This stinks...

[JoniRobertWilson]

I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling. I'm going to try. I hope this doesn't seem offensive to anyone, I don't mean it that way at all. Just trying to sort out my emotions.

first, after Robert died, I felt like it was the "best" thing. Robert was in so much pain, couldn't walk, had that da.. chest tube in for 1 1/2 MONTHS. Walked around with that stupid thing hooked up to him all the time collecting all the vile fluid that frickin cancer caused. He couldn't leave the basement of our home. I just couldn't take it, not seeing this wonderful active man reduced to a person sitting in a chair not being able to do anything for himself except suffer. I was relieved he didn't have to suffer anymore. After I went through that grieving process I realized I not only lost that man that who in the last 4 months had cancer I lost the man before that too. It's just that man was taken from me day by day, gradually. Pieces of him had eroded out of each horrible conversation with a doctor who would tell us the unthinkable. I now can see the "whole" picture of our life before cancer and how I felt so safe, so loved, plus our lives were filled with laughter. Once I retrieved that complete picture back into my brain and heart and real pain has hit. The finality of everything the complete absurdity of it all. He was 42. He was so loved. Now, I make it through the days keeping busy but as soon as dinner time hits my anxiety increases, my heart pounds almost out of my chest and it feels like my brain will explode within my head.

I will go forward because I have to. I have Alex who will have a mother who willl put him first and will do everyting for him. I am resolved to that issue. I did realize though that my pain will go on forever, probably at different levels but it's a party of me now as much as my wedding night, the birth of Alex. This one though, I don't want.

[lilyjohn]

Joni

I read your words and my heart goes out to you. What you are experiencing is something that all of us do who lose a partner. No matter how much you have to fill the time there is nothing that fills the void left when they are gone.

The first days and weeks everyone wants to be there to help then as time passes they go back to their life because they still have one to go back to. They may have lost a brother, father or best friend but they have not lost the person who was at the center of their world. When the reality that this is not a nightmare finally sinks it it takes everything you have just to get up and face the days and hours without you other half. Things can fill the time but nothing can fill that hole in your heart. You are blessed to have your child to keep you going but I know too that must make it even harder in some ways.

You will meet many people who will have advice for you. They will tell you things that make you feel outraged. They will often tell you that it is time for you to get over it or get on with your life. Most of the time they will avoid talking about your loss. It makes it worse because you feel like not only did you lose him but no one wants to even acknowledge that he existed and took most of you with him when he left. Those people are not being intentionally cruel. They just have no way of understanding unless they have suffered the same loss. Even then it is different for everyone.

I think one of the crulest things that cancer does is rob a person of their dignity. They have to become totaly dependant on someone else. Often it is the strongest that suffer the most by this. I have often said that cancer robs a person of life long before it takes their life. Not only do I see that but I know too that it does the same thing to those of us who love them and live with all of the things that destroy our world. We watch as it slips away one day and one minute at a time.

Cancer is a cruel reminder of how fragile life can be. We learn that lesson only too well. With all it takes it leaves something else behind. Not all of that is bad because it teaches us the value of love. It makes us see what is important in life. Too bad that we can't have that and once the lesson is learned go back to our life and love. Maybe someday that will happen. I pray for that day for others but I know for those of us who have lost our world it is too late.

It is alright to feel angry or cheated. It is alright to feel like the world is off it's axis. It is. Life has cheated you and it takes a very long time to accept that. It takes even longer for the pain to seem even the least bearable. It slowly gets bearable one minute at a time. No matter how much time passes the loss will always be there. You will just learn to cope with it. The one thing that it took me the longest to learn is that when the bad days come not to fight them. Go with the pain. Live the memories and let the tears help wash some of the darkness away from your world for a while.

Johnny often told me that he could only take so much of something at a time. He would say "a little at a time that is all I can take. A little at a time that is all I can stand." Sense his death I have learned the meaning of those words much better than I ever wanted to.

