Dina

Today is the hardest day for me since my Dad passed. Today is my Birthday and the first one in 39 years that I have not spent it with my Dad. I am just lying around all depressed today and there is a knock at the door.....hhmmmm....go to the door to find a man holding a dozen of roses with my name on it. On the card - "with love from Heaven" IN MY DAD"S writing!!!! I called the florist in tears - my Dad ordered these March 30th last year - 2 days before he went into the hospital for the last time. I begged him for a sign this morning - love never fails.... Just needed to share ..... Dina Dad - I miss you more than yesterday - but not as much as tomorrow.....

Thank you all for sharing your stories and the advice. I am going to try to get through my first Holidays without my Dad and get through January. My Mom has been hospitalized 3 times since Dad has been gone and she is having major surgery on Jan. 5th. She will be moving in with us after her surgery. Being an only child - my every minute has been consumed with my parents. I think once these things are behind me - I will be able to take some "me" time and see how I am doing then. Happy Holidays!!!!!!

How do you know the difference??? I should probally go see my Dr. - but I can't right now. My family Dr. for the past 15 years was also my Dad's family Dr. I can not bring myself to walk into his office yet....spilling my guts to a brand new Dr. is out of the question.

I just passed the 5 month mark of my Dad's passing. These past 5 months just don't seem real. I know he passed, I know he is gone...BUT - I don't feel he is gone. I still wait for him to wallk in the room. When the phone rings, I expect it to be him. I have actually "seen" him sitting in his chair - I hear him snore during his afternoon nap. My Dad was my everything - the feeling I have of him around me is so strong that it makes him feel real. While this is a wonderful thing - it is a horrible thing. I can not come to terms with his death when he is still so "here" for me. The strength he is giving me is amazing but at the same time - I need to hit bottom - I need to break down and accept things. Just rambling yet again -

Haven't been here in a while - Monday will be 3 months since I lost my Dad. 1 month after he passed - my Mom's lease was up - I am so thankful they sold their house 2 years ago - so.....I had to move her - found her a new place that is 3/10ths of a mile from me....perfect - I can keep an eye on her and feed her everyday. Did I mention I moved her entire 2 bedroom apartment by myself???? My Dad also had POA over an 87 year old lady for 20 years - she has been in a nursing home for 8 years. I became her POA after he passed - well, I just buried her on Thursday. Mom is so lost without Dad - she "stops by" 12 times a day and calls 10 times a day. She can't go anywhere alone - shopping, dr's appointments, lawyers - you name it - I have to go with her. I have no brothers or sisters to help me out - my Dad's family has not even called to check on my Mom - my Mom's family is out of state. Mom asked me the other day if she had the plague....if I don't call her - the phone doesn't ring. Even all their so called friends stopped calling after the funeral. I went to the cemetary the other day and screamed at my Dad - I am so mad at him for leaving me - for putting everything on my shoulders - but I understand he trusted me enough and he continues to give me the strength to handle everything. This is what I am meant to be doing right now. I just wonder if this is my new "normal" - I am so thankful that I have an amazing Husband and my children have been so understanding. Just rambling I guess - I need some down time so I can grieve - haven't had a chance to do that one yet......maybe during Mom's 4 hour stress test I am sitting through on Monday.....

Kristi - I am sorry you are having a hard time with all of this. I am the youngest of 5 and an only child - long story. 3 of my siblings never even knew my Dad was sick. Mom had surgery the same time Dad was diagnosed. That left me to do everything - every doctor appointment, every test - every everything for both of them up until my Dad's passing 5 weeks ago. Don't get me wrong - I was so worn down - I also have a husband, 2 kids - one only being 7 and a home to take care of. My parents never knew how beat down I was. They needed me and they had me - I knew those were days that I could never get back. I would cry every night - I have 4 brothers and sisters and have to do this all alone.....but - that is what I was meant to be doing at the time and in hindsight - I would not change a thing. My Dad's illness changed me - my Dad's death - well that just broke me. Just hang in there - one thing I didn't realize is it was just as hard for my parents to have to "depend" on me than it was for me to help them...... I hope you can find a happy medium and realize that alot of the attitudes they are giving you are comming from the fear they have with their diagnosis's ......the pain they are trying to hide from you and the guilt they are feeling for having to make you be the "parent" Stay strong - and remember - things could always be worse.

I hope you made it through the day okay. This was also my first Fathers Day without my Dad - he passed just 5 weeks ago. I spent some time at the cemetary with him and then took Mom out to lunch. I tried to look at the bright side - for the first time in 52 years - my Dad got to spend Fathers Day with his Dad. It didn't work for long - it still sucked big time.

TiredMom - Thank you so much for that poem. Today is my Mom's birthday - I took that poem and changed the "she" to "he" - printed it out on some beautiful card stock and framed it for her. I hope she loves it. I also bought her a Memory Box - These past 3 weeks have been hell on earth for us.

