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New Phase, New Anxiety-End of Treatment


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Maybe some of you wonderful people out there can help me sort thru my feelings. My mom has just finished radiation, after her chemo, and is done, for now with treatment. It is so bittersweet for her. As much as she dreaded going to daily radiation, it became a comfortable routine for her and she made tons of friends, patients and staff. She took the time to buy gifts for the staff and write thank yous! Now she (we're) done. As she said after going out to dinner-"I'm celebrating, but I don't know what!".It's such an uncertain time. Time to celebrate, time to worry, sit and wait, worry some more. How do you handle the end of a course of treatment? I have so much to be thankful for, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I am so lost here. I almost feel as helpless as I did when my mom started this journey. I tried so hard to hide the uncertainty in my voice. I'll be spending time with mom so I'm sure we'll talk about this but I just can't let her see my doubt and concern, when she just moves ahead with such faith. I've got a lot to learn.

Thanks for listening.

Nancy

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I have no answer for you Nancy, as we are just beginning this journey with my dad. I only want to offer you prayers and thoughts as this new stage begins. I am sure that you will find the words, courage and wisdom when the time comes. One of my favorite sayings is "If God leads you to it, he will lead you through it."

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Well, Nancy, you just keep on keepin' on. :D There really isn't much to do except enjoy each day and try to treat life exactly the way it was before all this started. I know it's easier said than done, but it's what you've got to do if you want to have any sanity or a normal life.

Cat wrote something in the Path Less Traveled forum recently about training your mind. It's excellent! I'll go back and copy the pertinent part and edit this post and add it in so you can read it. What she describes is something that I have learned to do over the years, but I'm not sure how. I've had a lot of hardship, sadness and death in my life, and most recently I lost my dad, which was the hardest so far. I've been pretty successful (but certainly not 100%) in just making my mind go in the direction where I want it to go which is happy, focused on other things and just keepin' on keepin' on. It's the same with my husband's cancer. When I catch myself letting my mind go where it shouldn't be going, I just turn it off and go in another direction. That direction is usually focusing on the Lord and all His love and goodness. :D:D:D:D

I'll be back with that quote in a minute.

OK: Here's Cat's quote:

I'm surely not saying you should go around happy all the time. Not at all.

I am saying that when we get caught up in our thoughts of what is NOT around us, we can not operate out of the present moment.

We don't have the present moment. We bid it goodbye before we can realize it is there.

Okay, let's go back to unloading the groceries from the car. You're into thoughts ranging from "why don't I make a list next time" to dread thoughts of what the cancer is doing. The thing is you are not there. If you are not there in the present moment how can you judge whether it is a worthwhile moment, whether it would make a difference in your life, albeit small? You've left it before recognizing it.

See, you have to actually discipline your mind to stop the monkey mind (jumping from thought to thought) and stay in the moment. It is very hard but when you allow this to become a habit, it makes it easier. If a decade ago, someone told me that I could sit an hour in meditation, I would have snickered at them and said, "Yeah. Right." Bwahahaha (very loud laugh)

Now it is one of the things that sustain me.

I added the bold in the "See, you . . . . ." paragraph.

God bless you, Nancy

Peggy

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Thank you for your kind and helpful words. Amy, thank you for the caring-it means so much to me. Peggy, thanks for the advice. I did not see Cat's post and I think there is a lot of truth in what you quoted. You are sweet to respond and bring me so much comfort to know I'm not alone.

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Nancy,

Hey guess what? You're normal! I did the exact same thing, made it through my chemo humming happily along knowing I was doing what steps needed doing, fighting the good fight. I got done with all that, and whammo! depression hit me like a ton of bricks! I chose the route of 'better living through chemistry' as I know I can't pull my self out when I go that deep. And from my reading, I have found out that is a pretty common reaction to end of treatment. Good luck with it and congratulations on reaching end of treatment.

Blessings

Betty

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Nancy

I think i know how you are feeling with your Mom, as I have had these exact thoughts running ramant thru my mind also with my Mom. She has 10 treatments of radiation left and one chemo, but then a small break to start high dose chemo. I go with her everyday to every appt or anywhere she needs to go. What do we do with our selves when we dont have to go get "zapped" everyday. Will mom go back to work? Will she just sit at home waiting..wondering?? Hell what am I supposed to do? I am afraid to get a job because what if treatment doesnt work and we have to try another..and another...etc..Mom has no one but me to help her.

