would probably think I had a pretty bad mom, but I really didn't. Somewhere along the way I realized that if I had walked in her shoes, I would have done the exact same things that she did, especially things that hurt me terribly. I was able to forgive her when I understood why she did the things she did, but we never did get the closeness that I am so jealous of that other women have with their moms. We did have the fortunate opportunity to bond before her death, though. I was able to spend the last 7-10 days with her almost around the clock while she was in the hospital. At that time, there was no more anger, only tears. It was sure was a waste when I think about the 40-50 years of pent-up anger on my part, and the misunderstandings that transpired between us. I hope you can get this mended with your dad soon so that you don't have to carry these feelings with you forever. I know it's hard, but sometimes we just don't see things the way others see them. If your dad cared enough to give the eulogy, I think he probably loves you very much and didn't mean to hurt you.

Just some thoughts.

Love,

Peggy

[kimblanchard]

Just my thoughts about this. I do understand, I had a big MOM problem and all the thought in the world would not erase the emotions. After she died I was able to be more neutral about it. I even pity her now and on one part wish I had done more for her but on the other part I know I actually couldn't do more for her than I did. Couldn't at the time.

This goes for you, your Dad, me, my Mom - what we/they did is part of who we/they are/were. It made sense in their version of reality. Believe it or not, they did their best. We did. We all did. You can't be mad at somebody for being who they are, can you? Sure you can. But after a while, if you are able to get a perspective, his behavior was more sad than anything. There's a book called, "Loving What Is" that examines accepting life as it is, letting go of the anger and the hurt and the demands that it be other than it is.

Another thing and I bet you already know this. When bad things happen it is human to find someone to be mad at. Displacement. Not that you are wrong to be offended, just that you have a lot of anger and hurt inside and it may spill out on to anyone or anything, in excess for a while.

About forgiveness. You don't have to feel it through and through. Just start by saying I forgive him and after a long while it may be true. You will have done what you could and need have no regrets later.

Best of luck to you Curtis. I am so sorry you were hurt again.

Margaret

[Joe B]

Curtis,

I think at some point it would help to be honest with your Dad about your feelings. But first I think the advice Don gave is best-- try and forgive in your heart. Sometimes just deciding that you will, and then working on it each day is all that it takes.

But I wouldn't approach your Dad until you have worked through all your feelings on the topic, and have thought through how to approach it with him in a respectful and unemotional way. The objective should be to improve your relationship with your Dad, by helping him to understand your feelings.

Even if he initially rejects what you are saying or puts on a defense mechanism (like anger, withdrawal, projection, denial...etc) he will eventually think about it, and it could be the basis of dialouge with him in a productive sense.

And most people will respect someone, who takes a risk to address something that is bothering them, in order to grow a relationship.

When I was younger I had some anger and distance with my father. Just over the past 5 years have we gotten closer. I still haven't addressed every hurt with him (i don't think I ever will either, unless some good can come from it) ... although, now that I am a father.. I sure forgive him a lot more than I did before I had children.

In a way , I wish he was a stronger leader with our family (even now as adults his 7 kids still need advice) , but I really do respect him and know that he did his best for us always. He just is far from perfect... and thats OK... because so am i.

Joe

[teresag]

I once read that forgiveness does not depend upon the response of the forgiven. I think that is poignant.

[Fay A.]

Curtis,

My Dad was pretty awful. He really was. And I've watched anger like yours eat away at some of my relatives, even though Dad has been dead for over 14 years. The anger has robbed them of a lot of what should have been good moments and memories, and what should BE good moments and memories. (The anger robbed you of some of the happiness from this July 4th celebration.)

I don't blame you for being angry...I didn't start to let go of mine until I could look at my Father not as my Father, but as the fallible human being that he was. I didn't make excuses for the things he did, but eventually my anger was replaced with sadness, and then compassion for someone who was so out of touch and emotionally untouchable. My Dad actually began to make some changes in the years preceding his death (and some of them were a bit like what your Father did at Becky's funeral). I tried to keep an open mind about what his intent was, and not focus on his delivery (he was absolutely clueless, Curtis, and most of his efforts to reconcile with others came across as being all about him; HIS need to be forgiven, HIS need to be loved, HIS need to be told to forgive himself.)

Good Grief, I don't know where I'm headed with this, except to say that I'm not trying to be wise, and I'm not trying to turn what you wrote about you and your situation into being about me...telling you what my experience has been is the only way I know of to let you know why I'm saying what I'm saying. And what I'm saying is this:

You have every reason to be angry with your Father for the things he has done.....and you have every reason to try to forgive him for the same. Your happiness and peace of mind depend upon that forgiveness, as does Katie's. Send your Dad a letter and spell things out for him, but wait a while until the feelings are not so raw-yours and his. Be prepared to accept that if you do this he may cut you off forever. Be prepared for the idea that you really may not care if he does (what a surprize THAT was to me). Be aware that your relationship with him influenced the person you are now, and some of how you relate to others is very much like what you've attributed to him. And most importantly, you just lost the love of your life a few months ago, Curtis. You're going to be angry about all kinds of things, and rightfully so. Don't forget to forgive yourself.

[kimblanchard]

I got a very interesting pm that I replied to, and I thought I would share it. I hope all details as to who wrote it are gone, because s/he wanted to remain anonymous for good reason.

Thanks for the nice words. I think one of the things I had to do was get it all out so that I could get a grasp on what I am dealing with. And one of the deeper things that has hurt me, even beyond what I posted Sunday night, is that I had always looked to my dad as this font of wisdom because he talks like that. And when it came to be a time in my life when I could really use some wisdom, he had nothing but trite and vacuous things to say. Now, nobody else had much wisdom either, and that is largely because what is there to say anyway?

Another thing that is helping me work through this is that Becky's parents did appreciate what he said. So maybe that should be enough. It wasn't what I needed, but maybe it is what they needed, and their pain is at least as great as mine. And his intentions were honorable. So I am coming to terms with this. What I posted on Sunday night was the first time I was able to put all of those things into words. Once I did that, I was able to start seeing how high a bar I was putting on my dad, how much of what made me angry were things that I see in myself and don't want to see there, and how his intentions were good even if the execution of them was poor. He was trying, he is trying, and at some level, just trying doesn't cut it, but at the same time it is all I can ask for.

Thanks again.

Curtis

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

Curtis, How you worked it out makes more sense that all the advice we gave you!

Cat

[Don Wood]

Beautiful how you worked that out for yourself, Curtis. You are on the right track. Peace. Don

[mhutch1366]

Curtis,

You're good people.

"You can play in my sandbox anytime..."

(just an expression of sharing and friendship).

XOXOXOXOX

Prayers always,

MaryAnn