My Dad could not take any Narcotics. Whenever he took them he went into "Loop Land". His mind was in a total fog. They tried 7 different ones on him with the same results. His Lung cancer went to his spine and the only thing he could take was Tylonal. I would take to the Dr. and let them know what is happening - they can try to lower the dose or change the med. Keeping you both in my thoughts.

It has been 3 weeks since I lost my Dad. I always said I would need a padded room when this happened. I am so surprised at the strength he is still giving me. I have been blessed with 3 - yes - 3 amazing signs from him so far..... I received a card in the mail from one of my customers that read - Dina - you have 2 choices - you can cry because he is gone or you can smile because he lived..... I am choosing to smile....... Such simple words that have made such a HUGE impact on me.

It has been 10 days since I lost my Dad. I HAD to tell him it was okay to go....he held on in such pain waiting for me to say those words. Some of my last words to my dad were a HUGE lie. I did not tell him I wanted him to be free of pain, I did not tell him I wanted him whole again. I told him it was okay to go.....it wasn't okay. I have NEVER lied to my Dad and the guilt I am feeling for those last moments is eating me alive. Everyone is telling me I did it for him - which I did but that doesn't change the fact that I lied to him. I am so lost without him. I saw or spoke to my dad everyday for over 38 years - these past 10 days have be hell. I go to bed crying and I wake up crying - I know I have to learn to life my live without him - that is what he would want for me. My Dad was not just a huge part of my life - he was my life. I am so broken without him. Just thought I might feel better after typing it out....I don't.

My Daddy passed away on Mothers Day. At home where he wanted to be. We had him home 12 hours before he passed. I fought with him from the beginning all the way till the end. He passsed on Mothers Day, his wake is tomarrow - my son't birthday and he is being laid to rest on my parents 43rd anniversary......Did he pick these days because they are special to us or did he totally mess with us on this one???? I kept telling him I wanted to take his pain away - I would have changed places with him in a heartbeat - well I did it!!!!! He is pain free and I have the pain that will last me a lifetime. I am still numb - going through the motions - Everyone tells me he is in a better place - BUT - what is better than by my side......I guess once I believe he is in a better place, I will find some peace with all of this. I want to thank everyone here for helping me through this - Dina

Hi - I am so sorry you need to be here. My Dad has been fighting this horrible disease since 12-2006. If you need to talk or have any questions - just let me know. Everyone here is wonderful about answering questions and giving amazing support. - Dina

What a month this has been. My Dad has been in the hospital since the 1st. He woke up that day and could not get out of bed...off to the hospital we go. They did a bone scan to find his cancer has spread to his bones making its home in his spine. We also received the path report from a chest mass he had removed on March 19th - Cancer of an unknown primary. It was some type of "mucus" mass - so they assume it is in the GI tract somewhere. The cancer markers and blood results are showing cancer in the pancreas now too - which MAY be the new primary since it is part of the digestive tract...BUT - no more tests, no more treatments - just comfort care for him. They did 12 radiation treatments to his spine that did not help at all. So - here we are not knowing....no idea where the new primary is, no idea how bad the bone mets are. To top it all off - Dad is alergic to Narcotics - the only pain med his body can handle is tylenol. He is in so much pain that he can't even sit up anymore. Dad still wants to fight - he wants to continue with treatments even though the Dr's have said his chemo did not work. His Dr's said if we find out where all the Cancer is - it won't change the outcome. Dad does not understand that he can not be "blind" treated. I am still in the denial stage - the "what ifs" are eating me alive. What if the cancer can be treated?? What if they are wrong?? I am being selfish - I want more tests!!! I want to know - how the hell do I deal with all the unknowns? No offense to anyone - I do not have my faith to turn to - my faith failed me many, many years ago.

I HATE CANCER!!!!! Just 10 days ago my Dad took me to New York for my birthday. Then this past Tuesday he couldn't get out of bed. So, off to the hospital we go. He had a mass removed from his chest 3 weeks ago. We are told that is was cancerous but not of a lung primary - of an unknown primary. They are running test after test on him right now. His Oncologist feels there are 2 seperate cancers going on right now. Neither one of them the lung cancer that is in remission. The blood tests show pancreatic cancer yet they can't find it the scans and the mass from his chest shows a different cancer - it was a "mucus" mass telling his Onc that it is somewhere in the GI tract. The pancreas is cosidered the GI tract but she doesn't feel it is one in the same. My Dad still can't even sit up - the pain meds are making him loopy - Did I mention he now has Thrush.....no clue how he got that - he was not on antibiotics and is not dehydrated....maybe he is still breast feeding on the sly Hopefully we will have some answers soon. They can not do a PET scan as it needs to be done on an outpatient basis. The Onc told us she may never find the primary sites and we may just have to wait for more symptoms to show up. If you got this far - thank you....I just need to vent. Dina 4-6-08 Update They found my Dad has cancer in the pancreas with spine mets. As soon as his pain has been controlled he will be comming home.