Tommorrow marks one month.

[todayswinneris]

It certainly does not feel like a few weeks have gone since the passing of my grandfather. I still remember the daze I was wandering in at his viewing and funeral service. I was an emotional mess that day. One moment we were all laughing, and then the next tears swept over once more. Instead of my case improving on this, it seems to be going in the wrong direction. I find myself breaking down at random times because I see an object or picture that reminds me of him. My drive to work is not any better. The Baltimore Harbor (one his all-time favorite places), the business he worked in so many years, the 4100 Club where his friends and him ate lunch every Monday. Forget me on that though. My grandmother is the one worst off. They met when in high school, eventually falling in love together. He proposed at the age of nineteen and they moved into a small apartment. Fifty-five years of a solid marriage is what she carries with her. She misses him so dearly. The situation of her living alone is torn into two. Nobody wants to give up that house where there is so many memories. The other side is that we don't want her grieving by herself. It would be hard for my brother or I to move in. He is raising two daughters by himself (lost his wife to cancer also) and I am currently in the process of having my boyfriend of four years moving in with me. Maybe I do need to become more thankful for what I have now instead of being a gloom or doom mess.

My own family was not that stable back in the past. My father was always flying on the plane or talking on his cell phone. He was a business kind of person. He eats, sleeps, and breathes work. The problem was is he really had no clue how to show us any kind of love or comforting. Whenever one of us cried for having a hurt leg, he ran off in the other direction. My mother was pretty much left on her own to raise us. That is when my grandparents stepped in. My grandfather took the role we both needed filled in our lives. He did double duty just to make sure we grew up knowing someone cared for us. My brother and I grew so fond of him. I can't even begin to describe what type of person he was. He changed everything. His love for life was filled with an unusual passion you probably won't come across often. He had friends surrounding him everywhere. It was even difficult for me to keep their names straight because there is so many. Met some threw his job, men's clubs, church, and the places you would not expect. As you can tell--pretty much a social kind of guy. I loved the confidence he carried and the witty humor he owned along with it. He made all of us whole.

Losing him has been losing part of myself. I did not realize how much he filled my heart until he was torn away from me. He did an overwhelming amount for me. I wish I could pay him back--somehow. His smile and booming laugh made my face filled with more happiness than it ever will. He made the small things in my view so valuable. The cancer took him so quickly. Just after getting back from our annual vacation to Ocean City, Maryland, this past summer, our reality crashed down. That was the last time I saw him being himself--Tom Wright. That was the picture I want to remember before the disease started controlling the wheel. He was a strong man that would try to fight through it. At one point we all acknowledged there was not much left to do. All six cancers were too far in the process to put to a stop. I got to see him one last time, but in a hospital bed. His skin was a yellow hue and his eyes contained fear. I have never seen him like that. It gave myself a scare. This was all a new experience for me. I was about to lose one of the greatest role models in my life. Tommorrow, at 10:04 in the morning on October tenth, will be all too depressing.

I just feel helpless on how to pull myself together. Enough of me and my vents.

Love,

Laura

[kimblanchard]

First, I am so sorry that this has been so tough on you. But that is natural; it is normal to be emotional at places that held special significance for you and him.

Do be grateful for the many blessings of your life. Getting to witness a 55 year love affair is a rare blessing. You know better how to live because of the model your grandparents gave you. Take that model into your relationship now.

As the time goes by, you will remember more and more your grandpa living and not him dying. That pain is freshest right now. But the nurturing and the loving he provided will begin to dominate over time. I don't know if you can believe that now; I know that it feels like this pain is bottomless and eternal. And a piece of it will always be with you. But it will not consume you. If you can not believe that on your own, then trust us who have been there.

Take care of yourself. Give yourself the space and the time to grieve. Have you explored doing some therapy? I think it is a tremendously healthy thing to do.

Curtis

[kim]

My heart goes out to you. I just lost my beloved mother on Oct. 6th. I hope that soon, for both of us, that the memories won't be painful, but bring us much joy. I know that I will see her on the other shore, and there she saves a place for me.

God bless and keep you.

[stand4hope]

Dear Laura,

I did not see this post either. I am so sorry that I missed it. I even went through all the grieving posts last night to catch up and still missed this. Again, I am so sorry.

You wrote such lovely words about your dear grandfather. Your love and pride in him shine through your words. He sounds like a dear, wonderful and much-loved man.

I lost my dad on June 25 and I can identify with how the emotions just sweep over you when you see things that remind you of him. Most of the time I'm ok, but them wham! something hits me and here come the tears. I'm beginning to make plans for Thanksgiving dinner and just thinking of having Thanksgiving without him, my mom and my grandmother is very hard.

One thing I do know, though, is that I will get through it, as will you. You will get through each day, each hard time, and in time, the choked up feelings will begin to become less frequent, and the smiles will come, without tears, as you remember so many things your precious grandfather did or said.

Laura, please know that my heart is with you, and our God will comfort you and get you through this.

God bless you,

Peggy

[pecola]

(((((Laura))))), what a huge loss for you and it sounds like anyone who ever knew your grandfather. I hope you made it through October 20th in one piece and are feeling batter.

My grandfather also took the role that my own father never would/could and was the most important man in my life. Sometimes I still miss him so desperately. I'll smell something in the fall air, see an episode of one of his favorite shows, or see a Jadeite coffee cup, and it all comes back so fresh - the difference that time makes is that instead of crying most times that the memories overwhelm me, I smile. Time is a miraculous thing.

Thank you for opening your heart to us. I'm thinking of you and saying a prayer for you tonight.

Gina