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please pray. Sorry if this is long.


Tami

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I'd like to ask for prayers. Not specifically cancer related but just problems dealing with life, I'm so tired of everything. I've taken on an additional job which now gives me about 80 hrs a week. It's really difficult juggling all that time at work along with 3 kids, pets and a house. I recently got married to a man I've been dating about 6 yrs. He is in his early 40's never married before... just lived with his mother who pretty much did everything for him. I just can't keep up. He likes big meals and I try to do his laundry and iron everything but "nothing smells the same as when his mother did it." He leaves every Sunday and goes to his mothers to mow the lawn and so things for her around the house she cooks him lunch and supper and he comes home in the evening. In the meantime I'm working at my second job and my kids fend for themselves for dinner. He is constantly upset over bills etc. because he's never had to pay for anything besides his vehicle payment-so he's not used to having to keep track of checks or ATM withdraws. I'm trying so hard to keep up with everything but I'm failing as a wife, mother, employee etc. My "real job" which pays the bills (I make more than my husband) has become increasingly difficult to the point where I don't sleep at night and I'm sick to my stomach in the mornings because I hate coming in so much. My position has changed due to restructing and it is EXTREMELY stressful and I hate it. I'd give anything to be able to apply for a less stressful job but it would pay less than what I'm making now and my husband will not allow that. My husband is angry with me because he say's I'm always miserable and tired and no fun anymore. He doesn't even worry about it anymore. My kids are stressing about middle school and I'm not there at night to help them with their homework, my daughter was just diagnosed with Mono on Friday and we were at the emergency room on sunday because she's so sick. That made me late for my second job and they were on me because I wasn't there to do my shift ( i did call them but we just don't have enough staff so no one could come in) I hurried as quickly as I could but I just can't seem to keep up with it all. I'm really worried I'm going to end up with mono and get very sick. I have no idea how I will be able to get things done if I get sick. I just hate living this way.. I feel blessed to be in a NED state right now. I've prayed for it for so long but I'm afraid it won't last and if I think that this is the end of my life I should be at least enjoying it a little don't you think?? I'm just so horribly depressed and I feel like I can no longer cope with things. Please pray that I somehow find strength and wisdom.

Thanks-

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Tami, do you really need to work 80 hours a week? Do you really need to work at all? Perhaps you need to take a little time to decide what is really important in life. At least some time to yourself. You can not keep a rat race like that.

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If there is one thing I have learned through this ordeal, it is that our priorities MUST change. I too have had some trouble adjusting since marriage -- making more "structured" family meals for myself, husband and son; maintaining a larger house, more laundry, more dishes....more everything! BUT...my husband is great about it and really does pitch in around the house.

I have finally figured out that it is OK to let the laundry wait until the weekends.....and if the bed doesn't get made in the morning -- oh well! If I don't feel like cooking -- better get that take-out menu ready! My health and my son come FIRST -- if he has soccer practice.....dinner is take out from somewhere. If I planned to do laundry and he wants to play outside -- let's go kick that soccer ball around the yard. We only get one shot at raising our kids! We also only get one shot at keeping our bodies healthy and taking care of ourselves, and working 80 hours a week is CRAZY! Before I was diagnosed, I was a workoholic and put in all kinds of crazy hours. NO MORE! I work 9:30 - 4:00 and I am out the door. The work can wait until tomorrow. My sanity cannot.

I think you said that day job pays the bills -- what prompted you to take on a second job? Can you sit down with your husband and work out a budget for each of you only working ONE full time job and maybe divide up some household work?

He apparently needs you to be less stressed.....your kids obviously need you to be there......and you most certainly need to take care of YOURSELF!

Thinking of you,

Heather

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Tami

As you probably know in your heart, this situation is outrageous. You need to have a talk with your new husband and let him know what you are telling us. I fear most of all that your children are suffering from not having enough time with you, which in the end, Tami, IS THE most important thing in the whole world. Believe me, there is NO way to get time back! Middle school is a tough time and an important time. I don't know the whole story about your financial situation but you need to think that through and decided what is most important--about every aspect of your life. I can't really understand how if you just got married you would need to have a second job, since now there are two incomes. I am not being judgemental, I truly empathize with you. I think the two of you have some decisons to make and I hope you find the answers you need for all of you.

love and fortitude

elaine

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Tami

The entire time im reading your post, I am thinking you are writing about me, almost exact same life, but then I get to the point where i see that you are the one with cancer. WOW, you must take care of yourself first and foremost. It is not healthy for a person who does not have cancer to carry that much load, much less one with cancer...I know you know these things, but are only doing what you know to do to survive and care for your children. If your new husband cannot provide you with more support, emotionally or finacially, i think i would reevaulate that relationship. Do you not have family near? friends? church? Anyone who can help you in anyway?

I am so very sorry to hear these things, it has really touched home for me, and makes me so angry when i hear someone going thru what you are right now. I dont have any words of wisdom for you, only that you and your children are in my prayers and as a mom myself with 3 kiddoes, a soon to be husband and a mom with cancer, i can be a good listener and friend, so if you nead a shoulder or an ear im here..

Take care and put it in the lords hands even if just for a day so you can relax a bit.

Kim

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I'm with Frank. I actually thought about saying something along those lines a few hours ago but didn't. Things in a relationship MUST go both ways. Sounds like a trip down a one-way for you. Work up the courage to talk to him. You just might be surprised....

