Life and choices

[lilyjohn]

I have been thinking a lot lately about life and choices. I want to share those thoughts with you. I know there are some who will think "oh no here we go again". To those people all I can say is stop reading now. For those of you who have gotten something from my past ramblings or who may be interested in what I have to say please continue to read.

Many things have brought us to this board. Some came for support, some for information and some because they find if not safety some comfort in numbers. Many came for all of those reasons. The one thing that we all have in common is that Lung Cancer has played havic in our lives one way or another. We share one common enemy, Lung Cancer.

No one here is the enemy. I know at times our convictions about certain issues can make it seem for a while like we are enemies but in our hearts we all know what the real enemy is. We may not always agree but that is what makes us individuals. Each of us brings our own life experiences. Those experiences have shaped our convictions and our beliefs. I know as well as most and probably better than some that circumstances can change our convictions and beliefs in a heart beat. A very wise person, whose name excapes me right now, once made a statement that goes something like this "I may not agree with what you say but I will fight to the death for your right to say it". That my friends is part of the very basis of our country.

Every circumstance is as unique as we are as individuals. What may be right for one can be wrong for someone else in similar circumstances. Life often gives us choices, very hard choices. Who is to say witch of those choices is right or wrong? It all depends on the unique situation and the individuals envolved. When and if the time comes that only one solution is seen as the right one we not only lose our individuality but a part of our humanity!

The fact that we are so different is what makes this board so great. We each bring something of value because we have had different experinces and because we come from so many places. There are people here from nearly every state and from around the world. Those of us from the United States know that the very reason for our existance is freedom of choice.

Our constitution guarantees us the right to Life, Liberty and the Persuit of Happiness. When one of those rights is threatened they all are. Thousands of people have died to assure us those rights. Many others have died to try to give those rights to others. If we lose one of those rights their deaths will have been invain. Our whole way of life will change and not for the better.

Every day of my life I struggle. I live on the edge of depression and have to fight it every day. I work hard and barely make ends meet. I often have to decide if I should pay a bill late or buy something that I really need. I have no medical insurance because I just can't afford it. If I let myself think about how dangerous my situation could become I fall into that pit of depression. I ache for Johnny with every heartbeat. I am 2600 miles away from my family.

Now let me tell you what is good about my life. I have faced heartache and more loss than most people ever know in a life time but I have survived. I am not weaker because of it but stronger. I am more humble and feel more compassion but those things don't make me weak they make me strong. I have learned to value life more than many do. When I talk to my family or see them the time we have together has become much more meaningful. Many of them have become not only family but friends. I have more friends than at any time in my life. Not friends because of birth circumstances or marriage but by choice. My choice and theirs. I keep the memory of a love in my heart that many have never had the honor of knowing. Things that I would have never taken the time to see before bring me joy. I have a relationship with my God that I would never have thought possible.

There are many who would judge my life as having no quality. They would judge only by what they see is wrong not what I know is right! Others would judge because they may think that I have no value to society. No one has the right to judge my quality of life. I reserve that right for myself. I think everyone deserves that right. God and God alone can judge my value to others or society.

Should God decide that it is time for my life to end I think I would be at peace with that but I believe that I have much more left to do. On the other hand should someone decide that they view my quality of life as too poor to continue or that they have the right to end my life when they choose they will have one hell of a fight on their hands

That is how I feel now. These are my convictions but as I said circumstances could change those beliefs and convitions in a heart beat.