Remembering Dave Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Hi all. I feel bad because I haven't even peeked at this forum in a few weeks, and here I am venting out my problems. I'm just down down down. I feel overwhelmed. Dave had chemo yesterday and was so sick. I'm trying to take care of our feisty little daughter. And work full time. And I filed some papers with the local court to finalize Faith's adoption and now a woman at the adoption agency says she won't sign off on our final homestudy report to the court unless we do a whole new one INCLUDING making us both pass physicals. Long story but she can't do this to us - we passed our final post placement reports 12 months after we got Faith and that is all the court requires. I feel that she is targeting us because of Dave's illness (she made reference to our suitability as parents - HOW DARE HER). We were on vacation last week and now I'm swamped at work. My mom is having surgery in two weeks for her colon cancer, surgery on her liver - MAJOR surgery. Dave's parents are coming but may not be here by then. And I'm totally exhausted and trying to juggle all this. I just don't want any pressure from anyone but feel like I'm getting it from everyone. Did I mention hos tired I am? I'm trying to look in my crystal ball to the future, when all of this is behind us. But it's hard to do right now. Thanks for listening, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 It sounds like your cup is spilling over, maybe gushing really. Life with a 3 year old and a job is a handful on a good day, and you have so much more added to it. Dave's parents are coming---try to hold on till then, then schedule yourself a good, healing massage. If you can't fit that in, try for a facial, anything to get those stressful toxins out. Anybody else around to take charge for an hour? gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Oh Karen, ((((((((((((((((((KAREN))))))))))))))) Your plate is flowing over my dear! I don't blame you for being down! I'm sorry about that (witch) that is trying to make more havoc for you regarding Faith's adoption. SHAME ON HER!!! I hope David is feeling better today too! You have a LOT going on kiddo! Love & Hugs, Connie We're all here for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted August 17, 2004 Author Share Posted August 17, 2004 Yeah, Gail, I just gotta hang on until Dave's parents get here. Poor things, their truck broke down in Montana and they are delayed waiting to get it fixed. I know they want to be here as soon as they can. Faith's little teacher at daycare can probably take her home on the day of my Mom's surgery, but she starts back to nursing school that day so I can't be sure of her availability - she won't be teaching that day. And then I worry about Dave getting himself to and from chemo all alone. maybe I can find a friend of his to look after him. but they all work now. used to be all his friends (including Dave) made their living playing music and were pretty much around during the day. now they're all responsible guys with day jobs, darn it all. I feel better already, I just needed to vent. I called BeckyCW yesterday on the way home and cried to her, but I'm feeling down again today, needed a quick fix here Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Karen, sorry all this is falling on you at once. This is a good place to vent, because we do know that walk. Hoping for better things for you. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Karen, Sometimes it seems like everything hits at once - but gradually this will simmer down, you'll see. I couldn't image stronger, better suited parents for your daughter. You show her strength and courage every single day and no one should question you. I'll pray for you both. Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Just ask people for help. I know that friends love to help, but don't know what to do. If person A can't do it, go to person B, and so on . . . I was in the hospital in December, in ICU, and I asked a friend to come and decorate my house. (She was a good friend). 5 more people showed up, so happy they could do something. Somewhere you have a firend like me--older mother, kid no longer needs her 24/7 that would jump at the chance to pick up Faith from school and take her to Mc Donalds. Same with David and his chemo. When I was young we always carpooled. I think that is a lost thing, and we have to bring it back. ASK gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 PS When your situation improves, you will be the first in line to help another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gerbil runner Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 This is so tough, Karen. That @itch with the adoption agency is the last thing you need. Don't they understand that the added stress and uncertainty can't possibly help Faith?!?! End of rant - sorry. Do you belong to a church? Most churches have many members who will do anything possible for a member in need. Two of our church members dealt with breast cancer a few years ago - both single with no family in the area. Members came to stay with them after surgery, brought meals, took them to dr. appointments, you name it. Maybe you need an older teen to hire as a "mother's helper". Or a home health aid to go with David to chemo. Ask at the hospital if there are any volunteers who could help out, or if they know of any program which might help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeTaa Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Gimme the name of that adoption agency wench. I've got some built up frustration I could use an outlet for . . . Praying for us all, TeeTaa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 stopping right now to say a special prayer for you and dave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betplace Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 ((((Karen)))) Not much I can do to help you sweetie, except sympathize and send hugs and prayers for all of you. Hang in there and ignore the housework so you can take it easy on yourself. Blessings Betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Karen, I hope you get your