KC
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Posts posted by KC
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My father passed away a little over 3 weeks ago and yet it feels like it was just yesterday as much as it feels like it was 10 years ago since I last could see or speak to him. It is very weird. I was doing better the first week then I am now. For some reason, I think it gets harder before it gets easier again, but the emptiness I don't think will ever go away. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am sorry you lost your brother to this disgusting disease.
Karen
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Jackie,
You just keep hanging in there and listening for those beautiful chimes!
Karen
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Andrea,
I am so very sorry to hear of your Mom's passing. I know how much pain you are in, I just lost my Dad 3 weeks ago. If you need to "talk", please feel free to PM me. I wish you strength for the difficult days ahead and for peace and comfort somehow. She will always live in your heart.
Karen
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That is awesome, awesome news!! I hope the GVAX vaccine works it wonders for her!!
Karen
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Karen,
I am thinking of you and praying that all went well today with your surgery and I wish you a speedy recovery. Let us know how you are as soon as you are able.
Karen
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Cathy,
I hope you managed to have a nice time at your brother's wedding this weekend and that being around your family helped some. How did the spreading of the ashes go? I hope you found the strength that you were asking for and that it all went well for you. Please let us know.
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Thank everyone. I have a hard time believing it too Cathy, but it's all too weird. In order to understand what I'm saying, I guess you would have had to read my two posts under the other topic "Sign from Dad". I forgot to mention that when we talked about the signs to send, that was two years ago and he specifically said 987, that is why I have been looking for that combination of numbers. I have been saying to all of my friends this week that I need proof and I still don't know if I'm getting it, but it is a nice feeling to believe it could be, huh?
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Thanks Debaroo! By the way, I can't see your picture on the website for some reason. Check out my new post, UPDATE on Sign from Dad.
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Ok, for everyone who read my post yesterday about the clock changing and my father's number's, etc. I have some more info! After I finished posting that yesterday, my daughter wanted to go in the garage for something. I still don't know what it was, I think she was saying "bucket". Anyway, I open up the door in my utility room that lead to the garage and there was a a bird in there! He/she was sitting on top of some boxes on the top of a shelf. Then he flew over towards us and landed on something else. It was really weird and startling. I opened up the door and it flew out, chirping away. Ok, so I call my mother up to tell her about the morning's events and she tells me that she swears that someone was in her room the night before. I was like "WHA?". She said that she clearly heard someone moving around her room in the middle of the night and it woke her up. She thought it was the dogs or the cats, but they were all sleeping beside her. She went back to sleep and then heard it again. She called out, but no one answered. Now, my mother swears it was my father. Mind you, she doesn't really buy too much into signs and other things, but she believes that their are spirits around us, she has felt it before in her bedroom, like a breeze going by her or rattling of the bed. I have had rattling of the bed in the past too, and that always weirded me out. She says it was my father taking over for whoever was watching over us before he passed away. So, I go to sleep last night and wake up in the middle of the night as usual. I finally fell back to sleep around 5:00 a.m. and I had a dream. I was driving in my father's car with him. He was driving. I think we were going to a doctor's appointment. We pulled into a parking space and parked the car. There was a little girl playing with a toy, I don't remember much about that, but I remember my hand fell onto the seat next to my father and his hand fell on top of mine and we were holding hands! And I remember feeling in my dream that it was so nice to be holding my father's hand and I knew that I shouldn't have been for some reason because he wasn't supposed to be alive and that I wouldn't be feeling his hand for much longer and it was just a really nice feeling and then I woke up! I tried to get back to the dream, but couldn't! OK, SO HERE COMES THE CLINCHER! Every morning since my father passed I have woke up and the first thing I do is look in the paper to see what number came out, if it was 987, like I mentioned in my previous post! WELL, this morning there it was 987!!!! The pick three for Florida last night was 987!!!! My father always played it and that's why it was his number! And there is was, the final sign. Could it be?? After all the happenings the past day and then the number I mentioned to you all yesterday morning in my post?? My father was probably trying to tell me to play it. I should have known to play it yesterday, but if it was a sign, I'll take that over the money any day!!! So, what do you all think?????
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Praying for a speedy recovery for David.
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Back in the beginning of my father's diagnosis, we were watching John Edwards Crossing Over together. I told him to make sure he sends me signs. He said that he would, with numbers. His numbers were always 987. I never mentioned it again until that last night in the hospital, but I don't know if he heard me. I kept telling him over and over again while he lay there the last few hours of his life, to send me the signs. I must have told him 100 times during those hours. I'll keep looking for the signs in numbers, today it was 10:21, even though I thought the first sign would be 987, but it was still numbers. I have been asking him all week for one, I hope this was the first of many.
