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thoughts on so many things


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First of all I want to thank those who answered my last post. I am proud to say that I am now 12 days smoke free. Thanks Katie for the web site. I will try to get to it this weekend. It is not easy by any means but so far I am making it. My one worry is that I will gain too much weight witch I can not afford to do. Because of that fear I got out my old Weight Watchers books and am trying to pay attention to the points that I am using each day. I don't expect to loose any weight right now but I don't want to trade one problem for another.

I will say that I seem to have more energy sense I am not smoking. I can walk my dog after work and not feel like I am going to fall on my face before I get home! I also notice that my ankles are not as swellon as they were at days end. Those things alone give me extra incentive to stay smoke free.

I just read the post from the lady who is telling about her husband dying. I wanted to answer her but I don't know what to say. My heart breaks for her. I not only ache for her now but I know that soon she will join so many of us in this place where we stuggle to learn how to live again once we decide that we do want to stay alive.

Some other things have me bothered tonight too. When I got off work tonight I saw smoke. I found out there is a big fire burning on the other side of Redding. It is too far from here to be of danger to us but it brings back so many frightening memories from last year. I have been uneasy all summer. There is little chance for another fire right here where I live because there is little fuel left to bring a fire here. Still I can't help but feel a little uneasy of the really hot days when that wind blows so strong. I also know there are nearly 20 miles of forest between here and my jobs. Any day I may not be able to get home if the road should close. Because of that I carry an extra set of clothes in my car and leave a key so someone can care for Misty if I can't get home.

When I saw the smoke I thought about an older couple that I have spent a couple of weekends with. They live not far from where the fire is. I was a little uncomfortable when I stayed there last time because their home is surrounded by large trees. I pray that the fire does not move to where they are.

I watched the huricane and worried about my dear friend Ann and another of our friends who lives there. Now it is past them and I have to worry for a few more days. My children and grandchildren are in South East Louisiana.

My grandson started college Monday. My granddaughter did too but he moved from home and she didn't. He is going to LSU in Baton Rouge. He hopes to become a lawyer someday and maybe a politician (He said don't worry Maw Maw I will be a good one you would be proud of). Knowing him he would too.

My granddaughters boyfriend went straight from High School to the army. He is taking the same training that my youngest son did. He will be starting Jump School soon. He is supposed to start school when his training is finished but they are already telling him that they may just send him straight to Iraq. God what is this world comming to? Always so much to worry about.

My work is the one area other than my family where I feel more blessed each day. I have the best boss and she is so helpful and understanding. She makes sure to give me as much work as I want and can handle. She has me set up for a good winter schedule where I can be home very early before it is dark and still earn enough money to make a fair living. She is also planning on giving me one weekend a month that will make up for what I will be losing by working shorter hours.

The best part of my job is the people I work with. These people are just so special. Why is it that so many people shy away from people once they get old? They have so much to offer. They have lived through so much and they are willing to share what they know. We could do much worse than listening to them. Many of them have dementia but that does not take away from their past experience. They remember all of that very well. It is just what happened a minute of ten minutes ago that they can't remember. Don't people realize that some day that could be them? Maybe that is the problem. Maybe they are afraid to be reminded.

In the past 6 months I have met so many people who I can't help but believe that I have been led to. I have two ladies who have lost their husbands in the past few months and I can relate to them. They talk to me because they know that. We are both helped when we share. I have also had one client who lost his wife last year to LC. I have one woman who lost a son to LC recently and another who lost a daughter to LC not long ago. I also have one lady who is an 8 year LC surviver and is still NED. Three of my clients have ties to Washington. As I said once befor one ladies daughter lives right down the street from where Johnny and I did. Another lady has a son in Lacy right outside of Olympia and still another was born and raised in Washington and has strong emotional ties to all of the ares that I grew to love so much.

I guess I am just rambling tonight. Reading a few posts has just brought a lot of things back to me and it seems that I am feeling very nostalgic tonight. I keep praying to dream about my Johnny. No that is wrong. I keep praying to have a visit from him again. So many of the signs have stopped and that leaves me frightened. I want to know always that he is not so far away that I won't be able to find him when my time comes. All of my other dreams died with him. Being with him again some day is what makes my daily struggles worth while.

Sorry for going on so much. I just can't seem to shake this mood. I pray for all of you each day and I wait eagerly to learn about those who don't post any more. I am still wondering about Paddy. Has anyone heard from her sense she moved from California? How are you Karen? I wait anxiously to hear of Dean Carl, Keith and Carleen and Fay and also wonder about Bruce and Dolly. So anyone who has been missing lately and happens on this post please let me know how you are doing. My thoughts are with you as well as my prayers. God Bless you all. Lillian

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