Need Advice

[tnmynatt]

Good Morning! I really could use some advice. I want to say and do what is best for Charlie. Here is the situation:

He has been working everyday since he was able to after he had a blood clot in his leg in early Feb. Last week he started working in the evenings like he use to before the dx. He had a deadline that got moved at the last minute. He started a new chemo. on Friday. On Sat. he became very ill with an infection with a temp. of 103. It totally knocked him down for 3 days. Last night he worked again to get ready for his deadline this morning. He didn't sleep much...he's complaining of an oversensitive tongue. This morning he admitted that he was hurting all over. But had to go to work.

I really want him to quit work so he can focus on getting himself better--eating better, exercising, sleeping more, etc. It's not giving up, just focusing on his own health instead of making sure other things are taken care of. He could do projects around the house at his own pace with no deadlines. Is it wrong of me to want him to give up his job?

Please tell me what you think. I can take it. Take care and have a good one!

[betplace]

I can surely sympathize with how you are feeling. Maybe rather than quitting completely Charlie could take a medical leave of absence? That way he can take the time to get well, but not have given his job up completely. I know one of the things I really resent about my situation is having to give up my work so I could go on Medicaid to get my treatment paid for (no insurance). Your emplyment is so much a part of your identity. I wish you both luck with this and hope Charlie is feeling better soon.

Blessings

Betty

[nadri]

Hi Tina

Sounds like Charlie really does take his work down a notch or two. Concentrating on his health right now should be his main concern. Having said that may be it helps him to have something else to think about in his day. Would it be possible for Charlie to carry on his role on a part time basis? Some people just don't like to rest too much!

Charlie is in my prayers

Sarah

[Elaine]

I concur with Betsplacce. However, maybe instead of a leave of absence he could go on short term disability. Most all employers have that as a benefit. Not all offer long term disability, however. You could have him check with his human resouress person or check wth his benefit package that he received at hire. You could do the checking for him. Does his employer know of his DX?

Would it be possible to go on part time?

elaine

[brm1949]

Please excuse me if I upset anyone. Sometimes we try to hide and run from difficult problems by pouring ourselves into work or other activiities. This could be a form of denial. But to do this can sometimes make matters worse. If you could possibly convince him to concentrate on the battle now, he maybe able to perform at a much more productive rate in the future. None of us like this but we have to do what we have to do. Pride also can get in the way of what reality is doing to us. Please forgive me if I have offended anyone.

[Snowflake]

Tina,

My thought would be to talk to him about cutting back. I would not approach him about quitting. His job may very well be his "escape" from the cancer, his way of feeling he is a provider for the family (man thing), and by continuing to work everything is still "normal". I live with a husband and I know that not working would really hit him hard emotionally since he DOES view himself as the provider. Yes, it is important that Charlie focus on his health and getting better, but he also needs to keep his mental health, as well.

Find some compromise, maybe working part-time or short-term disability and let him work back up to full time when some milestones are met (i.e. proof that his butt isn't dragging)...

Opinion only, after all, I'm just a 'girl'.

Becky

[Fay A.]

If he has recently been treated for a bacterial infection with antibiotics the sore tounge may be indicative of a fungal infection (Thrush). He may want to have that checked out, because fungal infections are no fun at all, and very common.

Hope he is feeling better soon.

[teresag]

brm1949, I don't think you've offended anyone - just spoken the truth. Throwing ourselves into our work is an escape from cancer, at least temporarily, and you can't blame a person for wanting that.

tnmynatt, you know better than anyone else how to speak to Charlie about taking it easier on himself. Sometimes it helps to ask the dr. to reinforce the message. Good luck - you can do it. - Teresa

[john]

Have the doctors been giving anything for the blood clots?

Maybe it is possible to work part-time? Some people need to work (I don't know Charlie), though working part-time might be a good compromise.

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

Using the Family Medical Leave of Absence will insure his job or a similar one will be there when he gets back. His insurance will continue to be paid. If he has any vacation/sick days, he can use them. He can ask up to 90 days. It's the law - they have to give it to him. He can ask for days off during treatment and then return to work and then go out for (say) another 30 days of treatment and return to work. He just needs his primary or oncologist to sign it. You get the FEDERAL papers from your personnel or Human Resources division.

This way he wouldn't worry about losing his job. Of course, I'm assuming he has vacation and sick days to kick in and use for pay. There is short term disability but since I had a stroke at the age of 30, they refused it to me. It was paid by the employee. Check to see if he has anything like tha;t.

