kimblanchard Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Okay, after a week of great emotion, spiritual centering, reading, writing, playing tennis with my best friends and taking their money at the poker table, I am in Orlando. It was quite a shock after probably the most meaningful week of my life to be stuck in a city dedicated to providing loud and ubiquitous nothingness, and charging a pretty penny for it. But first to the meaningful part: the trip to Tallahassee was much more emotional than I had bargained for. Becky and I lived there 7 years, so it was home for 2/3 of our lives together, but because it was while she was in school, it was always transitory in our minds. Nacogdoches seems way more like home to me than Tallahassee. But I hadn't been there since we moved two years ago. So there were tons of friends and tons of built up emotions - since I hadn't seen them since Becky was diagnosed, let alone since her death. So I spent the morning visiting friends, and then retired t the beach in the afternoons to recuperate. Becky and I loved to go to the beach together, and the rhythms of the beach are so nourishing to me. As always, I have a song about that: Boatman by James Taylor: Hearts were exploding around us As we drifted south down the bay The gray up above and gray down below Left us with nothing to say So we drifted along in silence 'Til the tickle of life trickled in And the rhythm began in the hiss of the sand We were catching fire again CHORUS: Oh boatman, I am the river I am the mountain and the sea Oh boatman, taker and giver Can you deliver me I would forever run free Yeah we finally caught up with legends We were walking along side by side We worked out a plan To go out hand in hand But the long trail just wasn't that wide The water around us was freezing We just laughed and threw ourselves in And although we were old The sting of that cold Pumped up the feeling, here it is again REPEAT CHORUS Oh I'm a message in a bottle Drifting along on a deep blue sea Waiting for some foreign shore Ready for something to be No longer afraid of falling We cut the strings to the sky We found level ground And we put ourselves down Amazing we all didn¹t die We took each moment as given By second by second they came The ice and the sun and the thundering guns Good God I was finally sane And my best pal Deno sent me off with a book. Gift From the Sea by Ana Lindbergh. Written in the 1950's for housewives, it is the girliest chick book I have ever read. I mean Oprah would have barfed reading it. But it had a lot of cool things to say to me while on the beach. I was also reading the Progress Paradox by Gregg Easterbrook, and I would recommend it to anyone. Spectacular, and talks about the need for a grateful heart in order to be a happy person. Anyway, it led me to some conclusions. I have talked a lot about how motherhood and teaching completed Becky. She was born to do them, and found such joy and peace in doing them well. And I have attributed those two things to why we were so happy during our time in Nacogdoches. But there is another thing that completed her and our relationship and made our time there so beautiful. And that is cancer. Because we couldn't be worried about the future - working to save for college and retirement, saving for a bigger house or fancier gadgets - the future was too scary to contemplate. And so we brought ourselves into the present. Enjoyed each other and each day. Lived more like the lilies of the field, so to speak. Don't get me wrong, it was too high a price to pay. I would much rather be inane with Becky than centered without her. But in order to maximize my life going forward, in order to endow Becky's life with the meaning it needs, I have to capture the essence of today and today's blessings - the argonauta in the language of Lindbergh's book - and refuse to go back living like the oyster. Which doesn't mean being completely irresponsible -Katie's college fund is fully funded now and money will be there for retirement, but it does mean a life grateful for each day's blessings, rich in meaning and contemplation, affection and respect, tenderness and growth. And now my challenge is to take those lessons of the beach and bring them into the cess pool of Orlando and continue to make them work for me. Actually, I have just given up on Orlando. The goal is to make them work at home. And so I am a message in a bottle, ready for something to be. What that is is to be determined. But I am ready to get back, ready for school to start up again, ready to get after it again. As long as I can get back to the beach for a time. Or at least a CD player. To take each moment as given, by second by second they came. The ice and the sun and the thundering guns. Good God, am I finally sane?!? Lo, the conference beckons. