thrashej

I read these posts and hear the wonderful stories of miracles but I wonder how God decides who stays and who goes.?? My father...SCLC with mets to pancreas and 4 lesions on brain....there was really no hope for him from the beginning and the chemo never really worked. He is 60 yrs and was in good health otherwise..?? But I read stories on here of even extensive SCLC going away to NED...so it DOES HAPPEN?? What do you think the odds of someone like my Dad going NED? Less than 1%? I don't know why I ask this, because obviously he is NOT in that small percentage. The cancer continued to grow everywhere in him despite and throughout chemo. What are your thoughts??

Thank you all for the feedback. I laid down next to my Dad in his hospice bed and held his hand today. I told him I loved him but that really was all I could do without breaking down. Honestly, I think it is him that is holding out on unfinished business. I just hope he can come to peace with his passing. And that I can bring my brother to see him I will speak more with the hospice staff if he comes to stay with me next week. Thanks again!

I need some information. Is it not OK to break down and cry in front of a family member dying of CA? My Dad is in the end stages of his life and every time I see him I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I feel like a lost little girl in his presence. I want to be strong, but I feel like all I want to do is say, "I love you so much, please don't go, I will miss you so much" and just bawl. I have heard that breaking down is bad but doesn't it show you really care too??? He is in hospice right now trying to convert to methadone from Oxycontin but is SUPPOSED to get out Wed when he is likely to have to come live with me. We are not sure if he will make it till Wed. I am going to see him today and plan to stay with him if possible. He won't let us care for him intimately and he has become incontinent of bowel and urine. Actually, he feels uncomfortable with ANYONE helping him, even the nurses. How do I deal with this? I want so bad to care for him....help him.....but he doensn't want it...WHY??. how will I care for him if we bring him home?????? I am so lost! Please help!

I need some information. Is it not OK to break down and cry in front of a family member dying of CA? My Dad is in the end stages of his life and every time I see him I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I feel like a lost little girl in his presence. I want to be strong, but I feel like all I want to do is say, "I love you so much, please don't go, I will miss you so much" and just bawl. I have heard that breaking down is bad but doesn't it show you really care too??? He is in hospice right now trying to convert to methadone from Oxycontin but is SUPPOSED to get out Wed when he is likely to have to come live with me. We are not sure if he will make it till Wed. I am going to see him today and plan to stay with him if possible. He won't let us care for him intimately and he has become incontinent of bowel and urine. Actually, he feels uncomfortable with ANYONE helping him, even the nurses. How do I deal with this? I want so bad to care for him....help him.....but he doensn't want it...WHY??. how will I care for him if we bring him home?????? I am so lost! Please help!

My Dad had WBR back in December. He didn't have many of the forgetfullness symptoms that people describe. Now, however, he has almost totally lost hearing in one ear which the hospice nurses say is likely from the WBR. But, he is also now having some major short term memory loss. He has recently switched meds from fentanyl patch to Oxycontin IR and SR so I don't know if this recent development is that or delayed effects of WBR. It's not just forgetting where he put his water, even though he does that too....We went to see my brother (who lives with my dad) when he was cleaning up his old house. My dad came with us, had a whole conversation with my brother. When we got back to the new house (where my bro lives with my dad) not even 20 min later, my Dad was walking around the house and said to me "Is he out in the backyard?". I said, "Who?" , he said, "Denny...is he in the backyard cleaning?" I said, "No Dad, Denny is cleaning the other house, he is at the other house". My Dad goes, "Oh. OK". It was weird though because he forgot that the whole thing happened, like a black out!! Then, after taking the Oxycontin IR before we went to Costco, he actually fell asleep in the middle of the aisle in Costco while driving the little cart thingie!! I had to go rouse him! He said the meds don't make him drowsy.. Is it normal to forgot whole situations like that? He does have brain mets but his onc said that they will not be the problem-causer, that the tumor near his heart will.....???? Any info would be appreciated!!

Just wanted to let you all know that my Dad was told there is nothing more the docs can do for him. They gave him weeks to one month. Hospice has been called in. He has been having some pains in his chest (around his heart) and the doc confirmed that the tumor is pressing on his heart. So...hopefully it won't take long and won't be as painful. Anyway, I am trying to clear the schedule and be there. Thank you all for your support. God has his reasons I guess.

