MJ Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 sorry for the ranting in advance... i have been taking care of my mom for the past year now, and i find myself snapping back at everyone so easily these days. it's like i've "cracked" but i have no outlet to vent (except through this site, which i am entirely grateful for!). a few friends have been really amazingly supportive throughout this, but i feel like i'm being a burden or dragging them down when i start talking about everything that is going on (and that's all that i seem to have to talk about these days). ugh. it's just so frustrating... and with my mom...i look at her, and i miss my "un-sick" mom. i know that i'm so lucky to have my mom at all though, so it's just frustrating to feel guilty for that and sad/angry for everything else. i just miss not constantly worrying and wondering. i hate feeling this way. now everything seems to be related to cancer in my mind too. whenever my mom has a new symptom of anything, i automatically think -- cancer. like right now, my mom's left eye is bothering her (it's red, itchy, etc.), so i called her onco who referred us to a optomologist (app't is tomorrow). he thinks that it's probably conjunctivitis (praying for something as simple as that), but as soon as my mom said that the eye was bothering her, i assumed -- cancer. even if it's anyone else that is having symptoms of anything, i automatically think it's related to cancer. it's like i've become a hypochondriac in some ways (and it's terribly annoying). my mom finished wbr a week ago and is still on iressa, but she seems to continue to sleep most of the day and doesn't eat much due to nausea (has anyone had this experience?). it's even more frustrating 'cause i used to love to cook/bake (i would bake cookies/cakes for everyone -- coworkers, my parents' coworkers, friends, etc., even birthday cakes), and now even that has lost it's fun since my mom can't really stomach anything and she has lost her taste for food. and it's even more frustrating because we are just waiting to see if iressa/wbr are working (scans will be done in a few weeks). i keep returning to this site, and i find such wonderful people going through such horrible experiences with this disease. somedays i tell myself to stay away from the computer because i can't deal with reading so much sad news when i can barely deal with everything going on in my own life. but i log on anyway because it is only here that i can find the empathy and support that lacks from those that are physically near (i.e. most friends, since they haven't been through anything remotely like this). i have one friend who lost his father to lc a few years back, but i don't like calling him and burdening him with my troubles. i know that he would be supportive, but i feel like i'm just bringing back bad memories for him. plus, he's in law school now, so he is really busy as it is. sorry about the long tirade. i think about you all often (how can i not? you have all been so helpful). thanks for listening... God bless, mj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 MJ, Your lack of patience is tied to your stress level. Have you considered counseling? It really does help... Constructive outlets - bicycle riding? walking? tai chi? kick boxing? Something physical and exhausting...go until you can't go any more and it should help with some of that anxiety build up. It's more like hyperchondriac...and we all suffer from it. Really... EVERYTHING is due to cancer... ...maybe call that friend and see what he did to help with the stress or what he would suggest...this would be someone in your world that knows you and could help. Talk to your doctor about your life stresses right now. You may need medication to calm down your fears some. It's not failing to seek professional help, it's a wise thing to do, to know when something is bigger than you are and that you can't fight it alone. I would suggest a counselor at a cancer center. Call your local American Cancer Society for information on one in your area. As a caregiver, your "treatment" would be different than mine. You need some coping mechanisms, there ARE such things, you just have to seek them out. Good luck in your quest. Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 MJ, it is good for you to express yourself here. We all need to talk out our emotions and frustrations and concerns. If you have a friend you can talk with one-on-one, give it a go -- it will help you release and help them be able to reach out to you. You seem to be a good caregiver for your mom. How are you taking care of yourself? It is so important to do. Are you taking rest breaks, doing some fun things for yourself? Don't neglect yourself. As for you mom, it concerns me that she is not eating and she is sleeping all the time. Chemo plays heck with the tastebuds, but the patient has to eat to have the strength and immune system to fight the disease. Sometimes the caregiver must insist on nourishment for the patient. We have found that something small every two hours is better than three big meals. Try many liquids. And the contstant "snakcs" usually help control the nausea. I would find out from the onc about her sleeping al the time. She may be overmedicated. She has to have a life to fight for her life, so she needs some wake time when she can do something she enjoys. Hope things improve soon. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 thanks you don and becky for the posts. it's amazing how fast people respond on this site! and don, my mom is currently drinking 3-4 prosure/boosts a day (and throughout wbr). she lost a lot of weight during the treatments, but her weight seems to have remained constant since then (but she still needs to put on some pounds). i try to give her snacks a few times a day too. she eats about 1/2 of her normal amount of food though, but the supplements (drinks) have seemed to help a lot. as for her medication, she is currently taking -- 1/2 decatron/day (20 mg, i believe, but she'll be off of it on wednesday), 1 nexium/day (for the decatron's side effects), 2 celebrex/day (400 mg, i believe), and iressa. she also has anti-nausea medication (taken as needed), but it only seems to help minimally. i don't know if she's really tired due to the wbr treatments (she ended a week ago), so i don't know if that's why she has been sleeping so much. as for me...i know that i need to figure out some way to let off some steam. i used to be that person who had to do something "crazy" at least one time a year (i'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie...my friends have always said that it's my substitute for alcohol/drugs since i don't use either haha). but jumping out of a plane/off a bridge/etc. would just make my mom worry even more, so it's kind of hard to go do something like that. i used to swim a lot to let off steam, but i can't risk getting sick (and i often got sick when swimming at my gyms). i used to run a lot too, but i had back problems and was diagnosed with lumbar stenosis (doc says i shouldn't run...ever...better hope no one comes chasing me). it just seems to be one thing after another, doesn't it?! thanks for listening and posting, once again. God bless, mj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Lamb Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 MJ, What you have been doing for quite a time now has to be one of the most difficult things in the world to do.Becky and Don had good advice & I think most importantly is what Don said,don't forget to treat yourself to a life.You deserve it and and a R&R for yourself will make alot of diff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Hi, I just wanted to add that you are not alone. I think about it tooo much and a couple of my friends got conversations they probably could have done without - and I've not seen them since. I don't hold anything against them, they just aren't in a place they can deal with it. Makes me wonder about me, hee, hee. But I think we are okay, we are just in a tough situation, doing the best we can, we'll do a lot of things right and a lot of things wrong, just like everyone else. I know you will find an outlet - some sort of exercise that will release your tensions. I am increasing my yardwork ... Hope the rest of this week is good for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJAS Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 MJ, Boy, I can so identify with your feelings. I also talk about cancer a lot, because the truth of it is that our lives pretty much revolve around cancer these days. Every once in awhile I have my "cancer meltdowns" and I just let people know that's what's going on and have found them to be very supportive. I look around at other people and am amazed that they have "normal" lives. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to have that again. However, I do know that the things they let bother them and tear them apart often look so ridiculous and petty to me. Don't misunderstand me. I would go back to our old lives in a heartbeat if it were offered, but I can recognize some of the incredible moments we have had together because of cancer. Re. your mom's sleeping excessively. By all means, check it out, but don't panic. Steve slept most of the day for MONTHS after WBR. It is just in the last couple of months that there has been a big improvement. WBR just drains every last ounce of energy you have. Hang in there - your mom will come back to you. Just keep giving her your "special medicine" of love and support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Yes, MJ, it is pretty much "cancer 24 x 7"( as my friend Peggy said!) I seldom think about anything else although I do try. Is there anyone who could come and look after your Mom while you went out for a break somewhere. You really do need a change of scene. It is such a heavy burden for you to bear and I am so sorry. I do hope you will be feeling better soon. Love, Paddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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