zip back real soon. That woman at the agency is doing something that sounds illegal, if you all have signed documents about what was required. Just because David is ill is no reason to make Faith's world shaky. She is NOT God. Chin up, kid. Worst come to worst, arrange a playdate for Faith on that day, and call American Cancer Society and tell them you need someone to drive Dave to his chemo and back. That is something I would not be comfortable with -- him driving to and from chemo. You, dear heart, have been under an enormous amount of stress from many sides for quite a while. Don't know how you do it. I will give you some advice, in three words: DELEGATE... Bubble Bath Take care of you, Karen, because you're the glue holding this together. Hopefully won't take too long for Dave's parents to get there... I'll keep fingers crossed. Thinking of you, wishing you smooth sailing... XOXOXOXOX Prayers always, MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Karen you would be abnormal if you were not lethargic. You have too much going on right now you poor thing Do you have an attorney handlign your case with the adoption agency? I want to punch that woman and your boss. Maybe you can just line them all up for me so I can get a swing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ViVi Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Okay, simmer down, TeeTaa. We can't afford to take on the state of Virginia right now - or CAN we??? And I say " we" because I always manage to find myself tagging along when you 'go for it!' I'll never forget the remarks of the docs at MDA after meeting us at Terry's appointment. Better yet, the assessment the Radiology onc and staff made of us that day we both invited ourselves into Terry's examining room. But I sure needed you that first day I took Terry to his regular Onc. But I have to admit, I did much better the second visit. I'll never forget the expression on his face when Terry asked him about possible chemo and which one he would suggest starting with. When he said, "Well, there are several that we could start off with" , Terry and I named over a few, along with their pros/cons and asked for his opinion of them. It was like he wanted to say, "How do you know THAT??" And I would have replied, "From your waiting room!" because he would have known I was lying - as there didn't appear to be anyone in there who knew a thing about what they were being injected with nor WHY. And they sure weren't going to get the info from him! Oh, well, another day, another story. But I believe to this day that he would recognize me on the street and I only had the 'priviledge' of seeing him twice. So - maybe we do need to head to VA. If we can't straighten the whole state out, at least we could baby sit that beautiful child and/or haul DavidC back and forth. He seems like a pretty nice fella - kinda like someone else I know - someone I miss SO much. Hang in there, Karen, and let us know if there's any background work, research, etc. that we could do to help you out. ViVi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Karen, Hang in there on the adoption thing. Having gone through two foreign adoptions I can tell you there is always a glitch somewhere. Just be glad it's not the judge calling you before he signs off asking about the fees (we had that scare with Caitlin). It will go through fine because you know your legal rights...and the adoption agency certainly doesn't want the bad publicity of a law suit. Hang tough. Rochelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Karen, I don't know what to say. Actually, I DO know what to say, but it's not considered acceptable to use that kind of language. I don't want any of this to be happening to you and your family and I'm trying to think of something to say that will help, and I'm drawing a complete blank, except to say I hope you consult an attorney, and that you contact this person's superiors and let them know that the press might be interested in hearing how [/i]they handle things when something unexpected arises. You can sure bet if it were Faith who was the one who is ill, they wouldn't be questioning your parenting skills. They would be expecting you, as the adoptive parent, to take on the role of caregiver to your child! Families are not supposed to dissolve because one member becomes ill. Families are supposed to come together when one of the members is ill. That woman is clueless. I know you are tired, and I know you are overwhelmed, and I would give just about anything to be able to help in a tangible way right now. I am so sorry, Dear Ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted August 17, 2004 Author Share Posted August 17, 2004 Hi ya'll. I just sat here and had a little cry. dave wouldn't let anyone drive him to chemo except for me or his parents I think. and I worry about him, he drove in today to see the radiation oncologist, nausous from yesterday's chemo, blurry eyed (I didn't know about that, heard him confess it to the doc today), taking perkosat (sp?). I had 56 hours of leave without pay on my last paycheck so he'll do anything to keep me from missing any more work than I have to. We live 45 minutes out of town in the country, not convenient for anyone to go out and get him and we don't know many folks out there really. but like I said Dave doesn't want anyone driving him, but when his parents are here he would let his Dad take him, he did last year, he enjoyed that buddy time with his dad. so I worry about that until his dad is here. We joined a church a few years ago and was pretty active there, but a few months after Dave's initial diagnoses they just started ignoring us despite my leaving repeated messages for the minister and music minister to call us. so I quit going. Dave had stopped going during his chemo, I got tired of going and being ignored. No one noticed I was gone for months apparently. It's not a real big church either. all of that is a long story. But Faith's daycare teacher's mother has offered up her own minister to help us, told him about us and gave us his number and she would probably rally up some folks to help us out when we really need it. I do feel like I can count on them