niececola Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Hi, I have probably asked this question in one way or another over the past few months, so forgive me if I am becoming a nag. My mom has been in the hospital now for 3 weeks. All this stemming from her pain in the sternum. She has received radiation and that area is feeling better. Her breathing has caused her some trouble, her pleural effusion is still small, so I guess the breathing is labored b/c of the disease? She is eating again, stopped for a couple of days. Her anxiety and depression have hit all time highs, and no one can seem to help her. She is on meds and is talking with someone. I think she has just given up at this point. Or maybe the cancer is taking over and she is too tired to fight. Or maybe she can't get any rest in the hospital and needs to be home. I don't know. But I feel I am right back in the same place I was weeks ago when I was getting upset that she was not eating. If she chooses to not fight this, what can I do? I know that she feels like what is the point. But there is a point, isn't there? She is still here, she is not dead yet. Maybe I am being too hard on her. Her scans are pretty much the same as last year, but does that really mean anything? Maybe this is just more of a rambling post, but any advice would be greatly appreciated. She has started Iressa, I know the odds are not great that it will work, but I am praying that it does. Thank you, Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Hi Denise, I am praying the iressa will work for her too. I dont think you were rambling, I think you are at a very tough place right now and need some help and support. My feelings may not be the same as others but I will say them any way. Some people fight until there is no fight left and others decide enough is enough and dont feel strong enough to fight or have lost the will to fight. Whicever the case your Mom will be a lot better off if you accept what she wants. She needs peace and if you are trying to make her fight and she is done fighting then you need to tell her that you accept what she chooses. I know how hard that can be but it is the most compassionate thing to do I believe. She has to go through a lot to find the peace she needs and having you accept what ever she chooses will help her find it. My heart breaks for you as I know how hard it is when the person say's no more. My brother decided that and I accepted it as I knew his fight was becoming fruitless and his DR's agreed. He became so much calmer knowing the fight was over and the people he loved were accepting to the fact that he could not fight anymore. I understand your pain but you need to understand her's. My prayers are with you both. God Bless You Both, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niececola Posted July 23, 2004 Author Share Posted July 23, 2004 Thanks Jane, I needed to hear that. Sometimes a situation keeps presenting it self over and over again, always seeming slightly different than the time before. The bottom line is I have to accept how my mom chooses to live her days here on earth. I think the thing that is upsetting and hard for me to get my head around is that she thinks the end is near, so why bother? But what if it is not near? What if she could do things to make herself feel better? Either way, it is her choice. I just hate to see her afraid and scared. Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Denise, I know how much you hate to see her afraid but maybe that will go away when she makes peace with her decisions. I am praying for you both. God Bless You Both, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Denise, I know I've said this before but you sound like I did when my mother was fighting her cancer. After awhile she seemed like she gave up. I just think it was because of all of the reasons that you mentioned about your mother from lack of sleep to just being tired of the emotional rollercoaster. I can't begin to imagine what was going through my mother's head. She went through hell. But because she still had a breath in her body and she hadn't passed on to the next life I thought I had to push her to fight more. There is such a fine line. Many times I didn't know what to do....accept what was happening and just let her be or try to help her fight like hell!! I know how hard this is. My mother said towards the end that "this was no way to live" and I agreed. So I was there all the way and held her hand and each day was different for her emotionally so I tried to gage how she was each day as to what I would say to her. Some days I would just say - you need to fight harder and other days I would just hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her. If you need to pm me you can. Stay strong. Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Denise, I am so sorry, it is not easy. To me somethng you said makes sense, she is so tired it is hard to fight. WHen you have no energy you can't do things. BUT your mom did walk the other dayw hen she had the strength and she eats when she can, so don't look at it like she is giving up If she were giving up she would not have agreed to start Irsessa. Being in a hospital also makes yolu feel blah. It is good that the scans have not changed, she could be feelign teh effects of just the entire toll on this disease. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Denise, Is there any way your mom can come home? Somtimes they will let you out for a day visit? (sounds like prison, but you know what I mean). Maybe that would help. Anyway, I think you are right to follow her lead, but maybe getting out of the hospital will give her a boost so that she will lead you to help her keep fighting. Sure thinking of you and your mom. elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenl Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Denise I don't have any advice for you, I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. I believe you are doing a fantastic job of helping your Mom. Don't forget to look after Denise too!! Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Denise, So very sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time with your Mom. Sometimes I think we have to stand back and accept what the person themselves wants, even if it hurts so terribly. I do hope your Mom starts to feel better soon, it sounds as if she is terribly depressed . Prayers coming your way. Paddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 I think everyone has given you some good advice and all from very relevant perspectives. I do have one suggestion which I hope might work, but it depends on her doctor. Can you make an appt. to see her primary doctor for the cancer, I guess that would be the oncologist, and just ASK what her basic, physical problem is? why she isn't breathing well, etc.? maybe if you understood the dynamics of her illness it might help you understand more what might be going on in her head. of course, some oncologists are more open and willing to talk about this sort of thing than others, and you also have to make sure your mom has given the doctor permission in writing to talk to you. could be she's too sick to fight right now, and maybe she IS fighting as best as she's able, and you are worrying over that part for nothing. or maybe she has given up the fight, mentally, but to me that is the patient's choice and a way of winning, if she has decided it's time to step back and just live the best she can. I hope that makes sense. Please keep us posted! Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shiva34 Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 i think that you need to let go of some of the what if's. Your mother knows what is best for her and she needs your support. I know that i always thought that my mom should do more to fight but i supported her in any decision she made. It wasn't until after her passing that i truly realized that she was not capable of fighting; she was too sick. Enjoy the time you have with her and don't spend too much time worring about the future. it helped me to know that i did everything i could to make her happy and that i made everyday count. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niececola Posted July 26, 2004 Author Share Posted July 26, 2004 Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to add words of encouragement and advice. I was home all weekend, a very tough one. Many conversations with extended family about "the end", the funeral, etc. Tough things to talk about. I think what is happening right now is my Mom is severely depressed. The realization hit her this week that she is not going to get a cure for this disease. She believed all along that she could beat this. So, I think she is dealing with issues that a lot of people dealt with when they were first diagnosed and it will take a while to get comfortable with this idea. She is supposed to go home this week and has said to many people she is not going home to die, she is going to do things that she enjoys and I have spent a lot of time focusing on this, to get her mind off the cancer. But she has refused to get out of bed, refused the PT, etc. Not really sure how to help her. So, that is the update for now. Her best friend comes in this weekend and her sister returns from vacation, so maybe that will help. Maybe being home will help, she misses Clover and her garden. Thank you all for your continued support, it means the world to me. Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamie Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 Denise, Im so sorry that your mom is so down. Even if there isnt a cure for her right now, you never know what the future holds. Try and cheer her up as best you can. I think her friend and sister coming will help alot. Maybe doing something somewhat "normal" might work. I dont know alot about this, but Id be willing to try anything. I hope things get better over there Jamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 Denise, I am sorry your mom is so down. It's a hard place to be. All I can add is, prayer works. Prayer for strength, for acceptance, for your mom to be able to sleep well, and recover from the depression. Take care of yourself, too. Maybe a visit from her friend and her sister will cheer her up and motivate her in a way you cannot. XOXOXOXOX Prayers, always... MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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