Always something to make me hurt

[lilyjohn]

I wanted to write about my trip. It has been on my mind but the heat has been so intense sense I have been home that I spend most of my time trying to keep cool. I promise to tell about it in detail at a later date. Now I have something else on my mind.

It is strage how my trip seemed to coinside with other dates. Dates that were so special to me and my Johnny. I left here on May 20th witch was exactly two years to the day that I got to Johnny in Washington for a visit in 2002. I left San Jose on June 2nd witch was two years to the day that I had left Johnny to come on to California. I left Louisiana on June 28th two years after Johnny had fled from his home to a motel. I arrived back here on July 1st and that is different. I left California on July 2,2002 to go to be with my Johnny and care for him. Now I have these other dates to face again. It is because of those that I am writing. It has been a very hard two days and more are to come this week.

I got to Washington to be with Johnny in 2002 on July the third. We spent the forth in that motel room with me watching the fireworks from the window and him laying on the bed too sick to get up to watch. Tomorrow will be 2 years that I had to call 911 and put him in the hospital. That was when my nightmare really started and every minute of that day and the ones that followed are branded in my heart and mind.

I got home with such hope. I felt so strong until I realized the date. Now I am back again to those last agonizing days of my Johnny's life. Nothing takes those images away. It doesn't help that Pam and I had a disagreement about something too. She has been the one who was always there for me but something she said tonight hurt me. I know that it was not intentional but added to everything else I can't seem to stop the tears.

I know that in a few days the worst of the aniversary dates will end for a while and I will snap back. It is just so hard when these things come on me so quickly. I really did have a good trip and want to tell about it but for now my mind can see nothing but Johnny's death and my pain.

As I have mentioned before I have been writing mine and Johnny's story. Not long ago I wrote about his last days. I have decided that in some way what we went through may save someone else from those same experiences. Because of that I am going to make two posts about his last two days and his death. I warn you that they are very grafic but they show just how quickly things can and do get out of hand. They also give an idea of things that others should look out for so you or someone you love do not face those things unprepared. I hope that I don't offend anyone by posting them here. I just believe very strongly that I have to find a way to maybe save someone else. God knows I have enough pain and don't want anyone else to have to live with the pain and self doubts that I do.

Thank you all for putting up with me. I do truly love all of you. Lillian

[Fall54]

Lillian,

I know how dates haunt you as my husband died on March 13th when I was 28 yrs old. I later dated a man and fell in love with him, but our love was not to last but to always be the best of friends. We even lived together after we broke up as friends. He also died on March 13th. Both my husband and he died the same day ( different years) in the same way (car accident) and in the same town. I hate when ever I see 313 anywhere and it seems to come up quite often. It probably did before but I am aware of it since the date meant so much to my life. You can see why I know that dates are hard and I have more examples that I wont go into. I pray that you just remember the love you shared with Johnny and be happy that you had the time you did together. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

God Bless You,

Jane