If he doesn't have STD & wants to go on Family Medical Leave of Absence, I know other companies have an option where employees can donate their vacation and/or sick time to someone who needs the time.

Just trying to think about options.

[Don Wood]

We men solve problems and fix things. That's what we do. Cancer is a whole other ballgame, and we don't deal with it too well. We do tend to hide in our work.

There is another aspect to this -- the tension between fighting the beast and taking care of ourselves, and doing activities we can control so we feel like we are accomplishing something and it helps our sanity. I agree I would not push for his giving up work completely right now, and settle for cutting back.

I see Lucie wear herself out running errands, sewing up a storm, etc. and we both know it will tire her out and she will have a feel bad time. But we realize she has to do some things she can control and feel good about as well. Therein lies the tension. I have decided to not nag her as much about her tiring herself and to support her in what she wants to do. It is her life and her decision. And, yes, it is very hard on the caregiver to allow that, but I think it is the most loving thing to do.

Good luck. Don

[Andrea]

I ditto what was said in general

Could he possibility go on disability?

I understand your fear, you just want what is best for your loved one.

[luvmydog2]

Just wanted to post my feelings, from my experience, on this subject.

When I was dx I intended to continue working as long as I could take it. My main reason was that I had 16 sick days and 4 weeks of vacation built up. My employer allowed me 6 months FML. This was 7 1/2 months with pay. Had I chose to take them early on, then when I needed them they would have been gone.

I got Chemo and Rad at the same time and was going to work as long as possible. I saw my Onc about 1 time every other week. He would always ask if I was still working. We were looking for surgery after my treatments. About 6 weeks into treatment he told me in a nice way that if I continue to work that when time came to possibly do surgery then I would be "Run Down" and surgery would be worse for me. What he was trying to tell me I needed to keep my body up as much as possible.

I knew that when I had surgery that I would need all my time that I saved. Also I was looking at the possibility of SSDI after surgery. I knew there was a 6 month wait for that (or longer if denied) and I needed income for that time.

After my surgery was done, I fought tooth and nail to try to go back to work. One day the boss caught me just right and told me he was going to need to make a decision before long. My reply was "here let me help you" and gave him my keys.

I have worked sience 13 years old and felt like I had worked all my life and life would not be the same if I did not work.

Anyway 13 months later and still wanting to find a job that I can do.

As for Charlie, you know him better then we do. Is he happy working? How are you financially? Could you make ends meet if he quit? If he is like most of us are then that fear has crossed his mind of loosing a home or life savings etc. Like the others have said...maybe part - time. One more thought...can he work from home? He could work day or night when he was up to it.

Take Care and hope you get into Vanderbuilt soon. Nice place there. You and Charlie are in my prayers. Now....Look up and .

[tnmynatt]

Thanks so much for all the good advice!

For starters I just need to calm down and take it slow.

Here's the situation:

He works for a small company where he is a key employee. If he isn't there to do the work, most of the work doesn't get done or doesn't get done very well. Since he is responsible for estimating jobs, submitting proposals and buying the materials, it is a job that greatly impacts the workload and profitability of the co. Therefore, he is completely dedicated to getting the work done regardless of how he feels. In the past, he has been appropriately compensated for his dedication, thoroughness, accuracy, etc. When he was in the hospital and at home in Jan. and Feb., they continued paying him (in effect short-term disability) and he talked by phone with them when they reeeeally had to. He even worked on an estimate in the hospital before going for his port insertion.

Throughout his 37 rad. treatments and simultaneous chemo. treatments, he only missed 1 day of work.

I have discussed part-time with him in the past (before dx) and he has not been receptive. Maybe that's an approach I need to take with him...but after things settle down a little bit.

Financially, we could make it and I know that he qualifies for SSDI and he has LTD coverage. The major issue on his and my mind, is the health insurance. The insurance is through his work and I am self-employed.

Does anyone know how that works if he is part-time or goes on disability? Is it possible to keep the insurance or would we HAVE to make other arrangements.

Sorry if this is too long. I am sooo grateful for each one of you and your words of wisdom. I just hope I can give you'll as much support down the road. I liked someone's suggestion of setting up "prayer warriors." I would like to participate. I don't remember where I saw that.

Anyway, take care and have a good one.

[Ry]

Not sure on the insurence question but because he works for a small company and is a key employee the Family Medical Leave Act does not apply to him. It only applies to employers with over 25 employees and key employees are exempt.

Hope all works out...

Rochelle