SBeth Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 I'm at a total loss for what to do. Here is my problem...in a nutshell. My 47 year old husband was dx Memorial Day 2004 with NSCLC Adenocarcinoma Stage IV with mets to the brain at two sites. The brain tumors were removed via emergency surgery on Memorial Day and two weeks later, on June 15, 2004 he had a lung resect to remove most of the lung tumor. He has been extremely healthy and endured 35 rounds of radiation (is that what you call each radiation treatment...a round) and is receiving chemotheraphy of Carbo and Taxol weekly on Mondays. He has been extremely healthy so far. Last week we got a clean CT. Everything seems great...but I cannot forget that he was diagnosed Stage IV and I have read the stats and prognosis for this Dx. I'm keeping the faith, as is he, that everything will be okay. But....over the weekend he decided that he wanted to go back to our original plan to build our dream home. We had an appointment to sit down with a realtor and builders the day after he was diagnosed and obviously we cancelled. This project will be an enormous venture for both of us...both emotionally and financially. He will not be going back to work until the end of the year...but how do I tell him that I don't want to do this? I've tried to talk to him about what his reasons are and he just says...."nothing has changed since Spring" and that he just wants to get on with our lives. What do I do? I'm so scared that he (we) are biting off more than we are bargaining for and we will pay the price with his health, but what if this is the ONE thing he wants to do before ... what do I do? Please give me some advice...anyone? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mona61 Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 I know exactly how you feel. My husband is 46 and we also had made some plans. I would say go ahead and take the plunge if that is what he wants to do. Ignore the statistics and live life to the fullest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 I'm the one who was diagnosed with Lung Cancer at the age of 44. If I were the spouse, I would not allow myself to be pushed into such a huge undertaking unless I was absolutely certain that I could afford to pay for it on my income alone....and that doing so was something I felt comfortable doing. And I don't particularly see this as you not being supportive of him. Common sense has to come into play. I'm a Stage IV, too..... And here it is, 5 years after my diagnosis that I finally felt I could commit to a major house remodel. Bottom line for me is that as soon as I was diagnosed with Lung Cancer I had to accept that some of my dreams were never going to happen. But I have replaced those with dreams that CAN come true...I focus on those. I'm not saying you should not do this. I am saying that you should not do this unless you are certain you CAN do this... Best Wishes to you both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 One good thing is that they did a resection of both the lung tumor and brain metastasis. That is probably a very good thing. There are very limited times when they will do this, so though he is stage IV, he is probably a "better" stage IV, since they did the resection of the primary I am pretty cautious on the financial side. Carleen and a few other people on here are building a house while fighting the disease, so those people might help. I think it is Joe B who is building a house. Just building a house can be difficult. I am sure it will be stressful, but sometimes have to people deal with things by just moving on. Good luck with the decision Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 This is a hard one to call. Your husband seems to be in good shape right now. Forget the statistics. There are many on this board who are Stage IV and living on. My wife is two years from Stage IV diagnosis. One thing we caregivers have to remember is that the patient has to have something he or she can work towards, goals to achieve. As soon as my wife was able, we took a trip to Scotland last May because she always wanted to go there. Having something to work toward, to live for, gives them strength to move on and feel optimistic. Since this is a financial deal, only you and your husband can assess if the risk is worth it. I tend to say, "Go for your dreams", but I am not in your shoes. How many people of good health make big plans and commitments, and then are suddenly killed by heart attack, car accident. etc? We never know. Follow your heart. Best to you both. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 I agree 100% with everything that Fay said. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 I dont know the specifics about your financial situation, but getting mortgage life insurance will not be possible given your husband's dx. If you can afford the payments on your own AND feel comfortable about it, then do so. This doesn't mean you have given up hope; it just means that you are excersising common sense. love and fortitude elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Well, could you look and search plans for awhile with the hope of doing it "at some point in time"? Its not just the financial end you need to worry about it is the major stress of undertaking such a project. If you can't be there to monitor the building etc and everything that needs to be done, it will be nightmare. I don't know about where you live but here in Michigan good, trustworthy builders that will bring your project in on time (or even close) are few and far between. My girlfriend was shocked to find out that when deer hunting season starts, all construction ends.. Even the State of Michigan had