Snowflake Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 The forum is "For Those Who Have Lost A Loved One to LC"...and I have, me. Two years ago, I was productive in my job, a quick study and THE go-to person in the office. Two years ago, my brain ran like a fine tuned machine and I could multi-task and do the job that in previous years was completed by two people. Two years ago, I was newly married and looking forward to time with my husband and watching my son grow into a young man, go to college, get married and begin a family (and to ENSURE it was completed in that order! lol). Two years ago, I was happy for the first time in a long time. I hadn't won any lottery, bills were tight, there was the evil ex-wife to deal with, step-kids I didn't understand (and still don't, some things never change), but I was happy... ...and then, that Acme anvil that darn Coyote is always dropping fell right square on my head and I was knocked into a spiral... Now instead of being secure, I worry about monsters under the bed... In place of multi-tasking, I multi-fumble my work...I wonder if I'll see my son to high school and driving, if I'll be around for grandkids, etc. I think about dying more often, I lose friends right and left...and I get scared. That never used to be part of "me" - scared? Yeah, about as often as I cried... I've cried more in the past eighteen months than I have in the five years prior, that includes a divorce, a big, ugly divorce! It also includes working for Hitler's younger sister....health scares, money problems, etc. I miss my old life.... But, on the flip side, look at all the wonderful people I've been able to meet. Love to all, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 But not that sorry. I, for one, love the new you. I probably would have loved the old you too, but we will never know that. The world is a better place with you in it. So stay a while. Is there anything so great about multi-tasking? And why should you be doing the work of two people? Do yours and go home and play with your kids. Even the stepkids. To quote from the Music Man, the sadder but wiser girl is the girl for me. Long live snowflake the new. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Becky, I can really relate. Even though I'm the caregiver, I feel like my world has been turned upside down. In July last year, we had just finished having our kitchen remodeled - all new cabinets, wall paper, floor, lights - everything. We were really enjoying the new kitchen and anxious to show it off to family at Thanksgiving/Christmas. Just a few short weeks after completion came the jackhammer. Nothing has been the same since. We don't give a rip anymore about the kitchen and focus has been on freakin' cancer. My mind was consumed 24/7 at first. I was on the internet day and night reading all the bad news about systemic stage iv lung cancer, brain mets, etc., and desperately looking for anything hopeful. I didn't find anything until I found this website. Everything previous to this website gave my husband less than a year (4-10 mos) to survive. Next week we will hit that one-year mark, but that still hasn't changed the fact that this disease has become all-consuming. It's changed me. I go to bed at night with it on my mind and wake up with it first thing every morning. I don't have the drive or the concern about my job that I used to. When I'm working, I want to be here talking to all of you because, even when there is horrible, tragic news, there are still messages of hope. I know that my husband's diagnosis is one of the worst, and I'm not stupid enough to believe that he is going to survive forever (short of a miracle), and because of that, I also find myself constantly thinking about - well, thinking about "if that happens." I HATE IT! This horrible disease has taken my mega-macho man and turned him into a tired, whipped puppy, and I HATE IT! It's all I can think about. It's taken a huge portion of my optimistic, happy mind and turned it into a sad, depressed, dreading-the-future mind. Oh, don't get me wrong - probably at least 70% of the time I am still upbeat and optimistic, but the other 30% is what has changed. That's 30% of me that has been lost to lc. I can relate. God bless everyone, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmydog2 Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Now instead of being secure, I worry about monsters under the bed... In place of multi-tasking, I multi-fumble my work...I wonder if I'll see my son to high school and driving, if I'll be around for grandkids, etc. I think about dying more often, I lose friends right and left...and I get scared. That never used to be part of "me" - scared? Yeah, about as often as I cried... Becky I know how you are feeling right now. I know where you are coming from. But wait a minute... Who was it that used to tell us "watch out for the beer truck when we go to cross the road? Cancer can rob us of many things. It can't rob us of our dreams. Keep dreaming girl. Dream of those happy days that you had in mind 2 years ago when you found happiness. Keep dreaming of your son graduating high school, going to college, getting married and then your grandchildren. One day those kids will be driving Grand-ma to town. Spend today cherishing the time you have and stop wasting it on "what - if and when. Remember that beer truck might get you before the disease does. Hope this helps to lift your spirits. Now quit looking at that monitor and . