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memories of a lonely heart


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I'm not going to attempt to catch up on the things happening in my life right now. I sat here only to document the feelings that I am facing today. It is not all of the time any more that I have these slumps but they still come.

I can be doing alright getting on with the business of everyday life then it suddenly hits me. I get a good dose of reality and it is like a hammer blow to my mid section. It hits so hard that it knocks the wind out of me. I don't know what triggers these spells. I only know that they happen.

Pictures flash though my mind. Pictures of Johnny when we were young and pictures from those last precious months that we had together. I can see a smile or a movement or feel a touch. Those images are so strong and so clear that it is as if it were only yesterday. Knowing that those things will never happen again is almost more than I can bear.

These times are hard to deal with but I don't want to lose them. I have so many beautiful memories. To lose them would be to lose a part of not only Johnny but myself. I know too that without them I would never be able to survive and face the days that lie ahead for me.

So I set here and I cry and I remember. I remember the love and I remember the laughter. I remember what it was like to feel that love that was so pure that it stabed through my heart. I feel the ache for him to touch me. I feel the need for him to hold me. I keep hoping that if I try hard enough I will feel his arms around me again. I beg to see that sparkle in his eyes. I know that he is gone and those things are all a part of the past but I know too that he will always be alive in my heart and I will always hold on to these memories

I love you Johnny. Don't ever let me lose these precious memories. They are all that can keep me going until that glorious day that we once again will walk hand in hand and heart to heart.

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Lillian, I know how you are feeling and I just don't have any magical words to say that will make things better. If I did, I would have used them on myself right about now. People say that every cloud has a silver lining and I guess it's time we began looking for our "lining." Just think of all the wonderful memories we have with our loves and loved ones. Those memories are something that will always be ours. Just think how many people never experience the love you and Johnny shared. I know those words are not very consoling right now, but they are very true. There are many people that travel through life and never have any of the loving feelings you have had with Johnny. Right now, we just have to make it through this maze called "life" one day at a time. You have so very many friends (proud to be one) right here on this board that are here for you and will help you make it through!!!

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