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I'm Back. I Think????

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Well. I did not intend to come back and post anything, but things have gone from bad to just plain wierd. I brought Mom's remains home today. Right now she's in a plastic bag inside small white cardboard box. In a period of just over 48 hours, I've managed to alienate part of my family and realy tick off a number of Mom's friends. All of this while I was trying to honor Mom's wishes.

It all started last year when I asked Mom if she wanted a funeral. Her answer was short and too the point. No! She thought funerals were a waste of money, designed to make the living feel better about loosing a loved one. She said that if you love someone, show them you care when there their still alive. Not after their gone. With that in mind I anounced to friends and family, that there would be no funeral. Well, from the reaction I got. You would have thought I spit on the flag, choked a cute puppy, or told every child that Santa Claus was a lie. In some quarters, I'm slightly less popular then Osama and Sadam.

At first, I thought about a funeral, but then I rembered what Mom had said. Instead of a funeral. I told everyone that I was going to make a small memorial booklet and send a copy to everyone. This booklet would have Mom's picture in it A favorite Bible verse and two of her poems (Mom was a published poet). I cannot discribe the looks I got from some people. Let me just say, that if looks could kill, I'd be dead and buried by now. Well, it gets deeper and uglier. My aunts are after me to have Mom's remains sent back to Wisconsin post haste, so that they can be buried next to their brother, her husband, my father. One aunt even told me she's got the priest all lined up and ready to go. I told them that I want to keep her ashes with me, at least for awhile. My cosain. Mary Jane said that she had her mother cremated and put the ashes in a fancy vase. She put the vase on a shelf in her living room. MJ said that when she's ready, she'll have her mother buried, but "not" till then. I liked that idea. Now, half of my family has disowned me and the other half think I'm stark raving mad. Only my cuz MJ is still speaking to me. My head hurts and my stomach is tied in knotts. Stupid family! As for Mom's friends. Lets just say that I would not want to be in a room with them right now. Well Mom! It looks like it's just you and me against them all.


Now, offically an orphan and probably dead meat if certain people

get their hands on me.

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You honored your mother's wishes admirably, if somewhat unconventionally.

I believe in cases like this it is not uncommon to hold a memorial service, where those who would like to have the opportunity toremember her life and her friendship in a ceremony that brings closure -- for the living. Having the booklet to give people there would be a lovely remembrance.

You just decided to take your mother very literally, and do something a little unconventional, is all.

There is never a "wrong time" for a memorial service, in a church or a chapel, or even a beautiful spot in a park. This kind of service, Don, is for the living, to bring them comfort.

In any case, chin up, my boy, you have done nothing offensive.

If you would like to be on good terms with these people who knew and loved your mother, you could still consider a memorial service.

Take care,


Prayers always,


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I admire that you are standing up against all of them to fullfill your Mother's wishes. I would not want to tell my loved ones what I wanted and not trust that they follow through on that. I also have my Brothers ashes in a urn that is marble and beautiful in my living room. My family all plans to get together next year and have a small gathering at the cemetary where he will be buried. That is what he wanted. When I asked him about a funeral he said yes he did want one. He got one. I just think it is so important that we tell people what we want ahead of time and that we make sure this is a person that will do as you have asked no matter how they feel they would like to have it done.

Be proud that you did what she wanted and if they cant understand that .... OH WELL !! My thoughts and prayers are with you Don and I am glad you came back.

God Bless You,


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I don't want a funeral/memorial, either! And I'm with your Mom...show me you care NOW while I can enjoy your company. If folks want to have a party after I'm gone (my life has lots of good "roasting" material, and it will be the only time folks can do so with no fear that I'll "roast" them in kind!) then by all means, party on. Play Live and Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz, Dust in The Wind by Kansas when the party is over. But have a great time. But a formal service for someone like me? Heck no. God knows me, He knows my heart, and He doesn't require me to endure that kind of send off.

Your Mom sounds like a real jewel, Don. You've done what she wanted. That's all that matters.

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Don, your mother was right -- funerals ARE for the living. For many, it is a necessary part of the grief process. I agree with MaryAnn That a small memorial service at an appropriate place would suffice. If you don't have something, the people still living are denied the chance to celebrate and remember your mom and comfort each other.

There was a woman at church who did not have a service for her husband. Everyone else felt awful. So, the pastor suggested a small memroial service for everyone else and that's what the friends did. So, in that case, I think everyone got their needs met.

As for her ashes, if she did not specify what she wanted done with them, then it is up to you as next of kin to make those decisions. Hang in there. Don

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When you honor your mother's wishes you are doing the right thing. Don't let people get you down. I really want to ask where were all of these people when you were caring for your mother all alone? That is when they should have voiced their concern and done something to help out. A memorial service is a choice that you still have time to consider. If you decide against it then don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

I will tell you that a memorial sevice my help the others but what you are doing is helping you. YOU and YOUR MOTHER are the important ones. We had a memorial service for Johnny and it gave all of the ones who had stood back and let us deal with everything alone a chance to have their say. I know that Johnny would much rather have had them show how much they cared while he was alive. If they need to salve their concience for not being there for the two of you that is their problem not yours. You did what was right and you continue to do the right thing by honoring her wishes.

Don't ever expect to please everyone. It is not humanly posible. Just take care of yourself and do what ever you need to do to get by. My thoughts and prayers are with you. All patients should have sons as willing to go that distance with them. Lillian

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