to resort to paying huge bonuses to builders to get things done within the time frame. It's just that building is not usually a pleasant experience so think carefully before taking it on. What about house shopping to see if someone else has already built your dream house and saved you all that trouble? This disease makes it necessary sometimes to start dreaming new dreams... Rochelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 My husband had a similar dx. I had been talking about downsizing prior to him getting sick, but he wanted nothing to do with it, he loved our house and land. My advise. For now, do all the planning, pick out the layout, the lighting, the kitchen and bathroom stuff etc .as a together project. Buy some time. See where you are in a few months. Unless, of course, this will cause you no financial hardship or undue stress. Since my advise was free it is worth just that. This is a decision you have to make yourselves. And I know, if you think it is the wrong decision, it will probably be the most difficult thing to tell your husband that you do not think his dream is feasible right now. Let us know. And I hope your husband is the stage IV that we will all be talking about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 I can't give you much advice on the house but I can offer this word of encouragement. Pts with lung cancer and isolated brain mets without other mets who have both the brain mets and lung primary removed can be cured. And I do mean that in the gone forever not just for a while cured. And besides, as I tell my patients, "funny, you sure don't look like a statistic...." Joe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJAS Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 We also have a house which is not a good fit for our needs at present, but we're hanging in there because I do not think the stress of selling and relocating is a good thing to add to the job of recovery. Since I believe strongly that stress played a major role in my husband's illness, I could not imagine trying to build a home now. We have gone through two total home remodels and that was stressful enough. I agree that you should "buy some time" before diving into this project. (p.s. to Dr. Joe - that's a great line. Bless your heart ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBeth Posted September 20, 2004 Author Share Posted September 20, 2004 Thanks to all of you for you insightful and heartfelt responses to this difficult decision I am facing. I especially would like to say thanks to Oncodoc - Joe for the words of encouragement. You are the first person, with clinical insight, to give me such hope! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmydog2 Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 My wife and I were in almost the same situation when I was dx. We had bought a new doublewide mobil home. We actuall started the process the day after Christmas 2002. It was sort of my present to her. I went alone looking around and found the perfect home. I told her, honey we are going after work tomorrow to look at your doublewide. Anyway, as I expected, she loved it. We hasseled around for a month or so debating on whether to sell our home, put it on our land or to buy new land. Anyway, we wound up renting our old place etc. This was Feb 2003. In the meantime I was dx. We had closed on the deal and were awaiting delivery from the factory. The weather played a part in the late delivery etc. Altho we had closed the deal it was not delivered so I left it to her to make the decision to continue on or to back out of deal. We could have backed out, even tho we had closed, cause they had been delivering for 6 weeks and still no delivery. After discussing it in length about the possibilities as to what might happen to me and the fact that I might not work anymore, we decided that if we backed out then we stood chance of never getting approved again due to my lack of income except SSDI. We are in the new home and love it. Every situation is different. What we felt was right may not be right for you. This is your call. Can you sell it if things should turn bad? Things might work out for you and your husband. Miracles do happen everyday. Not trying to influnce you but I might take the chance. Just my 2 cents worth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 SBeth, Snowflake (Becky) is building a house. Joe B. is building a house. . . and I bet others here are as well. We are THINKING about buying a brand new travel trailer (and only just thinking because of the affordability factor NOW, not the "what if" factor). I agree with Fay A. (Fay A. is the voice of reason in ALL occasions I find!). IF you can afford it on your own (and you may be surprised, SS survivors benefits for my daughter and I would make my paying our mortgage on my own very easy when I thought it would be impossible - not that I want that to happen, but when Dave told me what they would be I quit having panic attacks over the awful "what ifs" in my life and just quit thinking about them). Anyway, I digress, but IF you think you could deal with it IF you had to on your own, and frankly I don't think you will have to - THEN GO FOR IT. You can;t stop your life because he has (or, had) cancer. You've got to continue living it! Don't live with the thought of the next "what if" that waits around the corner. And yes, if they were able to remove the mets and the primary tumor that sounds great, and oncdoc and John are really the experts on this type of thing. Please keep us posted, I would love to see construction site photos in your Avator! Karen c. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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