to help out with Faith and I have twice already in the last few months, one time with no notice. I guess I just got too dependent on my parents who have always been healthy and active and helpful but now my mom is in the fight for her life as well so here I am . . . . Andrea - an attorney I work with, who also has a daughter adopted from China, prepared the papers to the court to file for Faith's readoption, but she's out of town until Thursday and I'm going mad wanting to talk to her. she's done this a gazillion times so I know she did it right. I want her to call the adoption agency lady and straighten her out so I need to wait for that. I sure hope she's not too busy when she gets back. The thing is, this agency has been so so good to us that I was blindsided by this email. I've only had one other interaction with this woman and I remember thinking she had no warmth to her at all. And she's the executive director of the agency - the only person above her is the guy who founded the agency and is President, but he also runs an architectural business. I copied him on all my emails to her but haven't heard from him yet, but at this point I'll wait for Mary Jo. I'm too tired to fight today any more. I'm just in a real funk, I got FMLA approved but am worried about my job, worried about money, feel spread too thin and feel that I'm a disapointment to alot of people. I really don't care what anyone but Dave and Faith think but I wish I had more time for them. well, here I go crying again so I'd better wrap up my pity party break and wade through some more of my stacks of work . . . thanks for the encouragement and ideas everyone. I just need to hold out until Dave's folks get here. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Karen Hang in there! You can already see the light at the end of the t unnel. Just keep your eye on it and you will be there before you know it! elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Karen I am sure the attorney will be on top of it when she returns. THe person at the agency could just be having a bad day, sometimes people get like that and are just plane old mean! Get this in your head LOUD AND CLEAR. YOU ARE NOT A DISAPPOINTMENT to anyone!!!! You have SO much going on, my goodness, it is a wonder you have not been having anxiety attacks!!! You are diong GREAT. On a side note--how is your mom doing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Karen, Just a suggestion, Do you have a cancer center in the nearest town,????? I work for one, and pick up and drive people to their apointment and stay with them as long as it take and take them home after, no charge. We even take the small children with us, when there are no baby sitter for them. All the drivers have cancer, so we know how to behave with a cancer patient and what to expect at the hospital. Will keep you, your husband and little Faith in my prayers. J.C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted August 18, 2004 Author Share Posted August 18, 2004 Andrea - Mom is doing OK, she's recovering from the colon surgery nicely, but has to have another major surgery on August 30 to remove the part of her liver where the mets was there. then six months of chemo. But as she said, (a) she's not looking forward to it; ( she will be glad to have it behind her; so that © she can live to 95 like her own mother did. Gail - was it you who said I'd be helping others? That's another thing - me - and everyone I know - is stuck in this rat race, working full time and totally absorbed in their own lives. No one has time to help. All our friends are our age of course and work every day and don't have time to help. I betcha I couldn't even find a friend to go to a movie with (like I'd have time, but after Dave's parents get here I plan to treat myself to that every once in a while even if I go alone). I just wish I didn't have to work so I could properly take care of everyone and help others, too. I wish life wasn't like this. It's not worth it. well, the dog is scratching at the door to come in . . . goodnight eveyone, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy P Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 ((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))) Reading your post reminds me so much of where I was in April, won't go into that but suffice to say I cried more than several times at work - a couple of times in my new bosses office (I had only been working for him for 2 wks!) and even more at home. I was SO over whelmed - so many people needed me for so many times but then those same people kept saying I needed to take care of myself but I didn't know how...I have always been the caretaker etc. What I am getting at is you are entitled to the pity party - for at least a little while - because you do have A LOT on your plate right now. Cry, Cry and Cry some more - I always did mine in the shower so I didn't have the answer the kiddos questions - it is one of the best emotional releases. You will make it through this because I can tell from your posts that you are one tough cookie (and being a woman doesn't hurt either ). I am hoping that Dave's parent get there soon and can help relieve some of the pressure on you and once they do, as other have suggested - do something for yourself - massage, pedicure or something. I wish I was there to give you a hug and take you to a good chick flick!!!! Sending extra prayers for you and the whole family!!!!!! Much Love to you, Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justakid Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Karen- I know that I am a stranger to you.......however I live in the same town (Glen Allen) and am fighting the same disease. If there is anyhing I can do to help, even if just to talk to someone in your area. Let me know. Keep your chin up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted August 18, 2004 Author Share Posted August 18, 2004 Justakid - just sent you a PM. Am excited to meet you I hope. Karen C. (p.s. I'm not the one with the disease, my husband is, but I confuse everyone by using his sign on). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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