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So all week I have been thinking that my Dad was always the one to remind me to turn the clocks forward and back when the time came and wondering, who is going to remind me this year. Of course, I forgot to do it last night before going to sleep because he is the one who usually reminded me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at my cell phone for the time. It said 8:50 a.m. I walked into the kitchen and I thought it was around 9:00 until I went to sign on the computer. Something made me look at the little clock in the bottom right hand corner of the screen and the time read 10:21 a.m. I was confused at first because i'm not fully awake and thought, how did and hour go by already!!! Then I remembered, we were supposed to spring ahead last night and THEN I remembered that 10:21 is my father's birthday! Oct. 21st! I felt like it was him reminding me to go and turn all the clocks in the house and I went ahead and did it before I forgot again! Am I reaching here?? Do you think it was a little tap on the shoulder from my Dad?? I do. Also, it was strange that my cell phone company hadn't fixed the time on my phone during the night. That is what they usually do. Anyway, just thought I would share with you all and see what you think. My father was always so organized and did everything on time, the complete opposite of me-LOL!
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My Brother
in GRIEF
I am so very sorry for your loss, Mike. I know how you feel. It feels like your heart has been ripped from your chest. I lost my father on March 21, 2004. You have found a wonderful place with wonderful caring people here. Hopefully, we will be able to comfort eachother and find peace. Please take care of yourself.
Karen
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I was just going to post the same question about my daughter who will be 3 in July. She and I lived with Grandpa for the past year, so he was like her father (her father ins't in her life by his choice). We buried my father last week and I explained to her that Grandpa was in heaven and that he had no more boo boos and that if she listens she will always here him and he is always in her heart and watching over her. I have been telling her that when she looks at the stars that's where Grandpa is. Today she saw a video with Grandpa in it from Halloween at Grandma's house. When we came home tonight, she ran in the house looking for him. She said I have to show Grandpa my shoes. I tried to explain again to her where he was, but she ran to his bedroom and looked for him in there, then she said "Nope". Then she ran to the den and looked for him. My heart was breaking for her. She keeps asking where he went and where he is. Then she says, I want to see. This has been going on for about 2 hours already. She looked like she wanted to cry, but didn't. Then she said Grandpa went bye bye and she wanted to look in his car in the garage. How do I make her understand that he is always with her but she can't see him and he won't be coming back? He was her best friend and her biggest fan. I feel so bad for her. I guess watching the video of him made him "alive" once more and she remembered all the fun. I guess I should find a pyschologist, I really don't want to put her through that, so I'm trying on my own to explain. Maybe I should ask her pediatrician.
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Thank you all so much. Your words really do help me, more than you'll ever know. I will read them over and over again until they sink in.
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Thank you everyone for your support. I hope someday that I will be able to give back as much as I received on here from such wonderful, kind people. Cathy, my father didn't look peaceful at all while he was lying there breathing with his mouth wide open and that bypass machine over his nose and mouth and the little specks of blood inside of it. The rattling sound was horrible and they kept coming in every so often to check is oxygen levels. I couldn't sit there waiting and watching and hoping. I probably would have and then my mother turned to me and said, "I don't know about you, but do you really want to be here when he takes his last breath?" "Don't you think that will be too traumatic for you, I know it will for me". And that is when I started thinking about how it would be at that moment of the last breath, but I kept saying to her, but so many other people stay with them, why can't I? And she said, "but he isn't responding to us". The nurse said he could hear us, but I still don't know or think he could. I hope so. We left and we expected a call during the night that he had passed, but it didn't come. So when we woke up in the morning around 8:00 and realized the phone didn't ring, my mom called the hospital and they said his oxygen was the same as when we left, still in the 60's. My mother was getting ready to go back to the hospital, and I told her that I wasn't going back there. That when I left last night, I took all of his belongings and said goodbye and that I couldn't go back there and watch him die. So she was getting ready to go alone and then the nurse called at 9:42 a.m. and told us he had passed away. My mom went to see him after he had gone, but again, I couldn't go. She said he was still warm and looked very very peaceful, like he was sleeping and that she talked to him and that she felt he could hear her more then than she felt he could last night. Again, I'm sorry I didn't go then either. This is the one thing I didn't want when my father passed away and that was regret. I didn't want any regrets, yet here I am with regrets. I'm sorry to burden all of you with this. I know everyone here has there own sorrow and struggles, I just have no where else to turn. My mother just left my house and told me that she wanted to clear out my father's clothes and belongings and donate them to make room because my brother is moving in next week. I told her I'm not ready to do that and she said I don't have to do it that she and my aunt will. I told her no. Why do I have to go by her timetable. She's mad, I can tell, but I don't want to donate my father's clothes yet. Thank you all for listening.
