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two months and "the big cry"


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Tonight at 11:35, it'll be two months, or sixty-two days, since I sat there and watched Terry take his final breaths while I held his hand, rubbed his arm, and told him how much we loved him and to go ahead and follow that beautiful blue moon, cause we'd be okay.

Well, we are okay, but there's one thing that's bothered me since then (okay, so there are actually more, but I'll only mention one here!). Several times during Terry's sickness, we shed a few tears together, but nothing really big and always with other people around. Three or four times, after I'd visited or spent time with him (such as at the beach), he'd e-mail me that he just knew that he and I had "a big cry" coming. The first time he wrote it, I was surprised, cause I'd thought the same thing, but certainly hadn't mentioned it (he was my BIG brother, after all!) Well, that "big cry" never did happen. Once he went to hospice, things happened so very quickly, and before we knew it, he wasn't really able to communicate very well with us. But while it may not have technically happened, I'VE certainly had OUR big cry many times since then. And I take comfort in knowing his spirit is crying right along with me.

The two month mark also leads me to reflect on what has gotten me through the past several weeks. And I must say, a very large part of my getting through this is because of the folks on this board. Yes, I've got a terrific family and an overall great support network, but THIS place has truly been invaluable for my grieving process. Maybe it's because Terry found you all and was always such a "computer" person - it seems appropriate that this is the means by which I've derived comfort. For that - listening to me, crying with me, grieving with me, laughing with me, picking me up when I'm down, and just being there - I thank you all so very much. This has been and will continue to be my most tangible connection to Terry, so don't count on me going anywhere anytime soon!

Now that I've had my "big cry" of the day, I'll log off and get busy. My older daughter's 7th birthday is today, and her Uncle TBone certainly wouldn't want me to be moping around. It's a day to celebrate, and we will, knowing he's with us every step of the way.

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you. Y'all just don't know what you mean to me.

Praying for us all,


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I don't know what to say...I am so sorry that you have this pain. The love of that your family shares is so evident and I know that not having T-Bone there is hard. Hug your babies close and know that your brother is keeping his arms around you. Happy Birthday to your daughter - have some gooood cake :) (my oldest is 7 also - aren't they a hoot???)

Much Love to you and your family!

Amy P

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Tee Taa,

I know the feeling, my husband died just 8 hours after Tbone and they had so much in common. They went thru pretty much the same horrible pain with the bone mets. Even when Rob died, he had the blue Moon shining thru the window too. I was so amazed to read your story after Tbone died, because it was so much like my story with Rob. Execpt that it was my husband and not my brother, although Rob and I had several good crys together. I knew Rob was dying and watching him go thru the pain was so hard, I always told him I was so sorry for being such a big baby and crying so much in the last few weeks. He didn't mind it, he cried too. It was so heart breaking. It is still so fresh in my mind, the night he died. I was a beautiful night, and it was also the day before he would have turned 49. You know that old saying, "once in a blue moon"? Well, I guess when Rob and Tbone passed that night, it was "twice in a blue moon". A couple other things that were so similar between them was, Rob had a brother named Terry. He also sort of resembled Tbone, with the hair, moustache and glasses. I told his brother how similar their lives were in the end. It was just so amazing. I wondered how many other people went thru what we did on that night of the "blue Moon" that we have no way of knowing! I just wonder...

This website has helped me too. I can't believe I have been here for this long, Its so hard to stay away, I always want to know how people are doing. I pray for us all. God Bless you!

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Tee Taa,

Thanks for sharing! Although I don't post very much I always come to this site for comfort and information. As much as my friends try to make things better, there is nothing like coming to this site and reading others experiences and knowing there are so many wonderful people "praying for us all".

I miss my big brother so much its been 15 days and I try to remain strong but I have my "good cry's" throughout the day. Often its when I am driving alone in the car.

My brother's son had his 30th birthday on Monday and It was hard saying happy birthday to him because there is such great sadness in his eyes. I myself had a birthday on Sunday and it was so hard knowing that I would not get my birthday phone call from him that morning.

Thank you for all your wonderful posts. I hope your little girl had a nice birthday celebration.


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