Some of the family doesn't understand

[gail]

I am having a stressful couple of weeks. It started out with a root canal on one side, and a possible tooth implant on the other. Certainly cut down on my eating habits . . .

Mother in law is moving out of her house, into her significant other's house, but she is feeling a lot of depression and sadness. She went off her zoloft weeks ago, and needs to be back on. We having been clearing out her house, and she was forced to decide on things. She is in good health, will have money to burn, and will be in Florida for the winter, but her glass is half empty, and has been for a long time. We have all talked to her until we are blue in the face about the good things in her life, but . . .NOTE: Please clean out every few years. I don't think she ever threw out a pillowcase . . .

Best friend's husband also moved out last week and left her a note !!!! Spent a lot of time with her, as she has been there for me too many times to count. I was with her the night I met my husband 23 years ago. 4 days later her husband begged forgiveness and asked to come back. She is handling all the issues involved, and I will not go into details but we go back 26 years and she is as close as one of my sisters.

On top of that, my baby is leaving in 3 weeks for college. I have one kid, and he will be gone. Many, many mixed emotions with that, and I know many of you understand. The fact that he is an only ( that's all God gave me makes it harder. No, I am not worried about my marriage. and our alone time. We get along well and enjoy each other's company, and respect each other's space. I am feeling some guilt about looking forward to "just me" time, and worry about him at school without Mommy telling him to get to work. I know this is all natural feelings, just got to process them

Back to my original thought: discussion has come up with hubby as to why I come here. MIL was adamant about "the depression it must be causing". I try to explain to them, but it doesn't work. They don't get it. My best friend does. Most of my sisters do too.

I feel deep in my soul that stress, and withholding of emotions, not acknowledging them, caused my body to develop tumors. 3 TIMES

I was never a journal writer, that seemed to make me more depressed. This place is a safe place for me to bare my soul. The emotional support is something I never expereinced before, and I can't seem to explain that to some of my closest people.

Before I melt into tears, because this was a lot of work to write this, before people think I have gone off the deep end, let me say this

1. I chose to book the therapist for the next 4 weeks straight. I HAVE NEVER, IN 3 YEARS, SEEN HER WEEKELY. She did not push me to do it, I asked for it. I guess I am reaching out.

2. I have booked my much needed massage on Wednesday, She had been away, and it is almost 2 months since my last one. (Think my lymph system is a little out of whack?

3. I think between the massage and the therapist, I may go for a pedicure.

4. On Saturday I am meeting my 4 sisters for a 2 day vacation, girls only.

gail

PS I am not even going to reread this before I post it.

[teresag]

Glad you didn't reread it and decide something was too "edgy" or soul-baring, Gail. Say it out loud here - that's what it's all about. You are doing all the right, healing things. Smooth sailing on your journey, friend.

[Ry]

Oh Gail, honey can we talk. My mother-in-law is here living with us. Now it was supposed to be 2 weeks. Today is one week and she is looking pretty darn comfortable, there's no way she's leaving in another week.

People I talk to about this site don't get it either. You'd think it was a cult or something (well there is that cult thing going but....). It was funny when we were getting ready for the party these 2 kids about 18 came to set up the tent. They get it put up and the one asks if I'm having a family reunion. So I say no its' actually all these people I have been talking to on the internet but never met. You should have seen their faces! Jaws dropped. The one is searching for words and finally comes up with, "well good luck with that."

So anyway, Gail, hang in there and "good luck with that."

Rochelle

[Lisa O]

Gail,

You should be very proud of yourself for reaching out. That takes a lot of courage. It is also very smart that you are recognizing all of the stressors in your life besides the cancer. It sounds like you have so much going on right now. I hope the vacations, massages and therapy help to take the edge off. Don't forget that we are here too.

[Don Wood]

Gail, glad to hear you are taking good care of yourself. Massage is great -- Lucie and I both get massages twice a month, except when the chemo puts her down too much, which is not the case lately. Massage not only relaxes and eases muscle ache but it improves blood circulation and lymphatic movement (better immune system). It is a gift we give ourselves. Sorry with the other problems. Hope things get better. Don

[Debi]

Wow Gail, you sure have alot on your plate right now and all this without a massage in 2 months! That alone can make you tense...

I'm not giving you advice because you already know what you need to do and are doing it. I wanted to just relate also to the people not understanding about the site. My daughter understands because she is an "internet person" but I have told a few friends and been met with that sort of blank stare and half smile and nod. You know when they walk off they look like this , or this: ! Oh well...

I totally relate also to your son leaving for college.. I had an only child once too. I sank into a deep depression after she turned 18 (not totally from that, but partly I think). I am so glad you have made a list of things to do to take care of this..I didn't have the insight at the time. And Gail, if you put "empty nest syndrome" in the search feature of your browser, you will come up with all types of sites with ideas to make yourself feel better.

Oh there I go giving advice anyway... Enjoy your weekend with your sisters..it sounds like so much fun!!!

[kimblanchard]

Easier to say than to do, but really, if you want to come here, it is not their choice if you do or not and you really don't have to explain yourself.

You could do the "It makes me feel better" and no matter what they say or argue, just keep saying "it makes me feel better." Shrug. They say that one liner answer works great, people get tired of arguing and if you just don't discuss it, they run out of steam.

Sounds to me like you are doing as well as anyone possibly could. Have fun on your vacation.

Margaret

[glo]

Gail,

I'm so happy for you to have a weekend with your sisters. I also have four sisters -- and was amazed when in April they were ALL able to fly together from Maryland to California to spend 9 days with me. We had such a good time. It was truely therapeutic. Few people ever know you as well as your sisters do. And love you anyway

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.

[Nancy O.]