You all had some great suggestions. I did talk briefly with my Dad today and got an idea about how depressed he is. I think it made him feel a bit better to talk about it. It wasn't good but atleast we layed it on the table. He called his doc and they upped his fentanyl patch (doubled it actually) and put him also on Percocet. He felt better after that, thank goodness, and ate a bit. Apparantly he had gotten overdue on his Fentanyl patch and had a bit of the withdrawal symptoms. Either that or increasing pain. Becky, When you say, "Remember who comforted you when you did difficult things that were new? Who wiped away your tears when you were scared to go to school or do anything that was new and terrifying to you at the time? Your dad needs some of that compassion, he's SCARED - and men aren't real good at being scared. Well, I can tell you it WAS NOT my father. My father wasn't the best of Dad's in that area. My childhood was filled with his addiction and manipulation. It is hard to see him now, abusing illegal drugs in addition to his prescribed meds, and not get angry. The old tapes play you know. You wonder if you are being manipulated now. That's all. Hard to stop that. Maybe I am being a bit selfish. But my Dad has been selfish all his life. It was always about him, always about my mom, never us. But we were the reason he chose to live, chose to seek tx. I just wish it were different. I am trying to understand. Trying to hold it all together. I hope I can for him. Thanks for all the suggestions. My father is somewhat religious and actually has a much bigger support network than myself. All things considered, he should not feel so poorly. He needs to see what he has. He has lived a pretty full life. I think he is so so afraid. He doesn't know how this cancer will take him and I think he is scared about having a painful death. I think I will approach his doc with the idea of hospice and see what he thinks. We go tomorrow. I'll keep you updated.

Hi all, I so much need advice. My father has fallen into a very profound depression. He won't eat unless you put food in front of hime and say "EAT" and even then it is only a couple of bites. He just goes from the recliner in the living room to his bed (mostly bed) with the drapes closed all day. He hasn't showered since last Wed!!! (over a week ago!!!!! ) My sister and I were over there yesterday and suggested it because the weather was warm so he would not get cold and he blew us off. You try to talk with him and he gives one word answers or stares off into space or snaps cuz he is irritable. Not so much irritability now. There was a lot a couple of weeks ago but now it just seems like profound sadness and despair. It is so sad to watch yet I just don't know how to change it or what to say. The odds of him seeking out a therapist or AD is very slim. He already has unmedicated bi polar disorder. He couldn't care less plus he denies there is anything wrong with him. Add onto that his addict personality and his current use of legal AND illegal drugs to help with his CA (supposedly). In my Dad's defense, he has been battling lung ca and cancer tx for a while. HOWEVER, it hasn't been that long and he certainly is not doing as bad as he could be!! The doctor told him only 6mo to 1 yrs to live. It has almost been 6mo!! I think he really thought the chemo was going to really kill everything. I think he thought HE would be the miracle. I think he failed to research what was wrong with him. No, I KNOW. Well, anyway he isn't the miracle. He is likely a statistic. With metastatic lung cancer the prognosis is months, even with treatment. He has four brain lesions, one lung tumor, and a mass on his pancreas initially. Well, after the first round chemo, a NEW TUMOR grew in his other lung. Dissapointed with that the onc started second line tx, Hycamtin (topotecan). Made Dad very sick for a while; he even needed a blood transfusion. Well, since a couple rounds of that his stomach started to hurt where he felt he could not eat. He also had a growing pressure in his chest. Well.....last Friday he apparantly felt somewhat better, the pressure was relieved and he could eat!!! My sister said his spirits were better a bit. I think he thought he has won. Fast forward to 5pm. Doc calls. "It's back and there is more" "other organs are involved". I think he was crushed. Now, he is more than ever acting how I previously described. To make it worse, he is MOVING!!! My brother is trying to move him (and himself) into this new house that already had furniture in it. So..we are making trips to the old house to get the furniture there to bring to the new, yard sale.....it's a mess to say the least, but necessary. So........here is my question. How do I approach this ever so sensitively?? I want to say that I care for him, that we hate to see him like this. I REALLY REALLY want to say "you knew the statistics, what did you choose to live for". I want to cry and flail and beat on him. I mean, what did he think?? And now, because it did not go his way, he is going to waste the last month (possible) of his life. We go to see him and he does this. It is like "HELLO!!! Aren't WE what you chose to extend your time on this earth for??" He honestly would be better off right now with a big ol' hefty shot of morphine to stop his respirations. He is that miserable. How can I help him realize that he is not dead yet and in fact, he likely feels physically better now than he ever will again on this earth? I realize he has been thru a lot, but what can be done from here? It's like they said in Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'" Which do you choose??? Thanks for any help. Janice

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. PET scan came back. Tx with Hycamtin (Topotecan) did not work. Tumors have grown and there are more. Topotecan was second line tx so I wonder what comes now...hospice??? My Dad has an appt Friday and I am going to go with him. They only told him so much over the phone. Yes, he is bipolar and drug addict, but he does not take medicine. He has never controlled it. Always thought meds were a bunch of BS. That is why he is so nuts and so hard to deal with. My brother has the same prob but chooses to take drugs instead. Horrible. I wish they would take better care of themselves. To make matters worse, my Dad plays the "guilt" card. No matter how busy you are, he will day "so, when are you going to come spend time with me??" He can be very, very, annoying. I am trying to keep a cool head. Compound all this by the fact that I didn't have the best childhood and we did not have the best of relationships...thanks to his history of addiction. So all those feelings are coming up. And then I feel guilty for feeling mad. It's a big POTPOURRI of feelings, LOL...!! Well, if anyone has any stories to share about SCLC and it's course, I would be interested. I checked out the links in the personal stories thread but you cannot search which makes it pretty time consuming... I look forward to visiting here. Thank you all for your support!! Janice

