Ann Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 This may be a long, painful post so please bear with me. Yesterday, I finally took a trip that proved to be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. As many of you know, Dennis and I traveled about an hour and a half each way for his treatment. We had complete faith in the MD Anderson Cancer Center in Orlando and his wonderful oncologist, Dr. Omar Kayaleh. Although many times, Dennis made the journey in terrible pain, he never complained. Upon arrival, we knew there were "friends" awaiting to care for Dennis. As Dennis was a participant in a clinical trial, we were assigned a clinical nurse that we saw on each and every visit. Trudy Graves became a friend, a true angel in disguise. Well, the last day we were there for treatment, we always thought we would be back for more treatment but that didn't happen, as Dennis slipped very quickly. During Dennis's illness, he received treatment in a small building, as construction was underway at the time for the new facility. Being in the building profession, Dennis would comment each visit on the progress made on the new facility. In my heart, I always prayed he would live long enough to see completion. Unfortunately, he missed seeing the new building completed by about two months. In my heart, I knew I would someday have to make that trip back and see the new facility...for Dennis. Well, yesterday I made that long trip alone. I took the same route we always took together, even filled up the gas tank at the same station. When I pulled up in front of the beautiful new building, I thought my heart would literally pop out of my chest! Rather than entering the easy way, I chose to walk up four flights of steps and enter from about the fourth floor. I just don't know when I have cried as hard as I did while going up those steps. I entered and went down the elevator to the first floor, hoping to find a directory. I went to the receptionists desk and asked if Trudy Graves was in. They phoned her and she came to the lobby...arms open to me. Unfortunately, Dr. Kayaleh was on vacation but I will go back to see him. Trudy gave me a wonderful tour of the new center and it is truly beautiful and amazing!!! She spent an hour and a half with me....just reminissing and both of us talking about Dennis. My Dennis was quite a character and he had a wonderful way of "weaving" himself right into the hearts of everyone that new him. Trudy told me that Dennis justs "pops" into her mind very often and that she and Dr. Kayaleh talk about Dennis and admire his strength. I shared stories with Trudy about Dennis's last days. We both cried! When I left, I somehow felt whole and felt like an additional level of closure had been put on my dear husband's death. I went home again...to people that were so kind and caring during the very worst days of my life. Oh...I told Trudy all about our group and what a wonderful circle of friends we have here. She asked if she could pass our web address along, as we sounded like such a strong support source. Of course...I replied..."Yes." Thanks for bearing with me on this long post!!!! My heart feels so much "lighter" this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betplace Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Ann, I am so glad you were able to take this trip. It was hard I know, but it sounds like it was a good thing for you to have done. Any thing you can do to ease the pain is a good thing. Blessings Betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Ann, I am so happy you have found some comfort..Good for you for going there..It sounds like you may be finding your peace... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 That sounds like a very powerful and centering trip. Good for you for making it. I hope it continues to bring you peace. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babesdaughter Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 How proud you must be that you were able to make that trip for Dennis. The fact that his friend/nurse thinks of him so often is a testament to his impact. I hope the trip continues to bring you peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 Ann, Your post brought tears to my eyes. I very much understand the powerful need for closure. Sometimes others don't understand why we do some things to get closure. Some people might question you for taking that painful trip and not understand how important it was for you to do this. Sometime, when it seems appropriate, and when I won't interfere with someone else's thread, I will share on a new thread the closure-trip I made relative to our infant son that died in 1982. Sometimes the only way to get peace is to go through the pain necessary to get that peace. I applaud you for taking the time and making the effort to see the completion of the center. I'm sure God led you there because he knew you needed this closure. God bless you, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted August 20, 2004 Author Share Posted August 20, 2004 Thank you friends for all the kind words. I don't quite understand why, but making that trip made such a difference. I seem more prepared to move ahead with life again. Thanks for all your advice and support!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Ann, I am glad you made the trip. I am sure it was hard but also heart warming in the same moment. It is good to connect with those that knew Dennis so well. Did I ever tell you, he is who I saw in my dream. Much love girl. Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted August 22, 2004 Share Posted August 22, 2004 Ann, Oh, I can only imagine how hard it was at first but also can kind of feel the relief you are feeling now because you did something that has been on you mind to do but couldn't make yourself do till now. Am glad you feel like you can move on. I am not at that point as yet but know it is ahead somewhere. Good for you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted August 22, 2004 Share Posted August 22, 2004 Dear Ann, I understand fully why you felt the need to go on that trip. It was something you and Dennis watched as it progressed and to see the completion of it is kind of like going full circle. I think you were very brave and very wise to make that trip. I have yet to return to Maine since my Brother passed away but will be going up there next month and I am sure it will be very hard on me. I have another Brother that lives only about 10 mins from where Alan lived and I need to be able to go there to see him and I think we have some catching up to do as we were the 2 siblings that were with Alan when he passed. I felt our bond get so much stronger throughout this. Dennis made an impression and a favorable one on many it sounds. I am glad that the nurse there had that much time she could spend with you. I am sure she is glad also. We have to remember that people are people and we all impact eachother's lives one way or another and DR's and nurses too frequently must get close to their patients just to see them just drop out of their lives. This helps to give them closure too. My Brother's family DR and one he admired came to his funeral. He spoke with each of us and told us how special Alan was to him. When my Brother didnt want to accept the fact that he could not live alone he called this DR and asked him, his DR told he absolutly not. My Brother got off the phone and said "Wow, I feel like I just spoke with God". That is how much my Brother admired his DR. This was not his oncologist and He was the type of DR that just did his job and you never saw his heart. I guess I am rambling on your thread and I apoligise. Seeing that faucility done and seeing his nurse again must have brought back a flood of memories, but in turn have comforted you. Your a brave lady and you are in my prayers always, God Bless You, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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