Guest Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 Connie, My thanks to you and to all the other board members for asking about me and for their support. I did go in to have a surgery, but only had a mediastinoscopy. Dr. Kourlis decided not to operate because my cancer has spread to the lymph nodes in ny mediasteinal area (T4), including the soft surrounding tissue. I have been staged now at III A-B. I have an appointment to see an onocologist for the first time on the 12th this Thursday. I am sorry for not corresponding as of late, but I am having a great difficulty of doing anything, except cry perhaps. I am such a mess right now. I pray constantly for God to give me the courage to fight this disease and the will to live. My memories of my parents deaths from cancer are forever imprinted into my mind. I am scared and so very sad. My husband of 20 years doesn't know how to help me come back among the living. I love him so much that he makes me want to live! I hear myself talking and it just doesn't sound like me. I am so ashamed to tell you what it is that I do.... I am a therapist that works with children! A job that I adore! I am afraid that my kids will see me sick and it will scare them, or if I die that it wil mean another loss in their lives. So I have not gone back to work yet. I am not sure If I can with the upcoming treatment. My goal is to shrink the nodes and have surgery if the doctor will do it. I think that is my only chance at survival. Unfortunately, I can't seem to pull myself together, much less heed the advice I would give to another. I feel so lost and helpless right now. I guess that means that there is no profession which protects you from cancer and the emotional turmoil one faces when diagnosed. Connie, when I saw that you had survived the same diagnosis and been cancer free for eight years, I began to have a glimmer of hope. Did you have surgery first, then treatment? Any feed back would be helpful. Waiting for treatment has been brutal, I feel like the cancer is spreading all over my body! Does anyone else feel like this? Sorry this was so long. You are all in my prayers. Cheryl Ferguson Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terrie Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 Cheryl - I had treatment before surgery. I was in for a mediastinoscopy/repeat bronch (I originally was to have the surgery then) and although the nodes were clear, the trachea was involved. I had chemo and radiation at the same time for 1 month. After two more tries at surgery (under anesthesia, etc.) they had to stop again. However, in January I had my right lung removed, and WOW what a difference in my LIFE. It is a long, scary road, but with your faith and a good doctor you CAN and WILL beat this monster!! I have to admit that my surgeon from Pgh insisted I go on an antidepressant - it really helped!! I know alot of folks on this board will agree - it really gets you through! I will pray for you for your onc. appt. this Thursday!! You're not alone - we're all right there beside you!! Terrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 Hi Cheryl! (((((((((((((CHERYL)))))))))))))) Welcome back Cheryl, and BOY do I hear what your saying my friend! Pretty much what we have all said or felt or been through one time or another during our journey into hell! And yes this is hell going through all this! I had my surgery first and then 7 weeks later I started my treatments. I know of some that have chemo first and then surgery and then chemo and or radiation after as well. I was told by a Onc Doc friend that they are doing more and more surgeries on stage IIIA-B then they use to. At least up here in the Midwest anyway. And Cheryl, I cried a LOT TOO!!! Like you I watched my mom, dad and sister go through this and I had NO REASON to think I was going to beat it. You are still at the early stages of your journey and your thinking pattern isn't working all that great right now, and RIGHTFULLY SO!! And GOD BLESS YOU for thinking of your kids and others around you, so typical of a Lung Cancer Patient to do this! We're scared to death,(bad choice of words,) but our first thoughts are of OTHERS! Go figure!! This board and group is HERE for YOU my dear. YOU NEED TO VENT and you need to ask ton's of questions. Some of the answers maybe scare the living crap right out of you where others will give you the push and support you may need to get through this. I know when I was going through the early stages of my journey some people would tell me stuff that just scared the begezzes out of me about lung cancer. So, you MAY hear things you don't want and if so, just hit the delete button. Having said all that, I am SOOOO GLAD you checked in with us. And I hope we can give you the MUCH NEEDED SUPPORT you are in need of right now. Take care and let us know how it goes at the Onc's office. Do you have questions written down to take to him/her? You will want to do that. I also suggest taking a tape-recorder with you. It's okay to do that, because you aren't going to remember 99% of what is being said that day. Nor will your hubby! (grin)! Take care, and we're here for you!!! Warm and Gentle Hugs, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 Cheryl, I feel horrible that you are feeling so bad, and that things have taken a bad turn. It's hard enough to get the original diagnosis, and then to have everything changed and restaged is doubly hard. I think DaveG can probably relate well with what you are feeling. It's ok to cry and be scared. I cry all the time for my husband, and myself. I am so scared every second of the day. Cancer Sucks, and I can't imagine anything as scary. But I am holding on to faith in miracles. I am counting on God's ability to heal, and to inspire others towards discovery of a cure. There have been so many advances in lung cancer lately. This battle is still beatable for you. Take the time you need to cry, but when you're done, get pi$$ed at this Darn disease and get ready to kick it's butt. Others here have done it. There are those here with the same staging as you who are doing it. You WILL beat this. You are young, strong, and you have a lot of life ahead of you. I am praying doubly hard for you Cheryl ((((((((Hugs)))))))))) Carleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David A Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 Hi Cheryl, I too was dx 3a/b in may 02, had a mediastnoscopy and found out the cancer was in my nodes also, so I was orginally told that surgery wasn't an option then. I had chemo