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My Turn About Feeling Guilty


KC

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The last year of my father's life he live with myself, my 2 year old daughter and my 3 cats. He bought a brand-new house for us in Florida and we all moved in together. My father was used to living alone and was barely home and his house was immaculate. Needless to say, I am not the neatest person that ever lived and with 3 cats and a 2 year old, and all the stress I was feeling and depression, I didn't clean as often as I should have. Not to mention the cats were clawing at some of my father's furniture and sitting on the couches, chairs, etc. He wanted me to have them declawed, but I thought that was inhumane and refused. We had a couple of fights over this and I am feeling very badly about them now. He also witnessed me yelling at my 2 year old daughter more than he would have liked to see and more than I would have liked to have done. I think it was the stress of what was happening to my father and the getting used to the new living arrangements, etc. I had lived on my own for 12 years until I had my daughter in July 2001. Then I lived alone with her until we all moved in together in February 2003. So it was all a big transition. I feel badly that my father had to be put in a position where he wasn't able to spoil his granddaughter the way he wanted to because he lived with her. It is different when a grandparent just comes to visit, then the spoiling won't make much of a difference. He tried to spoil her and I let him to a certain degree, but I wasn't going to just let her do whatever she wanted around the house without some sort of discipline, which in turn made her cry and let's just say there was a lot of turmoil in the house sometimes. He felt that I should just let a lot of things go and I felt that my daughter needed to know her boundaries. I can't explain fully what I am trying to say, but I just wish that I had been more patient while my father was still here. I just hope I made him proud. Just sometimes the stress of everything was too much and I lost my patience too often. (I didn't beat my daughter or anything, I'm not speaking about abuse, I'm just talking about some yelling and arguing). I feel like I am being more patient with her now, I just wish I could have been while my father was still here. Sorry for the rambling, I guess this is part of the guilt part of greiving.

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When your dad was younger, and a "new" parent, he had times like that too- I'm sure of it. Everyone does- whether it lasts a day, a week, or several months, it is something you recognize and are trying- despite the stress and sadness now- to overcome. Good for You.

You are a good mother for wanting your child to have set boundries- and you shouldn't keep kicking yourself for your short-lived patience when your family was going thru this awful journey. You read like you truely loved your dad and if he built a house for his daughter and grandchild to live WITH him, I can assume he loved you very much too.

Of course he was proud of you. I'm sending positive thoughts and hugs your way...-----> ((HUG))

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