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trying but it is so hard


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I just got home about an hour ago. I have been gone sense Monday morning at 8am. I had the heat off so now I am sitting here with my sweater on and wrapped in an afghan with a cup of coffee trying to warm up. I don't usually mind the cold. It is the heat that gets me but for some reason I am freezing and just cant seem to warm up.

I was so worried when I left here Monday. We have had temepratures in the 70's for weeks but suddenly they were telling us it was going to snow. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to go to work and would lose my best days pay. Then on my way to work I prayed all the way that it would not start snowing and catch me on that road going down to town. I made out fine and it didn't start snowing until after I was there a while but I learned it started here just minutes after I left. I spent the night in town because I had an overnight job for 2 nights so it all worked out fine.

You know I am really trying to get through this difficult time in one piece. I know that once I get past the next two days things will get better. Those first days and weeks after Johnny's death are just a blurr of sleeplessness, pain and searching for information. I don't remember every minute in detail. So I know that I will make it but right now it is not easy.

I think too that my finacial situation will improve too. I almost believe I am having these problems as a deversion. To give my mind and my heart small breaks from what tears me apart emotionally. I'm also trying to find a way to sell my wedding rings. When I divorced I kept them. I wasn't thinking about what they were worth nor do they have any real personal meaning. They were just one thing that was mine. One thing that I could keep. I got shafted so bad with everything else.

I go to work and try not to think about the date. Then I have to do my paperwork or someone will ask me the time and I'm back there 3 years ago. Every minute and every detail are branded on my heart and when I see the time I know exactly what was happening at that time on this day. It was just so tramatic, so heartbreaking and so uncalled for. I know I will get through it but it is just so hard.

While Johnny was sick I had to be strong. I couldn't let him see my fear or my pain. He counted on me. Then after he died there was no one. I was alone in a strange place. His kids were there and I was very close to his daughter in law and his oldest son. They just had a lot to deal with at that time too besides Johnny's death. They were moving and she was due her baby. There was no one to hold me and let me cry out my pain.

Johnny's sister and his niece came to my house but that was for only one day. His sister was having such a hard time that I had to be strong for her.

Then I moved to be near my niece but that didn't help either. She helped me finacially until she ran out of money but I could't talk to her. She had lost her husband a few years earlier and she was more messed up than I was.

I have visited my children twice but I can't talk to them about Johnny. They just don't understand. My daughter knows a lot because she has read part of what I have written about us but she has never really talked to me or allowed me to say too much. I know that she understands and she cares about my pain but she is in the middle. So there has never been anyone to really turn to.

I ache sometimes for someone to just hold me and let me cry my heart out. I feel like it would help but there just isn't anyone. The only one who ever really knew me well enough to understand my pain and what I am going through is Johnny. He would understand and he would hold me. I know he is here with me but I can't hold him and he can't hold me. I know that I am sounding selfish but just once I want to be weak. I don't want to have to be strong all of the time. Just once I would like for someone to take me in thier arms and let me cry and know that the understand and really care.

I read Donna's post and I can so relate. I had those thoughts myself so many times those first few months. I have lost so many that I love and it doesn't get easier it just gets harder. When I lost Johnny it was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. There are just no words to describe the pain and the feelings of being lost.

I just can't help but wonder if that is not the reason I have had so many strange experiences sense Johnny's death. Could it be that he does still understand and holds me the only way that he can now :?:

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Lillian, it is very, very hard. I'm so sorry you have all these struggles that add to an already heavy burden of grief. Please know that we all do care for you. I admire the kind of work you do, and the way that you put your whole soul into it. You are furnishing your elderly clients the kind of comfort that you yourself are yearning for just now. Please trust that the caring you are giving will come back to you someday in some way. Hoping for your financial situation to turn around soon.


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