in late may and mid june 02. Had another cat scan in early july 02 and the tumor had shrunk enough where the surgeon felt there was a good chance of my nodes being clear. So, july 24 02 I had the upper right lobes removed with I think 7 lymph nodes, 4 were positive for cancer 3 clean . Then in october I started 36 doses of radiation. Since then I have had 2 cat scans feb03 and may 03 and both come back no eveidence of disease. Wish I could tell you it was a cake walk I'd be lying, but I would do it all over again. Hang in there Cheryl you have lots of new friends who know what it is like to have this disease and will pray for you, cry with you , laugh with you, pick you up when you are feeling down , and listen to you. I wish none of us had to be here, but I'm glad we have this great message board to come to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 Cheryl, Ok let me add this positive note. First of all my mom is also stage 3A-B. She has never once been told she is fatal or desperate or even running out of treatments. her onc. told us "I can treat you" and when it went into her brain "OK lets get rid of that so we can get whats left in the body out" never once did he say "OH GOD its bad go home and put your affairs in order" nope he is gonna fight as long as she needs it. Your going to make it. Your treatable, all stages are, there are survivors in every level of this. Keep fighting the good fight, get mad at the cancer and tell it "I have no time for you, so go away" train your mind to dight the cancer and that you have long range plans. We are taking the stance of guilting my mom into living by buying her a new washer and dryer and pretending we dont know how to use it. This way she feels guilty about dying and stays here to wash our clothes. I am just kidding about the guilt but we did buy her those gifts and told her were thinking long range so she better too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beckyg Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Cheryl, Hang in there. I am in the same boat you are. I was in for surgery in February, and they found cancer in my mediastinal lymph nodes. I have been through chemo and radiation and now I am biting my nails and waiting for the results of a PET scan I had on Friday. (My CT scan was inconclusive.) I guess the point is that you are in the right place and keep coming back--there are lots of us around who know exactly how scary this is. My doctors are all very positive with the exception of one I am about to fire. Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DaveG Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Cheryl: Carleen said it so well, as I can relate. I was rolling along, as a Stage I and felt so good because I had made it 18 months. Then, "wham", it comes back and I suddenly go from Stage I to Stage IV. Just last night, my wife fixed some pork steaks, one of my favorites. She smothered it with onions, which I love. I ate one bite of the pork and got sick. I felt so bad for my wife, as she really put a lot of effort into the meal. I cried for over an hour because I felt so sorry for her, for the time and effort she put into the meal. But that is what chemo has done to me, it has changed my taste for food. My wife, and how I love her, came into the bed room and craddled me, as she realized that it wasn't my fault that I had lost my taste. I wanted to give up, but she won't have any of that. Cheryl, my point is this, to gain, there must be some pain. I know I have made the right decision - fight this with all my might. Judging by what you have said, you will do the same. Depression, self blame, denial, why me's, are all processes that many of us here have gone through. It is all part of accepting what has happened with us. We continue and carry on the fight. This is our lives we are talking about, and that is something I am not ready to give up. The nice thing about LCSC, you come here and vent. We have been where you are at. We understand. I, personally, go through hell every three weeks, but I am not going to give up. You can tell us everything that is bothering you, and someone here has gone through that. So you are not alone, you are amongst friends and people who care deeply for the other person. Come here as often as you feel is necessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaMRG Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Cheryl, Im glad you came back to let us know how youre doing. My father is IIIa and is undergoing treatment right now. He will undergo treatment for another 6 weeks (they are dragging it out, giving him smaller doses over a longer period of time as he only battled lymphoma two years ago). After that he'll have a CT scan and PRAYERFULLY WILL BE SCHEDULED FOR SURGERY!! He had one node affected in the mediastinum. I cry, get angry, feel numb, and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!! I will not give up faith, not for a minute!! Do the same!!!!!!!!!! Keep us posted!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiny Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Dear Cheryl, It's good to know what is going on in your life, even if it is crappy right now. You were so very honest in your post; I really hope you achieved some catharsis...that is why we are here. We've all had our turns at questioning and doubting and angering, etc., etc. I'll be saying special prayers for you. Please keep us posted when you have the energy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anniemac Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Cheryl, I sure understand how hopeless you feel, but please listen to the others. It's certianly not the end of the road for treatment. My husband is Stage 3A and had 1 0r 2 nodes involved. He had 5 weeks of chemo and radiation and the tumor has shrunk enough that he is having his surgery tomorrow. Our doc said that even if the surgery was not possible they would still be treating him with cure in mind. I feel they will never give up on him and I sure won't either. Feeling depressed and hopeless is normal. I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayres. Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Cheryl, so good to hear from you again. Sorry that you have to seek alternate treatments, but you have a plan and I hope and pray that will be a successful route for you. Please keep in touch with us and let us help you through all this. Blessings. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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