minpin003

It's been just over a month since Mom went Home and I'm REALLY feeling it now. I burst out in tears at the slightest reminder, and just cry that I want Mom back. I know that's not going to happen. I hear people tell me the "She's in a better place" schpiel, and I just want to scream. I KNOW that, damnit. I KNOW that. But I've been cheated. I'm at the point where NOW I'm losing it. I was fine when everything was in the planning, but true reality is setting in. My Mom was the light in so many people's lives. At her wake and funeral, I realized that she touched so many people...so many lives. I had always heard of the police family, but to SEE it. As our friend said of her official police send off, "She loved this s**t." And I know that she did. But now it's over, and I'm picking up my pieces, and Gram's. My 92-year-old Grammie has just lost her youngest daughter, and I find myself getting agitated...I don't want to talk about the hole in my heart, but I can't talk about anything else. I want this hurt to end. I was told that this would happen, but never expected the intensity of what I'm feeling. I moved in with Mom on Oct. 1st to take care of her, but I thought I had more time, not that even that would have been enough. I go to work every day...I train with my dogs 3 nights a week. I keep busy. But in transit, in the car, is when I tend to break down. As you know, that's when we do most of our thinking. (sigh) Sorry for going on and on...I just needed to vent. The bottom line is I miss Mom. I'll always miss Mom. I don't think I'll ever truly believe that she's never coming back. There's a story about Mom and Dad (who have been divorced for 30+ years). One night, after my parents had divorced, Dad saw Mom at a party. She was wearing a red dress and had taken his breath away. Ever since then, when the song "Lady in Red" comes on, he would think of her. He had since remarried, but still held Mom in a special place. One of her requests she made when she passed was that she wear red. Gram wouldn't go for that, so we dressed her in one of her stunning black and pale pink pant suits (with her dancing shoes on the casket), with a red "unders" on, as a promise was made that she would have on red (we checked to make sure they were, in fact, on.) She will always be the Lady in Red. She loved to dance, and had always wanted to learn to Tango. She is dancing that Tango now, in a flowing red dress. On New Year's Eve, I adopted the Doberman I've always wanted. Her name is Dancer, with her (limited) registered name as "Janet's Red Hot Tango." For Mom. I'm sure she would have, instead, wanted me to find a good man, but I'll just have to find one that'll take my dogs and cat, along with me. She knows me.

Mom went Home Saturday, December 11th. It has been an honor to be her daughter and a part of the CPD family because of her. She has left me with so many gifts and treasures, all in the form of her friends. My heart is broken, but filled with wonderful memories. Mom can now Tango with some hot Latin guy (she looved them), breathe without effort and be without pain. She is never too far away. She is my heart and best friend. Mom...I miss you and love you. Janet K. Conley Conley, Janet K. (nee Andrews), Det. CPD, devoted mother of Shannon, loved daughter of Billie (nee Sturgulewski) and the late Casmir, loving sister of Robert and Arlene (John) Keehn, dear aunt of Steve (Debra) Keehn, John (Margaret) Keehn, Jessica Andrews, and Christopher (Heather) Andrews and the late Marcy Andrews, great-aunt of Max, Ross, Lindsey, and Julie Keehn, friend and inspiration to all who knew her, Visitation at the Cooney Funeral Home, 625 Busse Hwy., Park Ridge, from 3 p.m to 9 p.m. Tuesday. Funeral Wednesday, 9:15 a.m. to St. Cornelius Church, Mass 10:00 a.m. Cremation Private. 847-685-1002 Published in the Chicago Sun-Times on 12/13/2004.

From one newcomer to another. Welcome. Hang tight and be strong. Remember to keep a sense of humor. It may be hard at times, but humor does wonders. Humor and prayers.

Thanks to all of you for your kind words. I have to figure out how to put the additional info on (regarding Mom's tx).

I've been registered for a few months, but finally have logged in to find someone to "talk" to. My Mom was diagnosed with SCLC in may of 2003, and although she keeps surprising the medical staff, I cannot stay in Shanland, or my little world of denial, forever. Just this week she was hospitalized to receive 4 pints of blood as her hemoglobin was low-low due to chemo. The thing is Mom does not want to know her prognosis. She may have a feeling, she hasn't asked and hasn't researched, which has been helpful. It's to the point where I will be moving in with her in 2 weeks (the basement is almost finished being remodeled) under the premise that 1) I want to be there for her as much as possible and 2) to pay some bills. Mom is VERY independent and is having a hard time understanding the concept of not going to work. While it's good for her to keep busy, she needs to take care of her health first (she's a damn mule, I tell you!). She's only 56 years old (will be 57 this month), and I'm only 33 (will be 34 next month). I, along with her good friend, have spoken to the medical staff at the hospital. We know the dx. I'm having a hard time. A REALLY hard time. I am an only child, and my Mom is my best friend. And then there's my 92 year old Grammie (Mom's Mom) who will be devistated at the loss of her youngest daughter. I KNOW that I'm not alone (and Mom's not alone), which is why I'm writing this. Is there an online support group that exists, that I can come to while I'm looking for in-person groups? I can't do this alone. As much as I have the rest of my family, and my dogs and cat (they are my solace), I don't feel I can handle this.

I've been registered for a few months, but finally have logged in to find someone to "talk" to. My Mom was diagnosed with SCLC in may of 2003, and although she keeps surprising the medical staff, I cannot stay in Shanland, or my little world of denial, forever. Just this week she was hospitalized to receive 4 pints of blood as her hemoglobin was low-low due to chemo. The thing is Mom does not want to know her prognosis. She may have a feeling, she hasn't asked and hasn't researched, which has been helpful. It's to the point where I will be moving in with her in 2 weeks (the basement is almost finished being remodeled) under the premise that 1) I want to be there for her as much as possible and 2) to pay some bills. Mom is VERY independent and is having a hard time understanding the concept of not going to work. While it's good for her to keep busy, she needs to take care of her health first (she's a damn mule, I tell you!). She's only 56 years old (will be 57 this month), and I'm only 33 (will be 34 next month). I, along with her good friend, have spoken to the medical staff at the hospital. We know the dx. I'm having a hard time. A REALLY hard time. I am an only child, and my Mom is my best friend. And then there's my 92 year old Grammie (Mom's Mom) who will be devistated at the loss of her youngest daughter. I KNOW that I'm not alone (and Mom's not alone), which is why I'm writing this. Is there an online support group that exists, that I can come to while I'm looking for in-person groups? I can't do this alone. As much as I have the rest of my family, and my dogs and cat (they are my solace), I don't feel I can handle this.