Candy Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 I was actually thinking of putting this on the humor board because if you can't at least try to laugh about this stuff your probably in trouble. I'm thinking we should put together a list of things NOT to say to LC survivors (or current fighters of LC). Believe it or not both these remarks were made to us by very close relatives recently (and NO they weren't even joking in poor taste): "We want to take some pictures because you may not be around next year" "Its like the weather, you can't change it, just accept that and move on. You can't get depressed about things you can't change you just have to accept them. " The first remark was made to my husband and I didn't hear it first hand. If I had I don't think I would have been able to keep my mouth shut. The second was made to me and I had a few remarks to make about it but not as much as I would have wanted. Just the fact that someone would compare my husband's illness with the WEATHER really p***ed me off! Besides, coming from someone that I crave support from, well.... Am I thin-skinned or are they STUPID remarks? And I could go on with a long list of remarks made by people who just don't think. Just venting, but I'll bet we could publish a list under the guise of self-help Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karma1976 Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 Candy i hear ya!!!!! the picture thing is CRAZY!!!!!! hahaha, so many relatives wanted pictures taken with my dad like he was freakin richard gere or mickey mouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 My cousin's wife was diagnosed with uterine cancer with mets to lung, liver, etc. at the same time I was dx. with lung cancer. She passed in Dec. at which time my uncle called to tell me she had died and that "You had better be prepared too." I thought my husband was going to drive 200miles just to kick his butt. But I told him that is just my uncle. Always has been, always will be. But when it came down to it he's been right there for me whenever I was in the hospital, he always visited. So, what can you say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol Lee S Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 I had someone come to me when me husband was first diagonsised and say "I'm not surprised he has been very cranky lately", I wanted to kick this jerk especially when my husband is the one that helps this guy out all the time when everyone else dodges this jerk. Then I realized he wasn't worth my effort. Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 When I was facing a mastectomy, my mother said "It's just a breast, it's not like it's an arm or a leg". Now, I knew what she meant, but . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bessb Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 This is one of the reasons that I have told very few people about my illness but I have gotten some of these stupid remarks from the people I have told. A couple of close friends told me I should take a trip to Europe, in other words you may not be around too long! I just laughed and told them that was one of the last things I wanted to do. Even a surgeon I went to about a suspicous mammogram told me well you used to smoke, I said yes I did years ago but so did a lot of people, in other words you deserve this!! This from a doctor who should know better. He even refused to do a biopsy on some calcifications on my breast because he thinks I won't be around too long, he told me I should be taking care of the lung cancer, I informed him I AM taking care of it! Needless to say I won't be seeing him again ever. I remember having people tell me about their cancer diagnoses and all I can remember telling them was I was sorry to hear it and wished them the best of luck with their treatments, I guess some people are just really dumb and don't know how to relate, who needs them Bess B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debi Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 I have to add my two cents, even though I am relatively new to the boards. My Aunt and Uncle heard I am having lung surgery on the 16th so they sent me this homemade computer card. It has a bible verse on it...something like "I am with you always, even to the end of the world" with a thundercloud on it and signed by them saying that they are praying for me. Okay, now I haven't heard from EITHER of them since I was 16 which makes it 30 years and they send me this damn doom & gloom, its the end of my world, homespun card!! That was a cheery, uplifting hello. They couldn't find another bible verse? LOL My other experience so far was the day I told the people at my job. I had told no one about the tests and appointments I have had the last few months because its a small town and everyone loves drama. I had to finally tell them because I'm going to be gone from work and I didn't want the rumour mill to start. Well, the DAY I told them, all of my employees on my team kept coming up and having me sign their vacation requests. So I figured...okay...they want to get things taken care of for the summer...normally the vacation requests are put in 2 weeks in advance. Before I knew it, the stacks were getting thicker and thicker. People were requesting Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Day off!!! I finally asked one of the girls...what is this?? And she said, "Well..we thought we better have you sign them, just in case.....". And this is only the beginning I guess??? :0) Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 They are definitely STUPID REMARKS! Like, "Oh, I had an aunt that died of that." Well, I guess we must forgive them their stupidity. