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Monday, September 6


KatieB

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For those of you who have been past the year mark-

Did you go back and read your posts from last year? I don't know if I am torturing myself or what, but I read everything- It's like a raw emotionally wounded diary of every feeling I had those last 3 weeks...from the time we found the brain mets, to when dad went into the hospital, to the days after he died. On top of that, as I am reading the replies, I see replies from Dr. Sam, Ada, Sue, Estelle and Greg Gaither, Becky, Judy B, Mo_Sugar, Bess, David A. and Jenny- + all the caregivers who have lost someone within the last year.....and that weighs me down and makes my heart hurt even more-

I feel like I have regressed back to last year.

Is this normal?

Did this happen to you guys at the year mark?

I keep thinking it will be easier once the "firsts" are over, but the pain- it feels so fresh still at times.

I guess I am rambling. WIll be planning to keep a low profile the next few days until Monday has come and gone.

Take care and God bless everyone.

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I have done the same thing with each month. When the 28th comes, I read all of the posts that I have put into this forum and the lost a loved one forum. It does reopen the wound somewhat, but at the same time reminds me of how much better I feel now compared to five months ago when every thought was a sad one. Now I think more and more about the happy times with Becky than of the sad moments of the diagnosis, the failed surgery, and of course the day she died. I think it is very healthy to go back and read those posts, but also be aware of how far you have come. And when you remember Becky and all the others who have left us, think not just of lost friends, but of people whose last days you in particular made better by giving all of us this site. The last year of Becky's life was made better because of you. Let a little of that light seep through the sadness.

Warmly,

Curtis

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Katie -

I know just how it feels. Sept. 1 is the one year mark for me with my husband and Aug. 31 is 16 years for the loss of my son. At least the official Labor Day weekend falls a little later this year, so that is a touch easier. It's ironic that they both passed away on Labor Day weekend, but at least the sad anniversary times are together and not spread out.

I didn't go back and read the posts. It's too hard. But I totally agree with Curtis that you have much to be proud of in providing this site to help so many people. Bless you and Rick, Katie.

My sister is here with me. She arrived Aug. 28 last year, stayed with me through the last days in the hospital and the funeral, and this year she arrived here again on Aug. 28 -- bless her heart! The distractions help so much. When she returns to Maryland in another week, my daughter and I will be going with her and we'll stay two weeks in the Maryland, DC and NY area. All of this helps, and it is a little easier in some ways, but the pain is also still very fresh and raw. It takes a looonnng time, Katie, but we will get through it.

((((Katie)))))

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Oh Katie,

Either its normal or I am right there with you...I personally can not look at any old post, it is way too painful..I think many times we are so tempted to because somehow it brings us back to when they were still here..I think it makes them alive again even if it is only in our minds..Along with that feeling of having them comes the feelings of what they went through, by reading our old post I dont think we can have the memories of them without the pain, it seems to go hand in hand..

In my case I can barely look at my dads picture when I post a message, its just easier for me that way..I know I have told you this and again I dont know if its good advice, dont torture yourself, seriously do something else to get your mind off of it..People may say I am in denial but it works for me, please stop thinking of those last days, I remember how distrought you were last year, and I know how that pain just hits out of nowhere..

It was out of our control Katie, God needs our precious dads for something greater than we know....You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers these next coming days, I hope your mom is doing better, our poor moms...

XO

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At the one year mark, I flew to Ohio to be with my Mom. She and I were talking about nothing, and I started to look at the photo montage I'd compiled for the memorial celebration, and I lost it. I cried so hard, and told her how much I missed Dad. And she comforted me.

Mom insisted that "Dad" turned on a lamp (one that he'd especially liked - he'd bought a pair of them in China) in the living room from time to time. She would come home later than she expected, and the house would not be dark - instead that lamp would be on. We laughed about this "coincidence", and then went to bed.

When we awoke the next morning, one year to the day after he died, the lamp was on.

So, to me, one year anniversaries are very important. Katie, your Dad is glad that you are remembering him, but he doesn't want you to grieve, he wants you to feel his presence and be happy. He is with you.

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Katie if I go back to diagnosis date, I can only imagine how normal it is to go back to the 1 year mark of a passing.

Plus you are so emotionally attached to people here which some arguably say is not healthy (I myself who am not as involved as you have been told it is not healthy).

Sneding hugs your way

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Katie,

I remember the year mark of my father's death was difficult. It was the end of all the "firsts" without him; I felt like I was again letting him go and I was.. I think it was the beginning of my acceptance of life without my dad in it.

It is hard looking back a year to see the people we lost. I remember doing that in May, the anniversary of my first joining the board. People who were there for me, who had responded when I first came here, and some of them were gone. But there are so many who are still here Katie... and that have a place to come to because of you and Rick.

I have always said that the greatest thing that I can wish for when I die, was to have made a big difference in at least one life on Earth. Your dad's life has generated this board and this lifeline for so many people; you have made a tribute to him that will keep affecting thousands of people. I wish that I could have done such an honor for my dad.

My thoughts are with you and Rick this weekend...

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Katie, I have found myself re-reading old posts from before my dad died, just so I could remember what was going on -I go to the posts that were done a year to the date that it is now. I try to remember, I don't know what I think I'll get out of it. Sometimes I feel like I can't remember anything, so I go back to 'find my dad', so to speak. To read about things we'd said or done, just to remember when he was here. So, if you are "out there", as you have read, you are not "out there" alone.

I keep thinking of that old childrens song where you pretend to be on an adventure of some sort, and you come up to a point where you have to figure out how to continue on the trail, do you know what I"m talking about? I feel like, in dealing with the grief and living on without someone so important and special, we have to think this way:(I hope this makes sense to anyone reading it) as kids you'd say you're on the trail and you come to a dark forest and realize:

"CAN'T GO OVER IT, CAN'T GO UNDER IT, CAN'T GO AROUND IT, HAVE TO GO THROUGH .