Gail I think you are right on this one. I feel it is so important to let the crap out and hopefully in a positive way. Journaling has always helped me. It's when I keep things inside me that I get sick and crazy feeling too. So spill your guts and your soul until you are free from the poison. My best to you. Nancy O.

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

Gail you did the right thing - making some time for yourself. And it's good that you talked about it here. Sometimes the only way to ease the burden is to talk about it. You have way too many things on your plate right now. Prayers for you.

Cat

[Teacake]

RED toenail polish! Really RED! That'll do the trick....

Love,

Fran

[ginnyde]

OPI's 'I'm Really Not A Waitress'. It is a great color.

Gail, my friends and family glaze over when I talk about LCSC. Too bad,

it is my lifeline and my family here understands what this is all about a lot better than my real family, as good as they are.

I am truly envious of your sister weekend. Both of my sisters have died, one just 5/21/04 and I miss them hourly.

Have a wonderful weekend.

[Teacake]

OPI's "Thrill of Brazil" is good, too!

Last fall, the four sisters had planned a trip to NYC in March but it was postponed when Terry got sick. Our tickets are good until December 7 and I hope we decide to do it. The stress and emotional turmoil of the last 7 months have put a strain on our acceptance of our differences and individuality. We need to re-group and get it all back.

It certainly would be fun to meet some of y'all at a spa somewhere and just have some days of pampering.

Fran

[TAnn]

Gail,

I can "feel" exactly what you are going through. My "only" child is also starting college this semester. However, due to my circumstance he has decided to get his first couple of years credits at the local community college, to be close to me. (It's the same classes anyway) I feel very honored. He and I have always been very close, and he could have very easily chosen to get away from all of this "cancer", but chose not to.

Funny also that my husband found this sight for me and now worries that I will get too depressed when I read all the bad news. I tell him that I get depressed, but it also makes me feel better. He will still tell me, you need to stay off that site for a while. You are getting too upset. (But here I am!

Keep coming back and talking, sharing, crying, venting.....whatever you need. We all understand..................

TAnn

[Marie]

I haven't been able to explain this site to anyone who understands it. Even my family who are always there for me, think this is too depressing for me. They say I shouldn't dwell on LC. I know that this is what enables me to handle it and I also know that it is because they can't deal with the fact that I had LC. They just want it to go away and never be mentioned again. That ain't gonna happen. I need to accept and deal with it. I never could live in fairy tale land. We don't have to explain our need for this board to anyone. It has helped many many people.

[Nushka]

Gail,

I am so glad you were able to use this site to vent and get things off your chest. You DO have alot on your plate right now but you seem to be handling it very well. Your "list" is a good one and I am sure it will work for you. I think the trip with your sisters is an excellent plan. Have fun.

I find that most do not understand my need to be here daily. My sister and my husband have both been here to "read" but haven't posted. My husband thinks I should stop by and read for a while....but only once and a while. How could I keep up if I did that? The thing that makes this place so special to me is that we KNOW each other. I feel very close to many, many of the people here. I also feel that if I can help just one person...just one...in any way it is well worth my efforts. You folks help me daily. I want to try to give a little back. My children are grown...but that empty nest syndrome around here was handled with a little dog. It helps to be a mommie to someone.

Take care of yourself Gail....you've already got a great plan to do just that.

Nina

[Melinda]

Teacake,

If you and your sisters come to my hometown (NYC)--include me in the spa day!

Gail,

My mother--traditional southern Belle to the core--is CONVICED that it was the stress that she kept bottled up inside (stiff upper lip; don't air any dirty laundry in public) that gave her breast cancer twice.

So--pour it out here!!! We're not able to gossip with your neighbors and colleagues (not that we would want to) about your deepest darkest fears. It's a pretty "safe" place--in my opinion.

MIL and hubby are not you. They have ways they cope (or don't) with the stress in their lives--you have yours. You will know when you need to ask Ry for a hallpass, should that time arise.

My thoughts are with you in this time of difficult transition.

Melinda

[mhutch1366]

Gail,

We're here for you.

XOXOXOXOX

Prayers, always,

MaryAnn

[Hebbie]

(((((((((((((Gail))))))))))))))))))

[Fall54]

Dear Gail,

I think some of my family thinks I should not be here as often as I am but what they dont understand is like Nina said how could you follow through and know what was happening if you just dropped in?? I need to come here daily and several times a day if I am home. I have done absolutly nothing this summer and I am used to swimming and camping etc. Well we have plans to go camping on the 15th of August for 4 days and I cant wait!! I need it and I know it!! You are doing the right thing Gail. I am sure you will have a wonderful vacation with your Sisters!! Some "Me" time!!

I just think that once cancer has affected you or someone you love it remains with you forever. I dont mean that in a bad way but in a way that you want to support and help others with it all you can as well as helping caregivers.

What one of my Sisters tells me is she thinks it's fine that I come here but that I need to find more balance in my life. In some ways she is right. I have to do what my heart tells me to do though so here I am!!

I am glad you were able to vent and tell us all what was up with you. Thats a healthy approach to dealing with it.

You GO GIRL and have a wonderful time. You enjoy those massages and seeing your therapist weekly for now may be just what you need. We love you here Gail and please never feel that you cant reread your post or you wont submit it. We are all here for you as you are for us.

God Bless You,

Jane

[chloesmom]

Gail,

I was out of town for a few days and just saw this--I think it takes a brave person to face their fears, and then go about the business of making their life right.

If what it takes is weekly visits with the therapist for this patch of time, then that's what it takes. I've been there on a weekly basis before and it sure did help me.

I understand your desire to read and participate in this board and I also know that the people who care about me wonder why I think this is so important. But, until you've walked in our shoes, you just don't understand why this is important.

As far as that nail polish is concerned, I have always liked OPI Red--but I'm REally Not a Waitress" is a great one too.