The "AngerTowardsTheOneWhoIsIll" Rant

[Don Wood]

Andrea, thanks for your post. I went to the website and see a lot of rage there. It is a good lesson that we make assumptions when we really don't know who this person is and where they are coming from. We need to tread lightly. Don

[lilyjohn]

I guess it is time for me to jump in here and give my two cents worth. Anger destroys lives I know this for a fact. My ex husband was angry all of the time. As someone said he used his anger to control me. I allowed him to do that for a very long time until I got smart enough and strong enough to say "no more". I almost lost my identity because of his anger in many ways I lost much of my life or I should say the things that could have made my life much happier.

When I read the post AKI made I became very angry and did not answer because I knew that any answer I posted would be hostile. I was thinking all morning about answering that post and how to do it without being overly judgemental. I see now that would be impossible.

One night Johnny said something that really hurt me. I know that he had no idea that his words stung so much. It was time for the pills that he was addicted to. When that time came he lost all reason and later remembered little of his remark. I walked out of the room so I would not answer him in anger. Later that night he asked if I was mad at him. My answer to him was "no. I am not mad at you but at the circumstances. I wish I had someone to kick around to vent my anger on." He understood because he felt the same way.

What I read in AKI's post is not anger or fear. It is indifference. To me indifference is even more cruel than anger I watched that kind of indifference help take my Johnny's life. It may sound like I am being over dramatic with that statement but I am not. That is the truth.

He had 3 sons and lived a life full of emotional hardship to be with them. He stayed in a marrige that all but destroyed him so he could remain with his sons. When he was sick and needed them they were never there for him. I watched what that did to him. I saw his love for them and their indifference cause him to suffer. We needed both physical and emotional support from them but got neither. There treatment or I should say lack of treatment to him caused his anxiety problem to get worse. Not being a part of his care and not knowing what was going on with him led his son to make a decision that cost him his life. Johnny had had a bad reaction to Morphine but his son didn't know that or that Johnny had refused to take it again. When his doctors determined that he should die they went to his son instead of Johnny to get permission to give him morphine. That killed him.

I am still very angry at them at times but I have come a long way. I know that had they bothered to find out about his condition and give us the support that we needed he would not have died when he did nor gone through so much of the agony of his last days.

The whole problem with my anger is there is really nowhere to direct it. They don't have a clue what they did to him even now. I have all but told them point blank that they are partly responsible for his death but they can't see it. I doubt that if I came right out and accused them that they would see even then. Why? Because that is just the way they are We can not change people to be different than they are. They are basically good people but just don't get it. They live life in the here and now. If you are with them or talking to them they are loving and and supportive. When you are not with them they don't even let you cross their minds. I have said many times that this is the ME generation. I know that Johnny's sons loved him and that they are finally seeing just how much they have lost. I also know that they will never understand the part that they played in his death. They are just incapable of seeing because they are not like us. That is the bottom line. My anger toward them only hurts me and at the time it hurt Johnny. I can not forgive them but I have to let the anger go because I know that they will never see.

If AKI should read this thread I hope he or she will see the damage that indiffernce can cause. I do believe that he/she does love the mother or they would not have taken the time to post here. They like so many others have a very selfish way of seeing things.

This post has led to a lot of anger and deep feelings being expressed. Maybe that in itself is a good thing. I wish I knew the answers but all I can say is that anger does no one any good. I HATE CANCER and IT makes me angry not the person who is trying to stay alive. Maybe that is what everyone needs to focus on and keep giving the cancer hell instead of eachother. Lillian

[Elaine]

Lily

Maybe we should do a sticky poll:

Anger, fear or indifference.

Aki is a kid, who is suffering, that we know pretty much for a fact. Please don't make his suffering any worse than it already must be.

I don't know if you read Pam's post on this matter, but I urge you to find it.

Aki seems to me to be someone who feels quite deeply. SOmetimes people's silence is not indifference. Sometimes people not doing anything is because they don't know what to do or they don't feel they have been welcomed to do anything. Lots of reasons people do or don't do things. Mostly, it boils down to the fact that people are human.

[Jana_W]

Ok. Time for my two cents worth. It's pretty simple really.........if you were Aki, how would you feel being discussed and dissected like this. Supported? I think not.

I don't get any of this at all. Aki, if you read this, I am sorry that you had to. That isn't fair.

Take care

Jana

xx

[Guest]

Hi All

I have to agree with the wise words of my little sister here.

POOR AKI!!!!!

Personally, I didn't get from the post that he is angry - just scared and emotionally isolated. The fact that he found this site and went to the trouble of posting demonstrates that he is trying to deal with this situation.

Regardless, if I were him, I would be absolutely horrified to log in and read this amateur analysis of his personality. He came here for support, and look what he got.

If we are deleting threads around here, then I think this one should be considered as a candidate for erasure.

Karen

[Fay A.]

I'm not deleting anything. I do feel badly for Ja na, but I feel worse for her/his Mother. (I keep saying her because in Japan Aki is usually a girl's name.) I've read where Ja na has posted again under Newcomers, and I am wondering how old this person really is. The fact is I reacted strongly to what was originally written because I've been living with something similar for the past 9 months. (I stated clearly that I'm not objective on this topic) I think that my feelings, and that of Ja na's Mother are just as valid as Ja Na's or my child's feelings. So, I'm not deleting what I wrote. Because I'm not ashamed of what I had to say, even if the delivery wasn't as good as it might have been.

[karenl]

I hear you, Fay. My only point is that Ja na is the one who came here for support, not his/her mother. And I don't really think s/he is getting it from this thread.

If this was a thread discussing the general topic of a child's reaction to their parents' diagnosis of cancer, then I wouldn't have a problem with it. It just seems to me to read as a bit of an attack on Ja na's response to his/her situation, and I think that is unfair.

Just my opinion. I am not in favour of .,.,.,.,.,. either, but I think this discussion is occurring at the expense of a newcomer to the board.

Karen

[Elaine]

Oh I see people aren't touching this thread today with a ten foot pole.

So let me try...

I must ditto the sisters. Fay I hope you understand how Cat and I felt when our words were erased. We didn't have the option you do and Cat didn't have the option the second time around when the thread was again deleted.

I think this is VERY unfair to Ja Na, who is after all just barely an adult. Even though my posts on this thread were an attempt to help people understand that the behavior of JaNa was not damnable, I am sorry I even participated. To me, this thread comes under an attack on a member. One is a member once one has signed up, last I knew.

I also want to say this: Having been around people who are ill most of my life, there is a bit of self-centeredness about people who are ill. This includes me, and this includes FayA based on what she wrote above. I am not saying that it is wrong to be self-centered given our circumstances, but I am saying that people who have never been ill don't quite know what it means TO BE ill. I hope you know what I mean. People who are ill talk a lot about their last treatments, surgery, etc etc. I imagine, based on my own thoughts, that they also think about these things quite a bit, too. I think it is natural to do this, a part of the self's way of survival.

I'll let these chips lay where they lay.

There's a great song: Suite Judy Blue Eyes and the appropriate lyrics are:

"This does not mean, I don't love you, I do. That's forever and for always."

elaine