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"Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry 'lacks deeply held convictions.' Today Kerry shot back, he said, 'That's not completely true.'" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president." —David Letterman

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding." —Jay Leno

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno

"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno

"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman

"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

"Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.'" —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." —Craig Kilborn

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno

"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno

"John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican." —David Letterman

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." —Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq."

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"President Bush was munching on some pretzels when he choked and fainted. All this time we were worrying about Osama bin Laden, turns out he was almost done-in by Mr. Salty." —Jay Leno

"Now you'll be glad to know the president will practice safe snacks." —First Lady Laura Bush, discussing her husband's pretzel mishap, on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno

"Our president is in town, George W. Bush. It's a fundraiser. They're being very creative, you've got to give them credit. For $10,000 you can give George Bush the Heimlich Maneuver." —David Letterman

"President Bush this week said that between going to war and raising twins, he'd pick war. His daughters Jenna and Barbara then sent him a big bag of pretzels for the Super Bowl." —Dennis Miller

"Here's good news, President Bush has recovered from the pretzel choking episode. I tell you, I never thought I would hear 'White House' and 'gag-reflex' in the same sentence again." —David Letterman

"Earlier tonight, George W. Bush gave his State of the Union. Here's what George W. set as his agenda. He has three goals. One, fight terrorism. Number two, he's going to improve the economy. And number three, he's going to do his best not to pass out during the Super Bowl." —David Letterman

"President Bush got through the Super Bowl without event. The Secret Service pre-chewed his pretzels." —David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Bush unveiled a $38 billion dollar homeland security plan. The president said that under the new plan, we can wipe out the threat of pretzels in our lifetime." —Conan O'Brien

"Today the Hart Senate building was re-opened after all traces of anthrax were removed. In a related story, the White House was re-opened today as well, after all traces of pretzel were removed." —Conan O'Brien

"Poor guy, he blacked out and hit the ground and he was out for four seconds. Fortunately, those were the same four seconds that Dick Cheney was conscious yesterday." —David Letterman

"A doctor on TV today said the reason this happened to President Bush is because he has lower than average blood pressure. Can't this guy ace one test in his life. All his numbers are lower than average." —Jay Leno

"Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel." —David Letterman

"Earlier today, Bush's cabinet told him that they had nothing to do with helping Enron. Bush had trouble swallowing that as well." —David Letterman

"Over the weekend, the President passed out after choking on a pretzel. Better than the old days, when he used to choke on vowels. Remember that?" —Jay Leno

"I guess what happened was, Bush passed out, banged his head on a table, then came to a few seconds later. Today Bush said it was just like being back in college." —Jay Leno

"My favorite thing about this so far is that on MSNBC the other day they were calling President Bush's dogs heroes, because they 'kept guard' over him while he was passed out. The dogs aren't heroes, they were just waiting to see how long he would be passed out, so they could steal his pretzels and eat them." —Jay Leno

"They are taking this pretty seriously. White House staffers spent all day yesterday child-proofing the residence." —Jay Leno

"They ran to get Dick Cheney, and they realized nobody could remember the undisclosed location he was hiding in." —Jay Leno

"I told a joke to the audience last night and it triggered their Vagus nerve and they all passed out." —David Letterman

"This is exactly the sort of accident that befalls Homer Simpson, night after night." —The London Daily Telegraph, in an editorial explaining why the pretzel incident proves Bush is a "man of the people"

"Chew slowly." —A note scrawled on a big bag of pretzels that President Bush sent back to the press cabin on Air Force One, a day after he fainted after choking on a pretzel

"Mother, I should have listened to you. Always chew your pretzels before you swallow" —President Bush

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