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Mskim

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Posts posted by Mskim

    that was so flippin hard

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    I am so glad the day is done. My feet hurt, my eyes hurt, my heart hurts. There were 10 seats at my table instead of 11 and I had a hundred questions today that I just had to figure out myself. Every step felt like it took all my energy. By the time we sat down to eat I wasn't hungry.

    We should have just planned a trip for this year. Surely one Thanksgiving away would have been okay?!

    I just wanted to hear her whisper at the end of the day "you did a good Job" and I could hug her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her.

    I just want her back.

    Babies R Us

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    (((Nick)))

    My kids barely remember my mom and for my 9 year old, he finds it hard to remember her when she was well. I want to have more but I think, how can I without my mom (and dad for that matter)there to delight in everything?

    But like Pat said I know this: When you have a baby your heart explodes with ... oh I don't even know how to put it into words... it's just such a wonderful incredible glorious thing and it will put such a positive spin in your life. It will be something for you both to look forward to and concentrate on.

    I hope that someday we have another (I am 36 and we are giving it until I am 40) I think it will give us (me) something positive in our lives, I am praying the someday, the focus in my life will be the living, because right now all I can think about is what I don't and will not have.

    I pray for the same for you. I think, after reading your posts, a wonderful gift that your mom left you is your sensitivity, and your honest feelings that will help you be a better father and an awesome support system for the mother of your baby. You will see your mother in your children. I know I see both my mom and my dad in my kids in the way that they look and even their personalities. Right now that is bittersweet, but I know in time I will appreciate it more.

    Hugs and prayers for you and your wife.

    D-day #2

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    I am praying for you Val.

    I think our bodies remember the dates, then we look at the calendar and it just confirms the grief, tie that to the holiday and sad but wonderful feelings about that sweet baby thats coming... I can only imagine.

    We are on an insane roller coaster of heartache.

    Tattoo Who???

    in NSCLC GROUP

    Posted

    I have many tattoos, each was a kind of a cathartic way to grieve and remember my parents but were not representive of them in any way... when dad was killed I had one on my lower back (some clematis flowers and vines which are what I like not really what my dad would like) This is an area that is not too painful and hides well. When my mom died I had one on my back that only shows if my hair is up and my collar is low in the back (a big dragonfly). It hurt more but was well worth it.

    They can tattoo over scars, it kind of detracts from mine in a way. I most recently had a curly vine on my foot, over a large surgical scar, with 3 lady bugs representing each of my kids and it hurt too, but again, was cathartic for me and I wanted to do something to represent what I have instead of the have not... if you pick place where clothing will rub (foot, waist line, bra strap) wait until summer so you can wear lighter looser clothing.

    I think when you pick something, it does't have to represent wxactly what happened, just the act of doing it is the celebration of survival.

    Whatever you decide I am sure it will be great, it will be a badge of courage and triumph for you!

    Look at tattoofinder.com or to see a ton of tattoos on bodies look at rankmytattoo.com

    Good hair day!!!????!!

    in CAREGIVER RESOURCE CENTER

    Posted

    (((((((Gwen))))))))

    I am glad Hospice was helpful.

    I know how you mean about putting things off regarding your children. I feel bad about it too but we are just doing the best we can with what we have.

    The rubber band has been my friend... I can totally relate to 'How did I get here? It has been 5 months since my last hair appointment, and I think who cares?

    can't get the song out of my head

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    It is not a traditional funeral type of song but I played it at moms, of course everyone knew it was my pick... i think because I just finally made all the arrangements to have her ashes buried after Thanksgiving (Saturday morning) everthing feels fresh in my heart.

    It was on the radio all the time when mom was sick and it would rip my heart out knowing she would be leaving me.

    I only wish I felt as close to her as the song says...

    When I Look To The Sky

    Train

    When it rains it pours and opens doors

    And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry

    And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love

    That have to say goodbye

    And as I float along this ocean

    I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

    Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me

    And you make everything alright

    And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me

    And I can always find my way when you are here

    And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day

    And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before

    And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss

    And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

    And as I float along this ocean

    I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

    Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead

    Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly

    But with you I can spread my wings

    to see me over everything that life may send me

    When I am hoping it won't pass me by

    And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me

    there you are to show me

    Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me

    And you make everything alright

    Mom:(

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    (((((Dawn)))))

    even after 6 months, I am reeling at moments, there is something about a mother daughter bond.

    I wish I had some good advice, just know that there are prayers being said for you and your family and there will come a day, when it still hurts, but it won't knock you down every moment.

    I am so sorry.

    Can I get through this?

    in CAREGIVER RESOURCE CENTER

    Posted

    When my mom refusaed to take anti depressants and she was being abusice I told on her. I called her nurse practioner (she gave me her card at one point and some times my mom would see her instead of her oncologist) and had a long talk and they actually called her in for an appointment.

    She was very firm with my mom (mom wouldnt listen to us, we had no credibility)

    She asked how all of the drugs were working.. anti nausea, decadron etc...

    THEN She said "If I give you a perscription I expect you to take it. If it is not working for you then you need to let us know so we can do something else. If you refuse to take our advice for treatment then you will have to go to another cancer care center. We have to work together and if you do not feel that we are doing the right thing you have to let us know"

    This was incredibly humbling for my mom who never had a clue that I called her. She started taking her meds, (with a petualnt child attitude) and we also discovered that she was taking way too much decadron, she could't tolerate such a high dose so they tapered it off.

    You are in my prayers, I don't know how you do it. You are living with a stranger at times and I can't imagine how it must hurt you. It is a Thankless position to be in... so come in here and we will give you words of encouragement and support. We will thank you. There is something to talking to people who 'get it'.

    "I can't go on."

    in CAREGIVER RESOURCE CENTER

    Posted

    This is good and simple and true... we are a testament to it

    I felt like I couldn't, I did anyway, and I am still here, as painful as some days may be, I got through it.

    My stepdad, as big of a butthead as I think he is somtimes, said something simple and true as well (a year ago)

    "eventually it will all be okay, whatever road we are forced to travel". Eventually is just too hard to see at times but he is right, eventually either way.

    Prayers for us all, for peace when the road is so dark.

    I miss you Dad

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    (((Lisa)))

    I know and I am so sorry. I go to moms closet to help pack and I cry, I sit on the couch and see the blanket she used for nearly a year and I cry. I see her knitting and I cry. I want nothing to change, I want everything to change.

    I'm praying for you.

    sad sad day

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    I don't know why.. maybe its the torrential rain. I just long to talk to my mom. It hurts so badley I just don't know how to get on with the day. I am going to ramble now!

    When you heard that your (loved one) had cancer, did you ever think that this is what would happen? When my mom came down with pneumonia, just before memorial day in 05, they did a chest xray and said there was a spot... after she recovered from pneumonia the spot remained. I remember the pulmonologist called with biopsy results and said well, as far as lung cancer goes this isn't the worst. He said maybe some surgery and some radiation and you'll be good to go. Not a month later the oncologist went over her pet scan and gave us a 3b.... so much for that little tumor. Then came that "lets do an MRI just in case" and by the 4th of July she went from a little tumor to stage 4, mets to brain. Of course it was there all along, not like it spread in a month, they just didn't know.

    WHy do I continue to analyze this? Why does every detail of every day stand out in my mind and wreck my heart a thousand times over?

    One day we were walking through a craft store... we were knitting together and needed more yarn.

    She stopped, turned to face me and pushed her forehead against mine. We just stood there in the middle of the aisle with our heads pressed together. SHe said I love you Kim. She pulled her head up and turned away. I want to go back there.

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