Kris

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Tami,

I sent you a PM, I will NOT post it here. Please consider what I wrote, you are dealing with far too much for one person. I'm not sure you want me to pray for you to be able to continue with what you are currently doing, currently going through, currently putting up with. Tami, I'm going to ask for you to have insight, wisdom and courage at this juncture in your life, NOT tolerance.

xxoo,

Becky

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I'm gonna be real blunt, because life is too short to beat around the bush. Your husband needs to grow up in a big way. He married you as a package deal with your kids. You are not his mother. "Your" way will never be exactly like his mother. He either needs to accept the way you do things or the marriage will not work.

It's time to make some demands. If he can't handle things in the joint account, then get separate accounts. Have him pay specific bills out of his account - say, phone and electric along with his car and any "personal" expenditures. Can he heat a casserole for dinner a couple of nights a week?

If he's working, do you REALLY need 2 jobs? What can you cut back on?

If you can't quickly find an agreement with your husband, find a counselor quickly! Getting married should have added another adult to the household - not another child.

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Ditto to everything Frank, Becky, and Jen had to say. And whatever Backy sent you in a PM, ditto to that too, even thought I have no clue what it is. But I know she's a voice of reason.

You're only one person. And you're the only Mom your kids have. Think about what's most important.

Blessings,

TeeTaa

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Tammi

I tried to be more gentle with my advice, but if your read between my lines, I am saying exactly what Becky, Frank, Jen and TeeTea are saying. You know you have a wonderful chance of beating your illness, so why threaten that chance by getting some other one?

There are dry cleaners and meals that young people can make and Even husbands!

Pls do not wait for this to get better. They won't. You have a whole life ahead of you!

elaine

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Tammi

I agreee with everyone here, you really need less stress in your life

As your job pays the bills, if you can afford it, you should definitely take the less stressful job--it should not be whether your husband allows it or not--

If your husband wants big meals, and his clothes ironed, he should go to his Mother's every night and eat there and get his clothes ironed at the same time--you cannot take care of 3 kids, work 80 hours every week and then be expected to do all that--

I am sorry, but you need to take care of you---you have to think about yourself right now--

I do not know your husband, but my take is that he should be supporting you right now, not making life harder for you---and just how can you be fun, working 80 hours, cooking big meals, and taking care of 3 children?

You seem like a very strong woman, you have made it on your own before and I am sure you can again if need be. I am sure it easy for me to say looking in from the outside, but I just hate to see you so stressed out---as you know, stress can cause illness.

Please let us know how you are and how it works out ---Please talk with your husband and see if it helps---if not, perhaps some counseling

best wishes

Eileen

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Tami--

Ditto to those above, although I know it must be hard to hear.

I, too, was a workaholic who had to COMPLETELY rearrange my life--and I was not the one with cancer (nor did I have children).

Stress DOES lower your immune system--and the kind of stress you are putting yourself under is truly untenable. It is not a matter of whether you will crash and burn, but when, how, and how badly.

Not only can you not afford to get mono--you can not afford to let your immune system get run down to the point that your body is unable to fend off a more difficult illness to beat. You've already fought -- and WON -- that battle before!!!

I'm sure you love your new husband very much, and I'm sure he does you--as, well. But if you continue to run yourself into the ground... YOU MUST PUT YOURSELF FIRST--or you will not be able to be there for either your husband or your children.

It's like they tell you before take-off on an airplane--in the event of needing oxygen (being in a very difficult situation where you need help--like it or not), please put on YOUR OWN MASK BEFORE you attempt to put masks on your children or loved ones. If you are not able to function--you will not be able to put on their masks (give them the help they need)--and ALL will suffer.

Maybe try using this metaphor with your husband--so that he can see the practical side of it--and not feel attacked.

I'm sure your husband wants to help---it's just a matter of trying to figure out how he is best able to (we all have our strengths and weaknesses, after all--and he has many years of certain habits that will be hard to break).

Please keep us posted and feel free to vent any time. That's why we are here.

Melinda

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Tami,

When I first read this, I thought this must be a joke. Nobody could love someone enough to marry them and then allow them to work like a horse, do all the cooking and cleaning and then criticize them.

No one, healthy or not healthy, should be treated like this by someone who loves them, especially if you are not healthy. Your children need and want you there for them. You want and need to be with your children.

My mother always told me that if you don't treat yourself well, no one else will either.

True story. Earl and I were a second marriage. I had been divorced for quite a few years. I had always imagined that if I married again I could be the great career woman during the day, the gourmet cook in the evening and the s-- siren at night. At first, I felt very guilty that I had not the desire of energy to do all that and then I began to resent that Earl expected that. Then I opened my mouth and Earl said, no way do I expect this, any one on a given day would be just great.

Tami, do not let this continue. Treat yourself well.

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Well gee not much left to add except to say I love FRANK LAMB. A come to Jesus meeting is definately on the agenda and fast. He took the words right out of my mouth.

And here is what I have learned from reading Ann Landers since the age of 10 or so....mama's boys don't change. If you expected that once you were married you would come first you were sadly mistaken.

I also agree with whatever Beck sent cause I know it outlines the agenda for the come to Jesus meeting. :wink:

Please let us know how you make out.

Rochelle

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Tami,

I'm sitting here grinning. I read this post this morning while I was at work and couldn't take the time to write, but I thought about it a couple of times today trying to think of some way to say what I felt. I don't have to. Everybody else did it! Here's my response: ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto . . . . .

God bless you and good luck!

Love,

Peggy

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Ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto,ditto, ditto, ditto,ditto,ditto,ditto.....etc...

If your husband really expects what you say he expects...drop him like a hot potato. If he actually hears you tell him how you feel he may be able to tell you t hat he does NOT expect all of that..but I doubt it. Love is about doing what is best for the other people in your life...not just looking out for yourself.

You and your children are the important part of this equation. No human could do the things you are expecting of yourself. One job is just going to have to be enough. Take TIME with your kids and TIME for yourself.

Nina

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