We both have to somehow find the faith our Mom's seem to have in their treatment. As they say maybe Mom's do know best!! Just be there for her as I am sure that means more to your mom than you will probably ever realize. Try to follow her lead, let her take control of some of these issues and she will talk about them when she is ready, at least thats what I am seeing with my Mom. I think Mom's have a tendancy to hide their feelings, after all they have always been the "caregiver", the one who had all the answers for everything, the one person who could "fix" everything. Then suddenly with no warning or planning whats so ever the roles are switched and you have become the "caregiver", the one in charge.

I dont really think I have said anything at all here to help you, but just know you are not alone out there and I will listen and talk with you anytime about your Mom

God Bless

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In Lance Armstrong's book, I remember him saying something about that time when treatment was over....and how hard it was, because nobody had taught or told him how to be a survivor!

As long as he was undergoing treatment, there was the feeling of actively DOING something to fight the cancer. Once tx was finished....there was a new sense of vulnerability and waiting to see what would happen next.

Since I read that....I have tucked the thought in the back of my head because I figure that time is coming for me too....and I'm not sure how/if I'll be able to handle it. I think this is surely what you are experiencing, but from the caretaker's standpoint.....that sense of vulnerability and "where do we go from here?".

We celebrate little victories and bits of good news, good test results, etc...as we go along, being treated for this disease. But I think it has to be difficult to finish treatment....to come to a point where nothing is being done medically, to battle the beast....and find a sense of comfort in living in the moment as opposed to worrying, wondering and spending all that time in angst. I do imagine it takes some real training of the mind!

I guess I don't have any real answers for you...as I'm not there yet myself. But it was a real "AHA!!!" moment for me, reading Armstrong's comments and I figure if nothing else, forewarned is forearmed. I hope, when that time comes for me....when tx is over and (hopefully) has been effective and I'm left to move thru my days without ongoing treatment....that I'll find ways to truly LIVE those days without letting fear and vulnerability interfere with the quality of them.

Armstrong focused on getting back in shape and back on the bike. Maybe that's the real key...that once treatment is over, we need to find a NEW focus other than our cancer...something to occupy our time, our minds, our hearts in some way that also fulfills us and is a positive focus!

Perhaps for Mom and for you, it might be some new hobby or some sort of volunteer effort that will occupy you both and fill your time with something far better than angst.....eh? :wink: And don't forget, while trying to figure out just what this will be.....to BREATHE!! :)

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Nancy, I think Addie hit it -- we feel like something is being done when treatment is going on. When it is over, the inactivity is disquieting, and we wonder if the beast is ready to rally again. Very normal. Believe in the slogan you use at the end of your posts! Don

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Nancy,

Celebrate - really celebrate, each moment that you are not deep in the throes of the battle. When my husband had some good news and a break from treatment, we went away for a weekend and took advantage of returned good health. That's not to say that we didn't share some tears and fears and "what if's," but that was ok too. We NEEDED to do it all. Since our reprieve was very short-lived, I treasure that time more than you can imagine. Cancer has drawn back the curtain to give you the hard-earned view of what life is really all about. Use the gift wisely.

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Thank you all, my friends, for your kind replies-Betty, Kim, Addie, Don, and Joyce. I have read each and every word and I can't tell you how much your collective wisdom means to me. I can tell you I spent a few days with my mom and she is facing this head on, isn't afraid to talk and is a great source of comfort to me. Kim, you're right, moms do know best. We shopped (people ready to give up don't buy new coffee makers!), laughed, watched Calendar Girls, ate out, laughed. As mom said, howling in the car with laughter as the AC konked out in 90 heat, "Life is worth living". Life is precious. Thanks for helping me over a rough spot, putting aside all your own trials. You are all so generous.

Nancy

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Addie put it quite eloquently.

After my treatments were over, I had another surgery to deal with, then the holidays, and my life revolved around my physical therapy. Then I went back to work, kept PT.... kept getting colds and getting over them.... focusing all on smaller immediate things, just a wee bit bigger than one step at a time... and somehow my subconscious was fixated on one year. Well, I hit one year post surgery, and figured, NOW what do I do??? :oops::lol:

I kinda had to get used to the idea I was still around and might be for a while. ==> Redefine self.

I found counseling helped me adjust to the "new me", with its physical restrictions, and.. well.... life went on. Doesn't stop, with kids. Found more energy and less severe reaction to colds and such as time passed.

God bless and keep you and your mother, you're doing splendidly!!

XOXOXOX

MaryAnn

Prayers, always

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