You Might be A Republican If....

[Elaine]

You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people

were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic

minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to

welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck,

they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons

of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch

it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse

Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western

values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks

your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of

racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition

dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can

because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their

bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.