kimblanchard Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 I guess I am jumping ahead a few hours, but it looks like I will make it to my birthday tomorrow. It hurts, of course, being the first one since Becky died. It also marks that I will be older than Becky when I die. As if I deserve more years than she, when it is so truly the opposite. As if deserves has any meaning in that sentence. I find myself pondering the lyrics to a Harry Chapin song; as usual, his words are the soundtrack to my life. Though I am only 32 tomorrow, that doesn't rhyme, so I will leave it at 34. The whole song is spectacular, but must be read about nineteen times to be scratched. Here is the bit that got me thinking about the song:+ Well just today I had my birthday -- I made it thirty-four Mere mortal, not immortal, not star-crossed anymore I've got this problem with my aging I no longer can ignore A tame and toothless tabby can't produce a lion's roar But as I listened to it, over and over today, here is the part that I focus on more and more: Yes I read it in the New York Times That was on the stands today It said that dreams were out of fashion We'll hear no more empty promises There'll be no more wasted passions To clutter up our play It really was a good sign The words went on to say It shows that we are growing up In oh so many healthy ways And I told myself this is Exactly where I'm at But I don't much like thinking about that Harry -- are you really so naive You can honestly believe That the country's getting better When all you do is let her alone Harry -- Can you really be surprised when it's there before your eyes when you hold the knife that carves her you live the life that starves her to the bone Good dreams don't come cheap You've got to pay for them If you just dream when you're asleep There is no way for them to come alive to survive It's not enough to listen -- it's not enough to see When the hurricane is coming on it's not enough to flee It's not enough to be in love -- we hide behind that word It's not enough to be alive when your future's been deferred This is telling me to get off my *ss in no uncertain terms. But I feel like such a tame and toothless tabby. Incapable of a good roar. Incapable of being so moved that I can be heard about the things important to me. Incapable of making a difference. That is how I feel right now. But at least the remedy for Harry is in the song, too: Well I got up this morning -- I don't need to know no more It evaporated nightmares that had boiled the night before With every new day's dawning my kid climbs in my bed And tells the cynics of the board room your language is dead And as I wander with my music through the jungles of despair My kid will learn guitar and find his street corner somewhere There he'll make the silence listen to the dream behind the voice And show his minstrel Hamlet daddy that there only was one choice Of course, the gender is wrong there, but is it enough to foster Katie's roar? Does it excuse me being a tame tabby? I wish I felt it did more. I wish I didn't feel like I am squandering this life. Making as much of it as I should. Making as much of it as Becky would. I don't need Becky back; I want her back, but we are getting along okay as much as it hurts. What I want more than anything is assurance that she is proud, that she approves. Maybe I just need to give up on being a lion and accept the role of the toothless tabby. Especially if it means I can nap. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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