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Dear Curtis, You bring such beauty to Beckys life. I admire the way you love her and your daughter. She was a lucky Lady as well as you being a lucky man. It is not in the quantity but the quality we live our lives. She is in Heaven, yes., But she will be forever with you also. God Bless You and Katie, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bean_si (Not Active) Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Curtis You are a great guy. I wish you nothing but the best life has to offer. My own dad lost his wife (my mother). My mother was 30, and left behind three young children age 3-9. When I read your posts, it reminds me of my father's heartache. And I guess mine too. I hope you are able to once again find joy. love and fortitude elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pecola Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Curtis, you really are an amazing person. You are unfolding the intense pain that has been dealt you and learning the lessons within it. You're right, the lesson of living in the moment was learned so at such a great cost to you and Becky, but it is a lesson so many of us never learn and spend our lives waiting for life to happen. I admire your insight and courage. Gina P.S. I live on the outskirts of Orlando and have to kindly disagree with you all about the shallowness of Orlando. You have to look a little closer. If you only look at the mouse ears, bright lights, etc. you miss the beauty that lies all around you. We have swamps, wetlands, gators, the ocean so near and all sorts of wonderful things. And the people...they are the best! It is such a melting pot of cultures, etc. that people are very kind, open, and tolerant of differences. Hope you all get a chance to see the city closer some day. I'll be your tour guides next time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted August 11, 2004 Author Share Posted August 11, 2004 Curtis, I was going to say how amazing you are but Pecola already said it. Thank you so much for being part of this community. You bring a great deal of understanding and comfort here - one of the voices in the wilderness. I think you are kind of a teacher yourself. Margaret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bean_si (Not Active) Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted August 11, 2004 Author Share Posted August 11, 2004 My problem is that I don't know my way around here at all. So as far as I can tell, there is nothing but mouse ears and opulent hotels. But one of my best friends grew up here and came out okay, so I do apologize for characterizing the whole place as a cess pool. If I am to spend time here not with friends in Tallahassee, then sign me up for Sanibel Island. Granted, they have their share of hotels, but at least you can ignore them and spend time on the best shelling beach in the state. And coming off the deep, reflective, centering week that was last week, I would have had an unfavorable opinion of anyplace in civilization. Getting to be outside of it for a while did me great good. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Curtis, I'm glad you got a chance to step outside for a bit, and catch some "fresh" air. I am grateful to you for providing me with much food for thought. You're a good guy in my book. Kiss the little one for me. XOXOXOXOXOX Prayers always, MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 You know, sometimes city life is just too loud...both emotionally and physically. I enjoy grabbing a blanket on a nice day and heading out to the hay field to watch the clouds and day dream...there's the sound of the bugs - bees, grasshoppers, crickets; the birds; the smell of dirt; and occassional deer, or fox, or (ick) skunk... It's relaxing, soul soothing...and FREE! (right in my price range). I also enjoy campfires after dark, being outside in the rain, watching a big electrical storm, star gazing...all those things you can't tune into in the city... Noise is beginning to really get to me...keeps the monsters quiet, but my nerves on edge...think I might head home this evening and nap in the back 40... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Wow, Curtis, I feel compelled to say something, but everyone seems to have covered it all. I guess I'll just say thank you for sharing. Your insights always have a way of reaching not just out to others but inward as well...causing some good pondering. Again, thank you. Karen M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted August 13, 2004 Author Share Posted August 13, 2004 Hi all. I made it home safely and am looking forward to getting rolling with the semester again. Thanks for the nice words. It has been fun playing with Katie tonight; I missed her terribly while in Florida. I hope to hear from y'all soon. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 Oh, Curtis-- Can't find the words to respond (been lookin' for a while to no avail). It keeps coming out all wrong (and I don't even have chemobrain!). You are in my thoughts. Melinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted August 14, 2004 Share Posted August 14, 2004 curtis, your words are so eloquent and heartfelt. you are such a great father and husband (and person!), carrying on with becky's legacy with such grace. i'm speechless. God bless, mj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.