Tracy Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 Hello everyone, Its been about a week since I have been posting...seems longer. I escaped my life for a few days and went to Reno to visit with a friend. Being young and foolish I decided to drink away my blues. Well it worked, temporarily of course, but boy did it leave a hangover! The second the plane landed I immediately started bawling...I didnt want to come back to my life. I didnt want to deal with anything anymore. After landing I called my parents to let them know I had landed ok and my dad answered the phone. We did the whole " I am ok" "did you have fun" "yup but tired, tell ya more when I get home" and then he said "I MISSED you". WELL...let me tell you what that did to me!!! The floodgates were opened! We are a very close family but it was the way he had said it, like hes starting to say things more frequently because he wants us to know how he feels. It hit me like a tonne of bricks...my Daddys dying. Up to that point I have always been "Rah Rah we are going to beat this" not letting any negativity bring me down. But all of a sudden I had to deal with the reality that my father is dying and no one is doing a Damned thing about it! We still have yet to see an oncologist...why is this taking so long...its almost like they have given up on him because no one seems to be fighting for him! This disease makes me so angry. My mom had asked me to come over the next night to tell them about the trip. For once Dad was actually interested in what was going on around him and not just blankly staring at a wall or someone. It was a good night and it brightened my spirits a little. The next day my sister and I walked over to our parents house for coffee after work (we decided that we will be doing this quite regularly from now on) but it depressed the hell out of me.It is so sad to see the way he looks at my nephew...like he is trying to absorb it all...doesnt want to miss one smile. He is really depressed and it really bringing my whole family down. I guess the "happy" pills arent working yet. I am very scared that we are going to lose dad quickly...he just looks so frail and weak...like if you blew he would break. He has been coughing up a whole lot of blood (so much the doctor is running more tests to ensure that he isnt losing too much) and is in a tremendous amount of pain. He has been popping the tylenol 3's like they are candy! I also fear for my mother. My sister and I can deal with losing Daddy, we'll have to I guess, but my mom really scares us. She keeps saying that if Dad goes she is going too! I realize alot of people may say this but we truly believe it could be possible. She talks about taking awhole lot of pills and just going to sleep. I think it is time for me to see someone professionaly. My doctor wouldnt give me an anti-depressant because she doesnt believe I am depressed, but she did give me an anti-anxiety pill. Its non-addictive so it takes three weeks to take effect. I dont think I can wait three more weeks, my brain is fried! My work has a counciling firm on staff so perhaps I should look into that. I am so sorry for going on and on...you dont realize how much you are typing until you stop for a brief moment and look up! I hope everyone is doing well. I am so sorry for those that have lost a loved one while I was away from the board. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny G. Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 Tracy, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad that you were able to take a break. I would take your dad for a second opinion right away. At least they should be able to treat his pain more effectively and make him more comfortable. Have they not suggested chemo yet? I wish I could say something more to help and that you will find the strength to see you through this. We are all here for you. Jenny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 Dear Tracy, Your posting reminds me of how much cancer is a family disease. Everyone in the family is affected when this happens.I looked back in your posts and see you have an appointment for June 17th(tuesday). So that's very soon, that's good, because at that appointment you'll get some answers and some ACTION which is what you really need now. Once active treatment begins for your Dad, the "dumps" may lessen since everyone will feel that SOMETHING IS BEING DONE TO STOP THIS THING. At that appointment be sure to take notes, or bring a tape recorder, because, as many of us have experienced, you're so beside yourself that you can "miss" what's being said. I hope you or one of your sisters will go with Mom and Dad to the appointment. Also, try and make a list of all your questions ahead of time -maybe you could have a little family meeting ahead of time, everyone can list their questions, and then you can feel prepared to go to battle. Do not accept any negativity from the doctor if that starts to happen - there are treatments available for all stages of this disease. There are survivors for every stage. Your dad can be one of them Please let us know how you're doing, we care. Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 Tracy, I'm glad to see you took a break. These are necessary for our health and sanity. Your dad has become more aware, because of the mortality issue, what is important and what is not, and I think that is why he is more into saying what he wants to say and paying more attention. Lucie and I gave each other attention, but we do so much more for each other now. I hope and pray be best for your dad and your family. