Richard died back in Feb

[t_beanes]

My name is Tina . I am writing from Spain ...my friend and husband suffered from small cell lung cancer and has died of it 28 Feb this year.

I don't need to tell you what it means. Its all and everything and only people who have expirienced the loss of a beloved one know what it means.

The immediate thoughts of suicide followed by facing a world which has changed totally.

People one once knew and have disappeared, people which don't want to know ...bla bla

You might guess that I am not a believer in god and I hope this does not upset anyone ????

I cannot see any sense anymore......

So there it is ....I keep reading and want to keep informed about any news concerning sclc.

[Don Wood]

What are you looking forward to in the future? What keeps you going? Don

[t_beanes]

Believe it or not we have a little very old lady dog which I promised Richard to look after til the end.

And I have to fullfill a promise I gave him.I had promised to do s. th. to help research, or a person with lung cancer...in this vein .

Once I have done this I am free to choose.We have said that I will try if I can hack it, but if not that I will go where he is.

Which is all I am hanging on for at the moment as yet again I am crying like mad.

I have planted a 200 year old olive tree and english roses as I had promised as well....we had just found a house "with garden to be" in an area we had been looking for for 3 years and had bought it dispite Richard's illness. He was only able to live in it for 4 nights.

I really don't know who I am any more . I was so much "us" for the past 20 years ....we spent 10 years of those sailing ona boat and were every day together and loved it .He was so much help for me ...explaining the world and people to me as I often walked straight into desaster not beeing able to see it coming.have to stop cannot see any more.

I thank you for answering and wish you what you yourself want most of all.

[Don Wood]

I am glad to see you did some planting. That is a great tribute and reminder of your husband. I hope you will continue to do positive things in his memory. I think he would want you to have the strength to get through this tremendous grief. You have much more to give this life, if you just give it the chance. I hope you will. God's blessings. Don

[Carolsdaughter]

Tina,

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and for for loss of Richard.

Richard seems like a very wise man. He wanted you to have this home that you have reciently bought. He wanted you to plant some things and watch them grow. He wanted you to care for your dog. He has taught you much about people and living in this world. He has planned for you to have a future HERE.

Tina, you need to discover who you are and what you really want for yourself. Take what Richard has taught you and build upon that. Honor Richard by living the life he would want you to have.

Take one day at a time and when you feel like crying you should cry. When you feel like you want to enjoy yourself you should do that as well. Be kind to yourself and live each day to the fullest.

HUGS, Shelly

[t_beanes]

Thank you all very much ...it is sometimes like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide with me.. I guess...not a good comparison though. What I mean is that I have to live with myself and drowning in tears does not leave me this option ...so in a good moment I decided to find out, if I could get in contact with the spanish doc, who runs early detection of lung cancer trial in Pamplona /Spain( the only place in Spain).

I will be heading there around Oct. this year and may be he has got an idea how I can do s. th. to help people here.

I mean s. th. else than holding handy's...which is what the local hospital wanted me to do.

Richard had told me that he would have liked to contribute s.th.

I promised him that I would do it for him.

So may be I can cook s.th. up.

This gives me another outlook..

After a whole year of fighting against such a powerfull enemy and after so much hope ,it is an enormous drop into nothing to loose him.

And I had hope dispite knowing the facts and survival rates.We were both believers in his particular luck..which proofed the pudding so often but failed this last time.

Sorry if I hopp around in my thoughts I am still not back to my highly organized self ...which I was told is normal after a year like that.

How is that for you ?

[kimblanchard]

deleting all posts

[t_beanes]

What helps me is the strange thing which I keep telling myself and I told Richard at the time. "I DO NOT HAVE TO GO ON ...I CAN ALWAYS QUIT"I try and if it works fine, if not there are other possebilities.

This pressure relieve valve thinking helped me so far.

Richard asked me at the time how his "little one"was going to manage.

We spoke about so many things mostly through the flowers so to make it not to painful and tearful.

I don't know if you were able to do this ?

We were very good friends apart from lovers.

I do not want anyone else but I think you are very much younger and life has a lot of surprises still to come.

I am already 46 years old and I had 20 years with my darlingeepoohs, as I called him sometimes.(he was 55).

I just want him and my memories, never anyone else any more.There ..on go the waterworks again.

By the way the weight loosing or rather not eating happens to me as well . I have lost 8 kilos already and am aparently underweight...could not give a bean.