Signs You Hired Frank the Clown for Your Child's Bday Party

[Elaine]

* By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.

* Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.

* Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

* Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

* Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

* Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

* Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."

* Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

* More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.

* A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

* Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

* Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world.

* All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

[cindi o'h]

***hides some black and red checkers in his pants pocket and tells the kids to reach in there and find them.