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 Tracy, I cant tell you how many times I have posted the same feelings and fears. My mom was diagonosed 2/7/03 and we didn't see the doctor until 2/27/03 and did not start treatment until 2/30/03. On that day 2/30/03 I remember when they took the chemo needle out...I wisibly took a deep breath and a sigh of relief, THE CHEMO WAS IN!! Within 3 weeks, the day of her second chemo actually, an x-ray was taken just for the doctors purposes...he was dumbfounded that her tumor had shrank by 50% in just those 3 weeks. well fast forward to today she had her 5th chemo on 6/11 and according to x-rays the doctor cant see any tumor left. Now we have to have a PET scan to see if its gone or too small for the eye to detect. Granted she did get some brain mets but she has had 14 full head radiation treatments and we get the follow up MRI done 7/7/03. If there is somethig left she has Stereotatic surgery done and hopefully that will zap the suckers. Go to the apt. with a list of questions and a good pen for notes. If he isn't the fighter advocate your dad needs. FIRE him and find another one by calling ALLCASE they can recommend one in your area. Get the chemo in and then take a breath, My mom is stage 3a-b and aside from chemo and rad side effects she is fighting this crap disease. Some days are good and some are not so good but she is still here and fighting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debaroo Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 Tracy, All I can say is, all of the above posts were right. When my dad was diagnosed in Jan 2002, my sister and I were convinced that he had months to live. That was a year and a half ago. CHemo started and once it did, Dad "never felt better" it was amazing. He has extensive NSCLC, mets to the spine in the beginning, then to the brain in Dec 2002... We deal with things one thing at a time. There have been ups and downs, but we don't waste the times that he is feeling well. He handled chemo with few side effects. The worst were the steriods for the brain mets, and althought hes been off since april, the affects remain...so its been kind of tough. We'll see what comes up next. He is on Iressa now. The point is, that you have to take a moment to step back and not get too far ahead of the cancer, because that is actually impossible to do. You think you can, but you can't. So take one moment at a time. Savor the time with your dad, but fight, fight, fight. You might just be surprised at how well he does, I know I was with my Daddy. Enjoy fathers day, make EVERY DAY FATHERS DAY, step back and make time for yourself, too. Because, eventually, you may be really really needed. Don't feel guilty when you get tired and need a break. This disease is all consuming, not just to the person who has it, but to the family members. Take care, Deb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracy Posted June 16, 2003 Author Share Posted June 16, 2003 Well, we just did the Fathers Day thing. Made sure this year I got the Perfect Card that says exactly how I feel...usually I go with funny haha kind...but not this year. Dad came over and we all had a nice bbq. It was great. But then it turned...... Dad started coughing and couldnt stop....lots of blood. It scares him so much and as a result scares us too. It went on for about 15 min and then Dad finally said he had to go home. He doesnt want any of us to see him that way, so he would run to the bathroom and stay in it for a few minutes, come out and do it all over again. We tried to see if he wanted a bucket of some sorts or kleenex but he has too much pride. So he left. And thats when my breakdown started. It was so hard to hold it all in while he was coughing. The second he left I just couldnt control my bawling. I am so scared. The oncologist appointment is on tuesday. I pray that he will be able to get dad going on some kind of treatment. I have set my mentality to expect the worst but hope for the best. I am hoping that perhaps with treatment maybe he will become operable. I have read it on here before so I know that tumors do shrink. My brother-in-law thinks that by coming onto this site I am setting myself up to break when dad dies. He thinks this is a false hope. But even when I read about people who have lost their battle (and I cry and cry and cry) I still feel better by finding this site. I find it truly amazing how people who have never met can reach out and support a stranger. Just having a place to vent is keeping me sane.....Thank you to all of you for supporting me through this hard time...My prayers are with you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 Stay on this site. My husband, bless his heart, thinks the same thing, but I know what I need. I need to be able to reach out when I need to, and writing helps. This site is my journal. Breakdowns happen, and let them happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 mee too. my husband says the same things. he cant understand how I can be on this site after dealing with LC all day. I say "It helps me immensely to know I am not alone" Who else but the poeple who live it to help others through it. I cant get off this site even if I wanted too. It is therapy for me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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