Do any thing you need to get by. There is no wrong way to greive. If you ever need someone to share with PM me. I make you only one promise. I will never tell you that I completely understand. As much as we may have in common with others who have lost a partner there are still may differences. I know that better than most. I pray for you to find a few minutes of peace "a little at a time". Bless you and Alex. I will say an extra prayer for you tonight. Lillian

[Don Wood]

Joni, I think you expressed yourself just fine. The hurt never disappears but it does lessen as you move on with Alex and others. I wish you peace. Don

[ginnyde]

Oh Joni,

This is what scares me the most. My darling Earl has been leaving me a little at a time for almost two years. Yet we do talk and remember the good times, and boy there were so many, mostly good times and laughter in our marriage.

Last night I told him I didn't want to lose him and he answered he didn't want to get lost. I sobbed then and I am sobbing now.

Joni, this is so very hard. But I have to believe that we never forget but we have to begin to function and live life again, not just walk through it.

[kimblanchard]

I am so sorry. I cannot yet understand but I know this comes to all of us, every couple. Very few of us cross over together. It must be so very hard.

It is like he has gone ahead to that far country. He isn't gone, he has just gone ahead. You will take care of things on this end and in a little while or a long while, a small time in the vastness of eternity - you will join him. He will meet you and you will be together forever.

Margaret

[Ann]

Joni, I could have written these same words and probably did at one time or another. I was always told, and I believed, that you have to believe that God will grant a miracle before you ask for one. All during Dennis's illness, I begged and pleaded for that miracle. I even tried making deals with God by asking Him to take me instead of Dennis. Less than an hour before Dennis died, I stood at the foot of his bed and said this prayer. "God, I know that I have to believe in miracles in order to receive one and God, I do believe. But, if you are not going to give me the miracle of saving Dennis then please take him so that he will not have to suffer anymore." In minutes, the light of my life was gone. Like you, I was relieved at the time that his suffering was over. As the days passed, I seemed to forget the pain and thought of happy times we spent together. Everything would pass through my mind as if I was watching an old movie in slow play mode. Finally, one day it hit and I found that God did answer my prayer that day. He ended the Dennis's pain and suffering. Every day that you go through in the months to come will bring about a new emotion that you may not yet have experienced. To this day, there are mornings that I get up from bed and am so damned angry about losing Dennis that I can heardly stand it. Even now, there are times when I see couples together and I feel so cheated and am even jealous because they have each other. Jealousy is something that some of us have discussed among ourselves and it is hard to understand at times. There are times that I am even "jealous" to hear that someone suffering from the same cancer my husband had is doing so well. I always keep those feelings all bound up inside me, as I would never want to hurt anyone. I have a really hard time when I see people that lead really evil lives but seem to flourish, regardless. I think...Dennis was such a good man...why him rather than these evil people? So, Joni, my heart reaches out to you, as I know exactly where you are right now. I know it is of little comfort to know that the stages you are going through are "normal." Just always thank God that you have a beautiful son that is a part of the true love you shared. I wish there was more I could say to comfort you. I can say that the pain will ease a bit in time. Let's both be thankful for wonderful memories and pray for that God will give us the ability to understand!

[tess]

Joni,

I am also starting to go thru some wierd emotions and sad sad moments. I am ok one minute, then I can start bawling a the drop of a hat. I just start thinking about Rob and how I miss him so and my stomach gets all tied up in knots, I can't sleep at night and its driving me crazy! I am going to see my Dr tomorrow about getting some anti-depressants. I have never taken them before but I think I need something. I can't eat much and I have lost 10 lbs, and I can't afford to lose more, everyone is noticing I have lost weight. I don't want to be a wuss but I need to get some help. I have just lost my best friend and lover and its so hard. I need to get away soon, but I have to get things in order first. I do take care of my 5 & 7 year old grandkids during the day until school starts, which does help keep me busy. I just wish I could feel normal again. Maybe someday, I know its going to take some time. I feel a lot of what you just said and I know that we are normal, it is just so hard to accept. Take care and just keep talking things out and it will get better someday!

[babesdaughter]

Tess....I don't think you or anyone who asks for help during the grieving process is a "wuss". It takes a lot of courage to ask for help....the easier thing to do is retreat.

My father was a great military man and stubborn until the day he died. He was an alcoholic and I'll never forget what he told me when he finally got help getting sober......"Sometimes you have to surrender to win."

I'm so glad that you're going to see a doctor......take care of yourself.