babesdaughter Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Good Evening, I was directed to this side of the world after an intro on one of the other topics. My Mom was recently diagnosed with NSCLC. It is metastatic, as she had a tumor in her leg. That was the first 'outward' manifestation of the disease. I had noticed more subtle signs, weight loss, lethargy, etc... As a family, we have decided not to pursue aggressive treatment. She is 76 years old and very weak. She has moved in with me and we got Hospice team involved last week. They are wonderful. They have said our decision is a prudent one, but of course, they would. I'm not really doubting the decision, but still have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that we should or could be doing something else. She has just said she's too weak to travel to doctors and doesn't want to go through chemo and be miserable when there is an extrememly low liklihood that it will change the outcome..... Basically, I'm looking for support and some sort of confirmation that the 'do nothing' route is acceptable.....I hate this. My Mom and I have always been extremely close and this is very painful for me and my family. I lost my Dad in 1991 to ARDS (adult respiratory distress syndrome). He had emphysema and it just spiraled out of control over about a ten day period.... Thanks for listening and thanks in advance for any words of wisdom from those who have been down this rocky road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betplace Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Hi babesdaughter, I have no answers to you questions, except to say that I honor your decision to go this route. I did want to welcome you to our board. There are several here who are traveling the same road and they will chime in soon I am sure. Anyway welcome! Blessings Betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lyn Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I think you are making a wise decision. My Mom was also not in the best of health and the chemo and radiation really made her sick and weaker and she had no quality of life. If I had to do it over again I would not do such aggressive treatment for her. She was in and out of the hospital for months until she passed with many medical problems. God Bless... Lyn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babesdaughter Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 I think you are making a wise decision. My Mom was also not in the best of health and the chemo and radiation really made her sick and weaker and she had no quality of life. If I had to do it over again I would not do such aggressive treatment for her. She was in and out of the hospital for months until she passed with many medical problems. God Bless...Lyn Lyn, Thank you for sharing that with me.....it's such a tough decision....ultimately, it's not mine to make, it's hers. She doesn't want to do it, so I suppose I need to set aside the questions and support her in that decision. Of course, there is a part of me that knows I influenced her decision. I lost a dear friend to brain cancer (ironically, he died the same day my Mom was diagnosed)....they fought and tried every avenue they could. The decision was the right one for them, he was young and healthy. It did effect the time they had left together, he was very ill most of the time....maybe he would have been anyway. At any rate, their battle definitely influenced how I feel about my mother's cancer. I know it's apples and oranges...or rather brains and lungs, but it's all fruit...or rather cancer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slinaresholz Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I think you are making the right decision. Hospice will make sure your Mom is not in pain. They are wonderful. My own mother went through hell with that chemo and it ruined her quality of life. She had surgery and was feeling pretty good until she started that. She didn't have lung cancer, but she did have cancer. When my Dad was sick with prostate cancer, The doctor said he shuddered to think what they were doing to my Dad in the hospital when he was so ill with cancer. They don't seem to think anything about making the very ill sit and wait forever for those chemo appointments either when they are so weak and sick. They could care less. I think your Mom is right about that. God bless the two of you and give your Mom a big hug for me. Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Babesdaughter, I want to first welcome you to a very supportive community and family of people here. I also want to say that I also think the route your Mom has decided to go is the right one. You need not feel that you influenced her as only she can make that final decision and she did. Hospice is a wonderful organization and will keep her free from pain. My Mom is a few years younger but if this is what she decided on I would also support her decision as much as I love her and want her here as long as possible. Sometimes the chemo route only makes the person weaker and unable to fight any more and then they also have the side effects of the treatment. We are all indiviguals (sp) and make choices and this is her choice. I respect that. I pray that what ever time she has to live will be days of sunshine and memories made. God Bless You All, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 You say: "Basically, I'm looking for support and some sort of confirmation that the 'do nothing' route is acceptable.....I hate this. My Mom and I have always been extremely close and this is very painful for me and my family. " I disagree that what your mom and your family have decided is the "do nothing route." I think you are all doing something even though it doesn't involve the standard treatment for cancer. We can't control our death -- it may come today, tomorrow, or whenever. It may come in the form of cancer, or it may come when we walk outside one day and are run over by a truck! We can, however, control some aspects of our dying if it becomes inevitable from the ravages of a disease. I'm all for staying in control of whatever I can in regards to my life -- and that means my living and/or my dying. I think what your family has done takes just as much courage as it does for someone to submit to such harsh treatment as chemo, radiation, surgery, etc. Either way says, I think, that we take control of our life and live it the way we think is best, based on our own individual beliefs and values. One of my favorite quotes -- perhaps someone knows who to attribute this to? -- is the person who says he isn't afraid of dying, but he really doesn't want to be there when it happens. Dianne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 babesdaughter, Bless you and your mom. I think the decision your mother has made is the right one for her, and you are wise indeed to honor it. Hospice will help you through this. We are here, and are happy to help if we can. XOXOXOXOX Prayers always, MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Paige, It looks like this is the path your mother has chosen. It also looks like it was an informed decision. You supporting her is the right choice for YOU, that is a choice for you to make, the treatment decision was hers. Babe knows her own state of health, mental and physical. If she doesn't think she's up to treatment and you feel that she is not suffering dementia, then follow her lead. You are doing the right thing. No one ever guaranteed you that being right was going to be easy (remember peer pressure?). Keep coming for support, there are lots of loving "voices" here to help you drown out the voice in your head that is picking at you with the doubts...you're on the right journey for YOU. Take care, xxoo Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeanCarl Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Paige, The "are we doing the right thing" question is completely normal. All of us who have made this decision have gone through times when we have questioned our choice. My Mom made that choice the 3rd time they found a mass in her lung (she fought and beat it twice, but went through an incredable amount of pain and suffering to do it). She passed away about 6 years ago. A lot of what happened to her played a part in my own decision when it became my time to face this illness. It is my firm belief there is no general "right" or "wrong" answer to this question. It HAS to come from the heart of the person involved. Many things go into making the choice, but, in the end, it is in that quite place that exists below the fear, below the "fronts" we all put up the the world that the answer for each of us lies. Please, PLEASE take heed of Diane said. You and your family are not "doing nothing". Not by a long shot! You are supporting a person you love in what just could be the hardest decision she ever had to make. And now you have the chance to make whatever time she has left in this world very special for the both of you. That is definately NOT "doing nothing". That, to me, is doing EVERYTHING. Dean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babesdaughter Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Paige,Please, PLEASE take heed of Diane said. You and your family are not "doing nothing". Not by a long shot! You are supporting a person you love in what just could be the hardest decision she ever had to make. And now you have the chance to make whatever time she has left in this world very special for the both of you. That is definately NOT "doing nothing". That, to me, is doing EVERYTHING. Dean Thank you Dean and Diane for the perspective. When I read Diane's post, it really hit me...partly because at the time I was exhausted from "doing nothing". The initial inquiry came from a horrible place where fear and doubt reside. I've moved a bit further south today living only in the vicinity of quasi-panic and uncertainty....a little better zip code. It started when my older brother called. He's not been involved in any part of my MOther's life for the better part of ten years. He wanted to know who her oncologist is....because he has such connections with doctors, I suppose. He was indignant when I told him she doesn't have one and inferred that perhaps I wasn't doing all I should be... In the meantime, we'll fetch carrot cake and hot fudge sundaes because that's what Mom wants for dinner, we'll stop at the florist every Monday because Mom likes fresh flowers, we'll sit with the doors open during a torrential rainstorm because Mom likes listening to the rain and thunder.....we let the dog sleep on the couch because she likes to pet her when she wakes up.....in other words, while he has his hissy fit because I'm not dragging her back and forth to Salt Lake fifty miles away.....I'll keep tending to the things that make her smile....and yes, that certainly is SOMETHING. Bless you all for your kinds words. Paige Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Sounds to me like you're doing fine. Those are nice things to be doing, they made me feel good just imagining them. Your mom is lucky to have you there. If carrot cake for dinner is what she wants, bless you for indulging her. Double ditto about the dog on the couch. When my time comes, cancer or other, I would love to be shown such consideration. You and your mom are in my prayers... XOXOXOXOX MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Hi babesdaughter, I think what you are doing for your Mom is wonderful (the flowers, the dog on the couch, the carrot cake, etc.). I lost my Dad to lung cancer Oct. 14, 2003 after a fourteen month battle. From the begining of his illness until we lost him, all decisions were made by him. One of the things that bothered me most was when he was first diagnosed he told his doctor that he would do the chemo and radiation for us kids. I do believe in my heart that is why he did it. I felt guilty when I seen the hell he went through with the treatments knowing I was part of the reason he was trying so desperately to live. Part of that guilt is with me today. I have some of the same thoughts as Dean when he talked about seeing what his Mom went through and making the decision he has made. I have also thought about that should this dreaded disease ever get ahold of me. I feel fortunate that Dad did not suffer alot but, it breaks my heart to know that he fought so hard only to have this disease take his life. You are in my thoughts and prayers and continue to do what you are for your Mom. It is all about her and what she wants, not anyone else including your brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Wow...what a wonderful daughter you are! I know your mom must be very proud of you. It sounds like you have your head on your shoulders very straightly!!! I just think your last post is about the sweetest one I have read in the time I have been amember of this group!!! Hang in there! God will give you strength!!!! My prayers for both you and your Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Babesdaughter, You can be my daughter anytime!!! How refreshing it was to read that post!!! I smiled all the way through it!!! You are a wonderful Daughter and I am more than sure Mom knows it!! God Bless You and Your Mom, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PamT Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Dear Babe's Daughter, What courage, love and kindness you are showing. It often takes more courage to follow the path less traveled than to go down the beaten path. You are making your mother's last days on this earth comfortable and happy and what more could any of us want or need. We never know when a breath will be our last, but I know that if it happens to me in a warm loving environment with my hand on my dog's head and a tummy full of carrot cake, I will meet my savior so content. Blessings on you and your mom. You will be in my prayers. Pam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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