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 The next time someone says something so stupid and assanine, say to them Gosh your so lucky that they can treat your disease now.....when they say what disease do I have...say dumb-*ss-syndroma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DaveG Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 How about this one: "Well, it's too bad you smoked for all those years." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdaW Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 How about this one.................. "Do you have a cemetary plot?" (Close relative) Ada Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beckyg Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 How about this one, "I sure would like to be able to take naps every day." (Said to me while I was undergoing both chemo and radiation.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marlon Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 From my nurse cousin[in a sarcastic tone]: "You're going to church every Sunday now? What have you been praying for?" This from somebody who doesn't have any crises in his life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bessb Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 Sorry if this offends anyone but I just had to add it to the list. I am in the antique business and do a lot of big antique shows where you get people offering you ridiculous prices on your merchandise such as 1/2 of what it is marked, etc, I had a dealer friend who actually said this to a customer after they made this type of offer "its funny but you don't look like an a--hole", of course the customer was too insensitive to take offense. I would love to have the nerve to say this to some of these well meaning friends and relatives! But I don't, so I just think it and grin and bear it. Bess B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mainecoon Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 Hilarious, in its own grim way. Sometimes people make thoughtlessly cruel remarks. I've made too many, either from nervousness and a desperate need to say something. Or I've tried to be flippantly witty and came off sounding like an a**hole. A few times I've made a remark which, even as I was saying it I was thinking to myself "Ooh! What the hell are you saying!?" I try to be broadminded and generous when others make regrettable remarks. Often people simply don't know what to say. So I look beyond the remark to judge its intent. Was it a clumsy attempt to lend comfort and support, or something the person thought they should say? If the remark was not ill-intentioned I just let it slide. I do draw the line at judgmental or derogatory remarks. The kind which say "Well, what to do you expect?" or "Well, if you hadn't done (this or that)". Yeah, and the biblical quotation from people I haven't seen it thirty years? Well, I got their doom and gloom right here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 OK I have heard enough to share even though it makes me feel bad.... As you know Bill was diagnosed in November 2002. I have always had Christmas with the family coming here from Florida. This year I said no because Bill felt terrible and we were just coming to grips with the situation. Many people in my family were upset and said that they wanted to come stay with us (even at our inconvenience) because they might not have another Christmas with Bill.............................. I still said no to some of them but let a couple of them come............... Go figure............ Peg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David P Posted June 13, 2003 Share Posted June 13, 2003 Hi everybody. I hope I don't offend anyone, but I'm sitting here howling at most of the remarks made by all the "dumb *ss" relatives and aquaintances. Candy's photo one is the best, but Bess has the best come back remark. I'm sorry but you just can't help laugh at such comments. Don is right - they are STUPID!! But you can't take them seriously - it sounds like they happen way too often; if you let all these things get under your skin... you'll go nuts. Here's what to do: download Bobby McFerrin's song "Don't Worry, Be Happy", and listen to it a few times whenever you feel your hackles start to stand up -- it's a really good relief of occasional "Dealing with Dumb *ss" related symptoms. Take care everyone, David P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DaveG Posted June 13, 2003 Share Posted June 13, 2003 Here is a list of the smoking related cancers: Lung Cancer Brain Cancer Neck Cancer Throat Cancer Mouth Cancer Esopogeal Cancer Stomach Cancer Colorectal Cancer Bladder Cancer Kidney Cancer Liver Cancer Pancreatic Cancer Prostate Cancer Breast Cancer Uterine Cancer Cervical Cancer Bone Cancer So which cancer is not associated with smoking? I don't know. But here's why lung cancer takes the hit: smoke is inhaled into the lungs, therefore smoking cause lung cancer. That may or may not hold true with small cell, but with non small cell, especially adenocarcinoma, which generally is on the outer surface of the lung, it is hard to understand how that is associated with smoking, if one considers the physiology of the lung. Smoke doesn't get to the outside of the lung, but the nicotine is absorbed into the blood stream, just like oxygen. You see, the general public does not associate smoking with any of the other cancers. It's not the smoke itself, but the carcinigen is the nicotine and tars. I have a friend, a neighbor to be