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It's me again, and again, and again and...........

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I lost it today. I melted, cracked, lost a screw, blew a fuse, went crackers, broke down, broke up went sideways, what ever you want to call it. I did it, and I did it in a big way too.

I got up before dawn today. I was going to go do some yard work. About seven it hit. I've been so busy trying to keep the voice from the dark side with its doubts and questions at bay that I forgot about the other voice. The voice of the little boy. Well! The little brat made itself noticed. I was so worried about making it through Thursday in one piece. It was one week ago, Thursday night that Mom died. Thursday came and went. Friday was quiet. Same with Saturday. Then Sunday morning and wham! The little brat really put on a show.

I think I know what started it. Saturday, I finally got down to cleaning out Mom's closet. I sorted through her clothes, shoes and jewelry, trying to decide what to do with it all. The memories and smells that were in that closet did a job on me. I think everything hit at once. My worry about finding a job. Trying to take care of all the loose ends. Whether or not I should have a funeral. Should I send her remains back to Wisconsin for burial, and on and on and on.

I've decided that there will be no funeral. Her friends can go get bent. I may have a memorial service for Mom, but not right now. Don Wood said that “a small memorial service at an appropriate place would suffice.” Hum? For Mom I think that might be the Sabarro's Restaurant at the Mall food court. She wanted to go there all the time. She loved their pizza and breadstciks. I'll have to ask them. As for my aunts, them too. I'm sending each one a letter telling them that I'm going to keep Mom's remains here with me for a while. I like that. It's comforting to know that some part of her is still here in this world. I'm going to put an obit in the paper this week. I'm going to prepare a small memorial booklet and send it out. If everyone dosen't like what I've decided to do, that's too “&^!@)_P{}+ <?>” bad. She was ”MY” mother.

There is one thing I didn't tell the family or her friends. After she died I set there by her for an hour waiting for the hospise nurse. I was trying to decide what she should wear when they came to pickup the body. I got her dressed in the cloths she wore to the caner center. A pair of long black cotton shorts. A white loose fitting short sleeve cotton shirt. Her white lace up work shoes. A black ball cap and a pair of chrome wrap around sunglasses. I just wanted her to be comfortable for her journey. So I wondered what happened when she showed up at the PearlyGates dressed like that. Mom, I hope you could explain it to them up there.

I figured out what's wrong around here now. It's too friggin quiet. There is no sound. No one talking, laughing crying or singing. No noise! I think I'm going to get two speakers and hitch up my old stereo and make some noise.

I'm still worried about finding a job, but now moneys not tight. Last week I couldn't wait to get out of hear. My reason was that there are too many ghosts here. Now I'm not so sure. I think I might miss some of these ghosts. Before someone says that I should seek counseling, Posting here is my therapy. It's cheap. No appointments to keep. No therapist sitting there saying, “that's interesting, what do you think it means.”

I know that I'm not handling this very well and that I've made mistakes. I'll probably make many more. This is a first for me, and I'm trying to learn. So please bear with me.


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Don -

You're doing just fine. The Board has been my therapy too. Keep on looking inside and doing what you find right for you. She is YOUR mother.

You can never satisfy everyone else no matter what you do. I think the memorial book is very thoughtful and if in the future you decide you want a service of some kind that's fine too.

Just keep on keeping on. We're all very proud of you.

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You know that is what we are here for, to allow people to vent when they need to, so they can work through the grief and pain that comes with this da#n disease! Please continue to stay with us while you work through all this. I am praying for you and hope that you come to terms with this incredible loss. I do want to warn you, you will probably lose it a few more times, it's OK, it's natural!



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Hey Don, got something terrible to say. You are normal. You are probably going to go through a lot more ups and downs, might want to read some posts in the grieving and lost a loved one forum. Maybe you just have to do some crying until you get it all out.

I do think you are doing okay. You have been through a lot for a long time.

Turn on the TV for some background noise. Get out of the house every day, to somewhere. Do you have friends close that you can call? People do understand, most people do.

God Bless You. Margaret

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I join your club.

For my husband, I did what we both wanted and that was

easy as we were alone in the world, nodoby to please.

So I have his ashes in an urn, with the picture of 4 of our

dogs engraved around it, to guard him well, and I have

a very wee little urn in silver with some of his ashes

on a chain, I wear it at all times, so I always feel that

he is with me. No funeral, no obituary, nobody else

for the incineration, and the masses for him were in

far away missions.

Even without a family, I was criticized, but I did what

he wanted and I am very happy that I kept my promise to him.

Now I always come back to a house where he still is and

I am never alone.

Just do what you want and be strong.

The road is hard but you have to keep going.

Good luck.


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Dear Don,

I am so glad that you didnt just blow us off the first time you said goodby. It is a good source of therapy right here. I get my therapy here also. I also try to help others going through sad times and tough times in their treatment. I think you are normal too!! You are grieving the loss of your Mother. I am fortunate that mine is still living and she is 78. But lost my Dad at 46 and recently my Brother at 46. I was also a young widow having been married 10 years with 2 children my husband was killed in a car accident at age 29. I have seen my share of grief. Everyone grieves differently and I am not sure I am grieving the right way right now, but who is to say what is the right way??

You will be okay Don but it takes time and sometimes a lot of it.

God Bless You,


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Don...I am so glad that you are hanging in here with us. Like someone said in a previous post...YOU ARE NORMAL...THIS IS ALL NORMAL!!! There are so very many different emotions that we go through after we lose someone. Dennis has been gone since Dec. 15, 2002 and I still have so very many emotions that I struggle with daily. You are definitely on the right track, at least in my opinion. Your posts show that you are a very strong person in the way you have already handled so many things. You're right...she was (and is) YOUR MOTHER!!!! She had discussed her wishes with you and because of your love and devotion to your mother you will honor those wishes. If family members and friends can't understand that then it's their problem, not yours. You're right about cranking up those speakers! Music can do so much for the soul. I don't know how I would have made it through some of these days and nights withour music. Let me say again that I am so glad you have decided to remain here with us. My heart has really been breaking for all of the pain you have been going through!!!

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Don-I remember when my mom died. I sat there in the chair next to her. My other siblings were there and we all hugged her for quite awhile. It was an hour before I called the funeral home. Nothing wrong with how you or anyone handles those last moments. It is so personal.

You just keep going, turn up that sterio and put on some 60's and 70's and you will have LOTS of noise.

Love to you Cindy

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