ksleeper99

I read your story and there are so many similarities to what I just went through with my mother. She passed on November 27, 2011. She had lung cancer that spread to her liver, brain and bones. Yes, bones too. She got diagnosed in August and I thought we had at least a year with her.. as it turns out, it was only 4 months of watching her suffer. I wish we didn't do chemo - I think it took whatever she had and pretty much finished her off. Watching her lose her hair and about 30 lbs in a few months, was excruciating to watch. She did not want to die and was in denial almost the whole time - she was praying for a miracle and deep down, I knew God wanted to take her home. She suffered from depression and had a hard time enjoying life... and when she found out about the cancer, she said "What did I have to complain about before? I have it all!" I cried. I knew he was going to bring her home to rest and I wanted my mother here with me. She was my best friend and my hero. A single mother, she raised my brother and sister on her own and we were her world. My sibilings and I went through the exact same thing as you... caretaker... watching the pain and fear in their eyes and my mom avoiding eye contact with me because she couldn't bare to see what it was doing to us. She was trying to protect us and told us that it would be all right. She suffered so much. Thanksgiving - we had no liquid morphine to give her (hospice ordered it too late) and she couldn't swallow so she was in pain. We needed a morphine drip. Three days before she passed, she laid there in and out of conciousness and was wincing in pain. She called us each into her room to tell us that she loved us and that we all had a special bond.. my sibilings and I looked at each other as if this was it and she said "and tonight is not the night". I still smile thinking about how brave she was and how she still had her sense of humor even at the very end, while enduring so much pain. The cancer in her hips made it impossible to walk to the bathroom so we had the nurse do a catheter put in a few days before she passed. She finally got the morphine drip on Saturday and passed 5:30 a.m. on Sunday. It was just about the worse thing I ever experienced before in my life.. listening from another room for my beautiful mother to take her last breath.. was beyond words and it haunts me to this day. I wish we knew what it would be like so we could have done things differently. I know my mom's cancer was bad... perhaps they let us know just how bad so maybe we could have had her in a hospice facility and been at her bedside instead so she didn't have to suffer. i wish things went differently. I am still in shock and denial that she is gone. I wish you peace and love this holiday season. We have 2 very special angels watching from above that want us to be happy - enjoy life!

My mother was my best friend and hero... she passed away last Sunday, November 27, 2011 from small cell lung cancer, she was 63. She smoked for 40 years and quit smoking 2 years ago. She was never the same after she quit - she was nervous and smoking calmed her nerves. She would say that something was not right with her, but I assured her it was only because her body was not use to being smoke-free - that she had to get use to it. She was otherwise very healthy - did Zumba classes and ate right. I WISH they gave her a chest x-ray 10 years ago - but they didn't. They gave her one in August because she had neumonia and couldn't beat it. We found out August 4, 2011 that she had small cell lung cancer... after an MRI and ct scan, we found out it spread to her lymph nodes, liver, bones and brian. She had spots on her brian and liver and wanted to do radiation right away to the brain to prevent neurological damage. (she showed no signs of brain damage) She would start chemotherapy right after radiation. I WISH WE WERE TOLD THAT she would spend the rest of her time on earth spent bald and throwing up rather than having quality of life for whatever time she had left. But we never dealt with cancer before so we didn't know. We didn't know that when it spreads to the lymph nodes, it usually means that you are incurable even if they try to treat you - we just didn't know. I watched my 140 pound mother go through 3 rounds of chemotherapy. It made her very, very sick and I wish we said "no"! After all, it didn't help. With lung cancer, often times small tumors pop out all over the body... my mother's started with 2 small ones on her back and then there were more. Small ones, big ones and they caused her so much pain. The pain started almost right away and the vomiting. Other patients at the cancer center seemed to do fine with chemo - some even went there on their lunch breaks - my mom was so very sick from it - something we thought was part of chemo, but it turns out it was more the progression of the cancer. Tums, anti-acids, ginger to ease the stomach - we tried it all - she was sick - couldn't eat and was in pain. I rubbed her every night - massage helped. One thing is that my mother never really fully grasped or even wanted to grasp that her prognosis was not very good and this is something I struggled with every day. She was a smart lady and I listened to her tell her nurses that she was a figther and was going to beat the cancer - I loved that she was a fighter and it broke my heart to know that the cancer was probably going to take my mother quicker than she understood (statistically). I am a firm believer in HOPE and prayer. I believe life and death and between the person and God - no one else. No the disease and not doctors - but the person. My mom wanted to live - she wanted to dance more - see her grandchildren go to the prom - eat pumpkin cheesecake. In the 4 months from diagnosis to the last days of my mother's life, my brother, sister and I were there to care for her - hold her hand, talk - and love her. But we watched her suffer so very much. Hospice was good, but not good enough. My mother's pain was not managed properly by the nurse who was comin weekly (yes, weekly)