exact, who has lung cancer. He quit smoking in 1972. He is a farmer and has farmed all his life, raising beef, hogs, and used to have a dairy. He has been exposed to pesticides, fertilizers, dust, manure, hay dust, corn dust, and many other hazards of farming. Yet people still ask him if he smoked. Cripes, look at what he has been exposed to for over 50 some years. And yet, people who have known him, and knew that, at one time in his life he smoked, still hit him with the smoking issue. Believe me this hurts him and even myself, when I, or he, hears that about him. Even the doctors have said farming is the issue with him, not smoking. We are, on the bright side, gradually overcoming the smoking issue, but we're not there yet. It is a slow progress, but we are making some headway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candy Posted June 13, 2003 Author Share Posted June 13, 2003 Your right Dave, we DO still have a long way to go. I would guess that 9 out of every 10 people who find out Hugh has lung cancer begins the conversation by asking "Is he a smoker?" It really ticks me off. Yes, Hugh smoked and he smoked filterless camels and he smoked 2 or 3 packs a day. He quit 30 years ago. Yes I smoked over a pack a day of menthol filters. I quit 22 years ago. As we have all said before - that isn't the point! The point here is that lung cancer is a horrible disease that is an "equal opportunity" disease. No one asks for it, no one deserves it. And thanks for pointing out that there are many cancers that are cigarette related not just lung cancer. I believe that tobacco should be illegal. I have never believed in trying to control people's private lives, but cigarette smoking effects non-smokers as well. And we need to send a message to our young people that smoking is indeed a very dangerous thing. And even if this becomes a smoke-free world, lung cancer won't be a thing of the past because it isn't a disease saved solely for us who have fallen prey to cigarettes! My vent for today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karma1976 Posted June 13, 2003 Share Posted June 13, 2003 I can even explain how much i agree about the whole lung cancer smoking shiznit! ummm, if they banished smoking to the depht of hell, is all of a sudden the lung going to be the ONLY organ that can NOT no way in all hell get cancer....wow My favorite, for my dad passing. It was the holiday weekend so wake was tuesday, funeral wednesday i took the rest of the week, yeah like I could go into work PLUS all the stuff that has to be done!! I was up at the crack of dawn in bed at like 1-2 at night remenising with relatives and carlo & rossi. well on monday when i went back to work i said to a friend over email how tired i was when she asked how i was doing. she said oh really well you had a week off??? ahhhh, i forgot i was on vacation people... that is right being up til 4 am wathing your father pass away and taking your mom and aunt to the ER to get treated, burying a loved one, going thru old photos and clothes for people, trying to figure out all the legality issues...your right i forgot what a vacation! Not sure why people choose hawaii over a nice beverment vaca... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eileen Posted June 13, 2003 Share Posted June 13, 2003 here is some of the comments I received sister: you better pay up your bills (guess so she could have a better life if I died) sister: she paid for someone to do a will for me (she is my only relative and has dollar signs for pupils) friend from old job: when I heard you had lung cancer I thought you were a goner (he was surprised to see me looking so well 6 months after surgery) Eileen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathyr Posted June 13, 2003 Share Posted June 13, 2003 I get so tired of hearing - "Was he a smoker? when I tell people about my husband passing away 3 years ago. Now I have lung cancer and they ask me the same thing. About 3 weeks ago, my podiatrist asked me if my husband was a smoker? I got very angry and said," If I said he died of stomach cancer, would you ask if he ate too many fats? Or, if he died of liver cancer, did he drink too much?" What does it matter? The fact is, he died. He did not deserve it. Nobody does. It's insensitive, rude, and ignorant. I won't put up with it any more. He thanked me for educating him and I don't think he will ever make that mistake with anyone else again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beckyg Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 DaveG and everyone else, I almost hesitate to post, for fear I might raise another storm , but I do want to say that I don't think people associate only lung cancer with smoking because they are mean or even necessarily as thoughtless as they appear. First, everyone knows the stats about how many of us are current or former smokers, and people naturally want a way to assure themselves that this tragedy isn't going to happen to them. (we do it all over the place--if someone gets shot, they must have been involved in something illegal, or whatever). The point is that as long as it is relatively unknown to the public that this could happen to them, we are going to have the question asked of us over and over. Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 We all have a thing in us on mortality that says, "If I don't have their history, I'll be okay", which we here all know is whistling in the dark. Anyway, I think that is the root of the question -- "phew, I didn't do that, so I should be okay." Human nature is a crazy thing. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.