It doesn't always work

[lilyjohn]

I come here first of all to apologize for not coming often enough to offer support. I do come and read everyday but hardly ever take the time to respond and I know that is wrong after recieving so much help from the wonderful people here when I have been in need.

Katie and Barb, Giny and Nick and Randy and Ann and Coleen and so many more who I love dearly and pray for every day. I want you to know that I haven't forgotten you. I feel your pain in every word you write, the problem is I also feel my own pain no matter how much time passes.

I try to keep busy especially when I know that some day that has signifigance is approaching. I do a lot of sewing and craft projects for charity , my family and my neighbors. I get caught up in them sometimes and they take over my life and my time. I am still trying to learn to do the things I love and to take time to just relax. It is not easy for me.

I know that a lot of the things I do are busy work. Don't get me wrong. I love the things I do even cooking for my neighbors but I know that sometimes I need those things to keep my thoughts from going to that dark place that seems to always be awaiting me.

I have noticed this past few months that when one of those dates is close something comes up to keep my mind so busy that it takes the edge off of the pain. Either I will experience a physical pain of my own or something will come up that needs my attention. I am not sure how much of that comes from my sub concience and how much comes from God looking after my needs. Sometimes I even think Johnny is still around finding ways to protect me.

Right now are the aniversary days of the good weeks that we had. I don't remember too many spacific dates but I remember the special moments and I can still see his face and the light in his eyes when he looked at me, often times I see him as the young man I first fell in love with over 50 years ago. Others I see him as the crusty but gentle older man who still looked at me with the same light and love that he did when I was 15.

In less than two weeks will be September 19th. On that day we made a trip from our home in Centralia to Lake Quinault on the coast of Washington. That special day is burned into my mind and into my heart. It was such a wonderful day and that evening we sat in a parking lot in Aberdeen and watched the full moon. I remember him taking my hand and telling me that he wanted us to watch the moon rise because we had never done that and because it was so romantic. The next day through one careless and heartless remark my world started to unravel. It just went from perfect to hell in a matter of hours.

I try not to dwell on the bad days or his death. I want so much to remember every minute we had together because they were so few. Even the bad memories are a part of our time still it hurts. I want to remember because I need every memory and every part of him. At the same time those memories stab at my heart and I remember the pain and above all just how much I had for such a short time and how much I lost.

I know that so many of you know what I am saying. Unfortunately you too have experienced the pain of loss. To the ones who are new to the loss I can only say that you will find that the only way to go on is the completely rebuild your life. You really have no choice because the life you knew is gone. A new life and a new begining built on the love and joy that you knew but will have to keep only as a very special place in your heart. God bless you all and thank you for letting me once again open my wounded heart to you.

Lillian

[Calintay]

(((Lillian))) I am so sorry my thoughts are with you during this difficult time.