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hebbie Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 I'm right there with you, sweetie. However, Curtis has a point: Is there anything so great about multi-tasking? And why should you be doing the work of two people? Do yours and go home and play with your kids. Even the stepkids. I learned after diagnoses that I didn't WANT to work 60 hours a week. A job is just.....a job. I didn't WANT to walk 6 blocks in the dark to the train station at 8:00 at night and take the hour commute home just to crawl into bed and get up at 6:00 to do it all over again. Now I come in to work at 9:30 and leave at 4:00 -- and the job still gets done. I take walks after work with my son and make a healthy dinner for my family every night. I play games and read stories before bed. I relax on the weekends -- usually with a good Lifetime movie! I miss the old me.....but only the part that wasn't afraid of the dark. Not the part that was too busy to appreciate life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Becky, I know I can't really understand because I don't have cancer. But I know that I look for your posts because you find humor in the strangest places! It is a gift to be able to lift the spirits of others going through this hellish nightmare. Even if it's a momentary lightheartedness or a laugh, it matters. It matters a lot. So, good-by to the old Becky, whoever she was. Sure, that Becky could work, but the new Becky helps people who are hurting, and does it with STYLE. And she teaches us how to find moments each day to laugh and enjoy being alive. Thanks. Pam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Hey Becky.....I, for one, think you're pretty cool just the way you are!!! Hey...didn't Billy Joel do a song about that???? I think that everyone on this board is a changed person because of that monster under the bed. I know that I am very changed and I'm not sure that is all together a bad thing. Of course, I would rather have Dennis back and be the "old me" than to be without him and have this new "I can get through this" strength! Anyway...just a strong vote of reassurance here....I think you are super just as you are!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Becky, I wrote about missing my old self not long ago. You were one of the few who responded -- maybe I wrote it in the road less travelled. ANyway, you might read what you wrote to me. Sure there are things about your old you that you miss. But you have also grown so much in so many ways-- I mean like emotionally, philisophically and spirtitually etc. One thing I tried to do to with some success is look at the changes IN me that I did like. I bet your list is longer than you might think. I know mine is. love you and hate to see you sad. I know I am sadder these days. I used to be more like the clown who always or almost always hid my sadness. Now I have to fight some to get my clown to come out. I am rambling on and I don't know what my point is, but just want you to know that you dont have to be strong OR funny all the time because we love you no matter what. I know it's probably hard for any of you, even you Becky to believe but I used to be someone others would lean on. I can't hardly bear to have to lean on others, but I know you will still be loved if you find you sometimes need to. Cookieman and all of us are in it for the long haul. I just know it. love elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Becky, You haven't lost you. The real, loving, funny, smart, love of Mark and Andrew's life can never be lost. Different sure. This disease makes everyone it touches different. We are sad for sure, scared - you betcha, but in some ways better. I think we become more compassionate, more caring, wiser. We appreciate each day and each person much differently. There is so much good advice here and it is basically saying, reorder your priorities and stop and smell the roses. No cliches for me sweetie, just a lot of love for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 My dear Becky, In church about 3 to 4 wks ago, the priest gave a talk regarding yesterday. Yesterday is gone, the past is gone, we live for today, we love for today, we cry for today but that is all part of life now. We cannot go back and sometimes we think back was great but there were times that were not so great. We can only make today out of what we put into it. We cannot run scared of today nor tomorrow. Regarding tomorrow, none of us knows if we will see tomorrow, lc or not, so go with what you have and that is an awful lot young lady. You have that beautiful son, a loving husband and a mom and dad who dearly love you so what else is important for today. Plus you have me, a second mom who cares for you through this puter thing.... much love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebayou Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 What a beautiful post Norme. Not surprising...you are so very compassionate love, Francine God Bless us All Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Peggy's post took the words from my mouth, but Snowflake, it is people like you that put cheer and hope into the lives of others who come to this board, even though you are suffering beyond measure yourself! We couldn't do without you here so "keep the faith". Love Paddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Becky, I can relate even though I am only a caregiver. I miss the old way of life BC, before cancer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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