Can't get beyond this...

[MSWKitty]

I need some support today friends. I keep ruminating on the moment my mom and I walked into the hospital room to see my father, who had passed just before we got to the hospital. I'm grieving for how awful that moment was, but more for my mother. She just kept holding on to my father, and crying, "Larry, no, no, why?..." My heart is so broken for her, and I know I need to feel these feelings and go through the process, but it's so damn painful. I'm afraid I'm going to have a panic attack over the pain that's coming up with that memory. I'm now trying make myself think of other things, but I keep going back to that. I feel so stuck on that right now. Help! ...

Kitty

[natalie]

I know exactly what you are talking about...reliving the final moments.

I remember having to call my Dad to tell him my mom had passed (he had just left the hospital for 30 minutes to go hom and take a shower after being there for 3 days straight). I remember his reaction and right now typing this part hurts. I can get so consummed in these thoughts to the point that I feel like I'm going to vomit. To see your parents vulnerable and grief strucken is unbearable. I remember my mom trying to tell me something before she passed but not able to get it out reaching her hand for me. That's the last she spoke and the last time I saw her eyes open. You want to take their pain away, your own pain away but there is absolutely no escaping the pain. There's no fix. In your stage of grief I constantly rummaged through these thoughts..especially when I was driving alone, in the shower or trying to fall asleep. At night I'd take melatonin to help me sleep and if I felt a panic attack coming on, I'd use xanax. Those two things alone, really helped. I still think about it, but not as much. I'm starting to remember more of the positive memories which is comforting. Remember, you have been traumatized...you were probably so shocked after everything that now it's all processing. I wish I could take your pain away as I know it so well. I'm still finding the grief hard, but I can only tell you that I don't think about those times as much as before. I'm here for you if you ever need to vent. I'm so sorry for your loss, but you are here with people that just "get it"...so if you find that friends, family, etc expect you to move on, or handle this a different way, you come back here and lean on us.

[kimblanchard]

I don't know that you can do anything but have those memories. There will come a time when more of your thoughts are about the years and years of your father's healthy life and the memories you created together, but it is too soon for that now. So know at least that you are not the only person who is dealing with that, and know also that it will get better, even if you can't believe it now.

Curtis

[cathy]

Kitty,

I am so sorry for your heart wrenching pain..All I can say is I know exactly what you mean and it is so hard to get those thoughts to leave your head..The pain seems to last 24/7 and I know thats all you can seem to think about right now, it will get better I promise..

When I lost my dad I was so overwhelmed with the grief I thought I was going crazy, I still am not sure if I am okay because I certainly dont feel okay, however I will say the pain is a bit duller than it was a year ago Aug 19th..I try really hard not to think about those days, its the only way I think I will ever survive this world and be able to be there for my family..

Just take one day at a time and if you need someone to talk to I'm here..

(((KITTY))))

[JoniRobertWilson]

Each day seems to bring different feelings for me. I certainly have those moments where I seem to keep recalling each moment leading up to Robert's death. I think you have to think about those times to heal. You can lead your mind elsewhere so you don't dwell on it but I think that is a gift only time can give. That and drugs. My husband used to say it was "better living through chemicals" and I say take whatever the doctor feels is safe for you to take to get through those most horrific periods of grief. It's been such a short time for you since you lost your dad. I think one thing of grief I didn't think of is we grief for each person who also suffered the loss - in your case your sadness is not only for yourself but for someone you love and I almost think that is harder.

I lost my husband but I feel sorry for his family, his friends, my family too, I know everyone who loved him is hurting.

I wish God would grant me a pass for the next year to pass it all up so I don't have to feel this pain in my stomach and my heart but I guess, unfortunately we have to take the bad with the good (11+ years together and one great kid).

I do wish you well. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, I really am. Hang in there.

[babesdaughter]

(((((Kitty)))))

I'm right there with you today. I miss my Mom so intensely today....I knew grief "hurt", but I always thought it was in the figurative sense, but it really physically hurts.

I pray those images will fade for you, for all of us really.

It is the love that will shine through and cause those bad memories to fall in to the shadows.....they will never go away, but if they will just dim; I will be happy.

Bless you,

Paige

[KC]

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the pain your are in. My Dad passed away in March and for the first few months all I could do was think about those last painful weeks of his life. My mind and heart was consumed with it. It did hurt physcially. But...you need to go through that and I promise you it will get better. I still think about that very painful ending, but...I have more times when I am remembering my father and the wonderful memories we made and for that I am grateful. It will be hard for you to imagine that will ever happen, but it will, and until that time, I will be praying for peace for you.

[Carolsdaughter]

I pray that this might give you some comfort and not pain.

First, I am very sorry that you lost your father to this dreadful disease. When my mom was in her last days we had hospice come into my parents home. We knew she was dying but we can never really be sure of the exact time. I told them that I wanted to know everything possiable to look for because I wanted to be there more then anything when she passed away. They educated me on the things that I should look for but they also gave me warning... they told me that she would be in control of when she was to take her last breaths. No matter how closely I watched for the signs I could miss her passing if she didn't want me there. I was told that termanally ill patients take into consideration on what they believe to be best for everyone and so they time the exact moment of death according to their wishes.

Even after knowing this I know that if I was to lose my husband I would be just as grief stricken as your mother is. My beliefs allow me to believe that when someone dies they are not alone and that someone whom they love has come for them. After my mom passed away I felt sure that she was with other of our loved ones who had already passed on which still gives me great comfort to this day. It might help you both if she will talk to you about her feelings so she doesn't feel so alone and you can get through this stuck phase and remember happier days with your dad.

Hugs, Shelly

[MSWKitty]

Thank you, thank you, a million times- thanks! I knew I could count on feeling better after reading the compassionate responses that I always, without fail, get on this board. Your thoughts and experiences make this so real for me. They make me feel so much less alone and afraid of completely losing myself. I know that I will get through this, and with my friends on this board I feel all the more blessed. Thank God for you guys!

Love and hugs,

Kitty