JoniRobertWilson Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 Sometimes, I'm "fine", then all of a sudden, I get knocked back by the realization that Robert is gone. It's like waves of the ocean, rolling in and out, sometimes pushing farther, sometimes gentler. The evenings are the worst. That's when we finally would sit down together and chat about the day. Robert would always let me watch whatever on TV and he'd sit in his chair reading or acting interested in "e" or entertainment tonight, whatever stupid show I would watch. I miss those times. The simple times. I miss him standing in the door frame of the bathroom when I would get ready. He was great and I miss him for me and Alex . Alex and I are going away for a few days soon and I am hoping that I'll be able to relax so the memories flood in. I love being surrounded by his stuff - his books, tools, etc but I think being away from everything will let the emotions come in. I've felt his presence several times and I keep trying to think of what he would want me to do. I know the answer to that - whatever would make me and Alex happy. Ok, I know the answer to that too, I want him back. I miss you Robert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 I understand what you are saying, Joni. I think the thing I miss the most is the time after Katie had gone to bed when we would hang out in bed together and read or work crossword puzzles and talk. Becky had a chronically itchy back, so I would scratch her back every night and we would talk about our day. And it was the kind of conversation that was measured not in minutes but in months and years. I miss being a part of that kind of conversation. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 Joni I am glad to hear that you and Alex will be t aking a trip. You need time to relax and regroup. The love you have for Robert will go everywhere and will be in everything that you and Alex do. My love to you both. elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 Joni, The hospice social worker asked me this morning if there was anything she could do for me. I said, 'Yes, make Earl better.' We both knew the answer to that but when you love someone so much and they have been such an integral part of your everyday life, losing them is torture. Earl is still leaving me a little bit more each day and I can't even begin to express how hard this is for me. I can not imagine how difficult this must be for you. I have to believe that time is merciful. That as days go by we will smile more and cry less. We will never forget but we will learn how to live this new life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 Joni, I remember only too well feeling like I had been dropped in the middle of the ocean and having no clue which way to swin after Randy died. I could not see the shore and I felt like I had no life preserver too save me. I found that by coming back time and again to express myself like you are doing, that I found my life preserver. It was this board. There are many here who know how you feel. I am glad you are going to get away for a couple of days. It will do you wonders. It will help you and Alex to be able to be together and not just at home. You are both in my thoughts and prayers. Take care hon. Much love, Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HerSon Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 It does come in waves. There are times when it really hits me that mom is gone, and other times when I try not to think about it to help me get by. I found that taking an anti-depressant can help a lot in reducing the emotional loss pain on bad days. It seems to have gotten a little better now that it's almost 4 months, but I remember a conversation that I had with mom about death when she was still here. She said... "When someone dies you just have to grieve for a while, and then go on" I'm still grieving, and just trying to go one the best I can. I think we all have to go through this in our own way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamie Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Joni, I think a get away will be good. I know this is a rough time, I wish I could say something to make this all better. I also know that no words can help. I just hope your broken heart mends soon... Jamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Joni, I all too well know how it feels riding on those waves. I think I have gotten to the point where I just "bob" along and let the waves take me where they will. Dennis and I also enjoyed our evenings together. Some people miss the nice quiet times but we never had too many of those. Dennis was a plumbing contractor and it seemed he was always on the phone setting up schedules and returning calls he didn't get to during the day. I miss that! I miss the noise and the chuckles, as Dennis was always laughing! The quiet is what drives me out of my mind. My house has never been quiet...until now! I'm have to share my experiences with you regarding "going away." Most here have said they are glad and think it's a good thing. After I lost Dennis, leaving the house was very hard for me. I would feel so good when I walked out the door, almost like I was leaving pain and bad times behind. But, then when I was out the driveway, I couldn't wait to get back inside the house. That house was where I felt closest to Dennis and that is where I wanted to be. There are still times that I feel I have to be at home....just because my best memories are there. I hope you find peace and are able to relax and enjoy time with Alex. I know this is all so hard for him to understand! Hell, this damned disease is even hard for me to understand and I'm an old lady!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 I too understand how you feel. For me it was like having the world suddenly pulled out from under me. There was ne steady ground beneath my feet/ Some days I still feel that way. I can be going along and think I am doing fine then it hits me. It is like a freight train out of nowhere just zeros in on me without warning. On those days I have learned to just go with the pain instead of fighting it. The harder I fight it the longer it lasts. No one should have to go through what we are but it happens to many of us. I guess it is a way to make us stronger as many say but I feel like a defenseless child on the bad days. I am still looking forward to the time that there are more good days than bad days. I'm just not sure when or if they will ever come. The time I miss the most is the everning time. We would go into the bedroom and before going to sleep Johnny would have me read to him and then we would talk about what I had read and our lives and feeling as well as beliefs. Then we would snuggle together to go to sleep. One of us would have our arms around the other and he would use his feet to draw my legs to him and twine them together. Those were the special times the times that I ache for every day of my life. I was much like Ann. I would want to get out of my house for a while but once away I felt the need to run home to the place where I had been with my love. The place that held the memories of my happiest days. Circumstances caused me to move only 5 months after Johnny's death. I can't help but wonder if that is not part of the reason that my images are still so vivid. Never give up on that feeling that he is with you. There will be times when you feel him all of the time and others where you question what you have felt because you are not feeling it any more. I believe it is at those times when we are learning to rely on faith. Faith that our true love is just a breath away waiting for the day we will join them for eternity. God bless you and your son. I wish you as much peace as you can find. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Joni, I understand very well, but I rather stay away from answering your post as it would break me down. J.C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Joni, I understand what you are saying about the waves. I don't feel as if I am in the ocean, per se, but as if the ocean is ME. Sometimes there is a high tide of emotion that throws me off completely, other times it is just the background noise of the lighter waves lapping at the shore... Some days the ocean is warm, the grief is comforting (I know, that even LOOKS odd) and other days the grief is a cold Nor'easter in my very soul. I cannot imagine what your grief is like, I have never experienced anything that large in the mourning category. I realize that it is something you need to go through, that you won't "get over it" - ever, but that it will get different and you'll be able to get through the days without so much pain. I hope the water stays warm and comforting for you, no matter the size of the waves. It's the dark stormy water that is scary. xxoo, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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