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. PET scan came back. Tx with Hycamtin (Topotecan) did not work. Tumors have grown and there are more. Topotecan was second line tx so I wonder what comes now...hospice??? My Dad has an appt Friday and I am going to go with him. They only told him so much over the phone. Yes, he is bipolar and drug addict, but he does not take medicine. He has never controlled it. Always thought meds were a bunch of BS. That is why he is so nuts and so hard to deal with. My brother has the same prob but chooses to take drugs instead. Horrible. I wish they would take better care of themselves. Well, if anyone has any stories to share about SCLC and it's course, I would be interested. I checked out the links in the personal stories thread but you cannot search which makes it pretty time consuming... I look forward to visiting here. Thank you all for your support!! Janice

Hi, My name is Janice and I am so glad to have found this site. I have read many of your stories and am so touched and amazed by the strength of you all. I am struggling in my own family battle and hope to get some help here. About me....I am 29, a nursing student, married. My father (60yrs) was dx back in November 2005 with extensive SCLC with mets to brain (4 lesions), pancreas. He had one lung tumor in his pleural cavity. He had a couple rounds of chemo (carbo and Vp16)and whole brain radiation. Most the tumors shrunk but a NEW ONE appeared in the other lung despite chemo. So...he started two rounds of topotecan but ended up needing a blood trasplant due to anemia. He had a PET scan last week and will get the results tomorrow. I am very afraid. He has fallen very depressed. In the beginning he was very hopeful but that has faded. He takes many pain meds and has even started in with some other "illegal" drugs. (he was a previous alcoholic/addict). He has no significant other and lives with my drug addict brother (yeah, NOT the best place, but it is what he wants). He is irritable and very sad most the time. He doesn't even want to talk much to anyone anymore. He turns his phone off so you can't leave a message. It is very, very sad. He says now he has a very constant pressure on his stomach and I think he truly feels now that he is dying (pancreas mets?) I guess the tumors can just keep growing and growing despite all the tx?? How sad. My father is a special situation. He also is bi polar. He is so hard to deal with yet I feel so guilty for getting frustrated with him. I hope that if he is dying now it will be quick.....My family and I (sister and bro) are trying our best to deal but we all feel like we are falling apart. All I want to do is sit in my room and cry. Sometimes I will want to go for a hike in the fresh air to feel better but then I feel guilty for having too much fun, like I shouldn't be having fun when someone I love is dying. I cannot believe how devastating this is. I have never lost anyone close to me before even by natural causes. I feel like emotionally I am not going to be able to cope... Cancer is a horrible, horrible thing..... Please introduce yourself to me. I would love to hear from others who have SCLC as well. I would like to know also if some of you had family members that died of this. What can I expect ahead of me?? Thank you all!!! Janice

Hi, My name is Janice and I am so glad to have found this site. I have read many of your stories and am so touched and amazed by the strength of you all. I am struggling in my own family battle and hope to get some help here. About me....I am 29, a nursing student, married. My father was dx back in November 2005 with extensive SCLC with mets to brain (4 lesions), pancreas. He had one lung tumor in his pleural cavity. He had a couple rounds of chemo (carbo and Vp16)and whole brain radiation. Most the tumors shrunk but a NEW ONE appeared in the other lung despite chemo. So...he started two rounds of topotecan but ended up needing a blood trasplant due to anemia. He had a PET scan last week and will get the results tomorrow. I am very afraid. He has fallen very depressed. In the beginning he was very hopeful but that has faded. He takes many pain meds and has even started in with some other "illegal" drugs. (he was a previous alcoholic/addict). He has no significant other and lives with my drug addict brother (yeah, NOT the best place, but it is what he wants). He is irritable and very sad most the time. He doesn't even want to talk much to anyone anymore. He turns his phone off so you can't leave a message. It is very, very sad. He says now he has a very constant pressure on his stomach and I think he truly feels now that he is dying (pancreas mets?) I guess the tumors can just keep growing and growing despite all the tx?? How sad. My father is a special situation. He also is bi polar. He is so hard to deal with yet I feel so guilty for getting frustrated with him. I hope that if he is dying now it will be quick.....My family and I (sister and bro) are trying our best to deal but we all feel like we are falling apart. All I want to do is sit in my room and cry. Sometimes I will want to go for a hike in the fresh air to feel better but then I feel guilty for having too much fun, like I shouldn't be having fun when someone I love is dying. Cancer is a horrible, horrible thing..... Please introduce yourself to me. I would love to hear from others who have SCLC as well. I would like to know also if some of you had family members that died of this. What can I expect ahead of me?? Thank you all!!! Janice