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Please tell me that I am not the only one out here who didn't stay with there loved one until they took their last breath? My father passed away on March 21, 2004, at 9:40 a.m. The dr. called us there the night before and we arrived at the hospital around 11:00. My father was already on a bypass machine and under alot of morphine. He wasn't responding to us, although we sat there and spoke to him for about 4 hours. I think once he squeezed my hand, but I'm not sure. I knew my father didn't want me there staring at him that way. I used to stare at him all the time and he just hated it. And when he was in pain the last couple of months, he always said to me that he never wanted me to see him that way. Even the last week when I would go to the hospital, he told me that there was no reason to come there every day, to just sit there and stare at him while he dozed in and out of sleep. He wanted me home taking care of my daughter, not worrying about him. This is how he was, always. He always told me not to worry about him, to just take care of my daughter. It was killing me to see him lying there, dying and I just couldn't imagine being there and listening to him take his last breath. I asked the nurse if she thought he would wake up at all and she said no. My mother and I decided to leave, as it was too traumatic and very disturbing to think about him taking his last breath. I put the cell phone to his ear and my brother told him what he wanted to tell him. He also told him to hang on through the night and to see if tomorrow was a better day. I said my goodbyes and kissed his head and told him I loved him and that I was going home to take care of my daughter because I know that is what he wanted me to do and then we left, that was around 3:00 a.m. He died about 6 hours later. I just couldn't sit there waiting for his heart to stop beating and now I am having tremendous guilt over the fact that I didn't stay with him until the very end. I was with him from day one of this horror for 2-1/2 years and at the end, I bailed and I'll never know now if he knew we weren't there or if he did open his eyes and if he felt hurt by it and I just feel so bad about it now. I feel like I took the easy way out for me and left him there to die all alone and I need to find peace with my decision. I know my father didn't want me to see him like that, but I still think I did the wrong thing. Am I the only one who didn't stay with their loved one until the last breath. I had the opportunity and I didn't do it and it hurts and I'm so sorry Daddy. I didn't want to leave you, I'm so sorry.
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Natalie,
I totally understand how you feel. My father just passed away on March 21, 2004. We lived together for the past 13 months. While I am very close to my mother also (they are divorced), and she only lives one house away, my mother and father are two totally different people. My father was my rock. He was my calming. He was the only person in this entire world that made me feel safe. Just knowing I had my Daddy in this world always kept me from going off the deep end with some things I had been through in life. He would do anything for me and I knew it. He was the only man in this world who ever really loved me and now he is gone and I am lost and scared. I have had terrible anxiety all day today, when I get that scared feeling. I've suffered from anxiety attacks for the past 10 years and trying to deal with them. This is a big setback for me. Especially, this time at night, when I'm in the house alone and my daughter is asleep. He's not here to talk with. We had breakfast and coffee together every morning, spent most of our days together and watched TV together at night. He was my father and also my daughter's father. Now both of us have no father and it's just heartwrenching. While I am very close to my mother, she doesn't have that same calming effect on my like my Dad did. We handle things differently, my mother and I and she seems to think that everyone should act and react as she does. I'm not like her at all in that sense, so it's hard to find comfort from her. But I love her dearly and she does everything for me too, but that safe feeling is gone and I'm scared. Now all I can imagine is what and how am I going to feel when it's my Mom's time. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, Natalie, and sharing these feelings helps all of us.
Karen
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What beautiful words for a beautiful woman. Praying for strength for you in the coming days.
Karen
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Here is the link to the tribute to my father that is on the Alcase website. The picture at the bottom was taken of the both of us at my daughter's Christening on October 7, 2001, just two months before he was diagnosed.
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Curtis and family,
Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your beautiful wife and your precious daughter's beautiful mother. Becky inspired me also and I am so sorry to hear that she is gone. May you somehow find peace and comfort in the days ahead. Much love.
Karen
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I am so very sorry to read about Becky G. My heart aches for her family. My father was misdiagnosed for almost 1 year, because he had quit smoking 23 years earlier. They treated him for pneumonia for almost all that time and didn't see the tiny nodules on the xrays. Until a CT scan was ordered. They also were testing him the year before for bone cancer, because he had too much protein in his blood, never thinking to check anything else. He had something called MGUS, but not bone cancer. When will this stop? Something must be done.
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Two days after my father passed away, I was up late at night with my brother getting things ready for the visitation. The door was open to his bedroom and one of the cats was in there. My brother tried to get the cat out, but he couldn't. My father hated when the cats when in his room. I was in the back of the house and when I came back to the den, my brother said did you hear the alarm go off. I said no. He said it went off, like I had opened the door or the window of something. Three short beeps whenever you open a door or window. I didn't hear it at all and I told him I had not opened any doors or windows. There was no reason that should have happened. I said, it must be Daddy telling us to get that cat out of his room. I really hope it was.
tomorrow would have been 28 years.
in GRIEF
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Shirley,
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. You were blessed to have had all those years with your wonderful husband and to be able to share your life together. I am sorry that this disgusting disease ended all of it, but may you somehow find comfort and peace in your memories. They will never be taken away and I know if you just close your eyes, he will be there right in front of you.