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I Don't Want to Know



After receiving some good news on my brain and liver MRIs (no met), I started treatment a couple of weeks ago.  While I am not a candidate for surgery or radiation at this point, I remain at Stage III C, NSCLC. They have started me with four cycles of weekly chemotherapy, as well as immunotherapy every 3 weeks. I will complete my first three-week cycle this coming week. So far, I am feeling pretty good. Just tired.

I decided pretty much from the get-go that I did not want to know my prognosis. I have not asked my oncologist and he has not told me. I have erased what I have read online from my mind and I refuse to google anything more.  Here’s why.  It has been over twenty years since my mom died of pancreatic cancer. The doctors gave her 3 months to live, but she survived nearly two years. It was her refusal to give up hope and succumb to negative outcomes that helped her extend her life. And I am grateful for the extra time I had with her.  If I’m focused on a deadline of when I might die, I could easily lose hope.  So I’m not going there.

 I have decided to live and appreciate each day, regardless of how much time I have.  And that means being vigilant about my attitude and everything I do. I intend to focus on living.

When I look around at all the survivors who have come before me, I am in awe. You give me hope and strength.

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