emmaleah

It was three weeks ago Thursday that my father lost his fight to this dreaded disease. I am going through all the motions of what my life was before, but I feel as though I am in a large fog and can't find my way out. Once in a while I think that things are getting a little easier, and the next thing I know i break down. I am 31 years old, and all I want is to feel my dad hug me and tell me everything will be ok. I call to check on my mom and dread it because he answered the phone everytime I called since he was sick. I walk into her house and still expect to see him sitting on the couch. I'm shocked everytime, and it hurts all over again. I keep thinking that I will never see him again, never be able to look into his beautiful blue eyes. Though my little girl, Papaw's girl, has his eyes. The funny thing is....everytime I get very upset or stressed...I hear a song that I taped for dad's memorial service, and it makes me feel better. I feel like dad is sending me some kind of sign that he is ok and that he is watching out for us. When I hear one of these songs i Just stop everything and listen....it feels like he is with me. I know I will always be devastated by losing my father, but I hope that someday it will get easier to wake up in the morning and face each day. Father dx with NCSLC in 12/02 Radiation began 1/03 Chemo began 2/03 Hospitalized w/ Pneumonia on 8/9/03 Left us 8/21/03

I have observed the messages on this board several times, especially in times that i have been discouraged or down. I have read the messages and grieved for the writers, but have never chosen to post until today. My father, my hero, was diagnosed with advaced lung cancer in December of 2002. He began to receive chemotherapy and radiation in January of 2003. Over the next few months, i saw this strong man weakened by these treatments. I truly believe that he hated these treaments, but did what he could to survive this horrible disease for his wife, children and grandchildren. My father began to have difficulty breathing 2 weeks ago today. He was diagnosed with a respiratory infection and given various medications. Two days later we took him to the ER. At that time, he stopped breathing and was placed on a ventilator. Though this was not what he wanted, it all happened so fast. He was then diagnosed with pneumonia and was treated for this. We all hoped for the best. We had several good days, but many bad. During this time, we found out that the cancer had spread to both of his lungs and he was not responding to any of the treatments. We then made the decision as a family to begin witdrawing the supports, because we knew this is what he would have wanted. Much to the amazement of his doctor, his nurses and his family, my strong, stubborn amazing father, survived 2 and a half days, allowing time for all of us to come to terms with the fact that we were losing the most amazing man. This afternoon, surrounded by his wife, his six children, a daughter in law and 2 of his grandkids my father gave up his fight against his horrible disease. In the end, I was honored to be there for him, holding his hand as he left this life. I was honored to have this amazing man be part of my life for 31 years, and I was honored to have had this man as my father, my teacher, my hero and my friend