Thats where we are at in terms of living life and hitting the dark forrest of grief of the loss of someone we loved so dear and will always miss-HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT. And we do, sometimes the brush is very thick and seems to be impossible to get through-get out the machette-then other times its not quite so thick, but it isn't a clearing so much, either.

Well, my sister, knowing that you guys are here to be my guides sure does help.

Take care, Katie. You're doing just fine, even when you don't think you are-you havn't let the thicket stop you. Sending my love to you, Deb

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Katie,

Sorry about your pain,

I can't look back on posts of last year, even this year,

I do not write much about the way I feel, but the pain

is as strong and do not go away, in a month it will be

a year (Oct.13th) for Mike, and already I am thinking

about that date, fearing it.

The love you had for your father and the love he gave

back in return will always be with you, so hold on to that,

and all the good memories.

Love

J.C.

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Katie,

I don't need to go back and read the posts from a year ago--your agony then is still fresh in my mind. In some ways it seems like it was yesterday and then in some ways it seems like a long, long time ago.

I was very melancholy at my 1 year mark from diagnosis and surgery, and I still really can't put a finger on why exactly.

Just know how much we care about you here and my thoughts are with you always, but especially on the 6th.

Cindy

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Katie,

I think Deb put it best....."CAN'T GO OVER IT, CAN'T GO UNDER IT, CAN'T GO AROUND IT, HAVE TO GO THROUGH .

Each of us that are on this path, know that each of us travel it differently but yet, we are all on the same path. We each see different aspects of our grief in our own eyes, not through the eyes of others, therefore our memories may be similar but not the same.

I speak for myself only. I am from what I call "old school". The practice of grieving for a full year before you "come" out of mourning. My kids and I have talked about this alot. We decided that in order to honor my husband, their father, our friend, we had to start accepting. We accept that we will always have pain when we think of Randy's last days. We accept that we will never forget the pain and heartache it has caused us all, including Randy, to know he was dying. We accept also that Randy told us he did not want us to mourn him forever. He wanted us to find that place in life that let us be able to see the blessings in life. He wanted us to live our lives to the fullest that it can be. He shared with us how hard it was for him, and how he knew it was going to be much harder for us to continue on after his death. He asked us to live for each day, to carry on. But he also really impressed on us, that we had to work to find the happiness that is within each of us. He wanted us to remember the good times more that his last few weeks of life.

I have not gone back and re-read my posts from when I joined in a long time. When I have, it caused me to focus on those thoughts that have caused me so much pain. The hopelessness and the helplessness I felt. I would rather let my good memories take over the remembering for now until I am stronger. I have found by doing this, that alot more of the happy memories are coming to the forefront of my mind verses remembering the suffering we all went through.

I think of you often and of what your mother is going through. I have not only lost my husband, but my father too passed a number of years ago when I was your age. I know the sadness it brings and the stuggle it is to go on. But go on we do.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother right now. I know the week leading up to the one year mark was hard. I know you will continue to work through your grief just as so many of us are doing right along with you. Know you are not alone. We know the pain. Know that you are loved. Not only by those of us here, but by your father also. He is with you always. He is part of you and always will be. Try to focus on the more happy memories you have of your father from before he was sick. Hold those memories closer to your heart.

Much love to you and to all the rest that are on this path. May God give us strenght to carry on, to honor our memories of our loved ones. And most of all, I wish each of us enough.......

Shirleyb

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Katie,

I hope you are getting through this weekend ok. I agree with the things that Cathy said. I just don't put myself through the torture of "going back." I just can't. It's too painful. When I think of my dad, I only want to think of the funny things he did or said and just try to remember him the way he was before he got sick. He didn't have LC, but his disease was just as awful, and his death, just as sad. I feel like if I go back and remember those days, then he is just dying all over again in my mind. Losing him once was hard enough, I don't want to lose him again. I just want to try to remember his life. He was such a lover of life and people, and that's what he would want me to be doing - loving life and loving people. Every day, I remember his words: "Think positive, baby, think positive."

Hope you're feeling better soon, honey. Take care of yourself and hug those cute kids for me. Oh yeah, give Rick a hug, too.

Love,

Peggy

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Katie,

I know what you're feeling, but my perspective is 13 years out. What came to my mind when you mention the reopening of a wound is what occurs in physical therapy for burn victims. In order for the injury to heal with minimal scarring and better functionality the wounds are debrided. That means that they are opened up at intervals, and that which isn't healing well is removed so that new, healthy tissue will grow. I think the grieving process is very much like this. But make no mistake, both of these experiences are extremely painful to the one who is going through them.

I will be thinking of you, and hoping that the intense pain doesn't go on too long.

Much Affection,

Fay A.

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Oh, Katie, I've been thinking about you this past week. I knew "the date" was soon approaching and noticed the exact date when you responded to one of my posts. I'm sure what you are experiencing is competely normal. I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. You are in my thoughts.

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Dear Katie,

I came here today hoping to be able to relieve some of your pain by writing some words of insight and wisdom. Instead I find myself totally absorbed by and immersed in the feelings so eloquently expressed by the other members of the board. The responses to your post have brought me tremendous 'relief' and I hope they have done the same for you. All those books and articles I have read about dealing with the loss of someone you love so very much don't even begin to bring the comfort that these responses have brought me today. To every one of you, I say thank you so much. And to you, Katie, I send an extra special 'thank you' for making it all possible. What a memorial to your Dad!

Rest peacefully tonight, Katie. Your Dad will and he wants you to, also.

Love,

ViVi

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