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Between two worlds. My trip


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The first leg of my trip was a two week stay in Sunnyvale visiting my family there. I also got to see Pam and her dad and mom(Johnny's brother) and was plesantly surprised at the improvement I see in him.

As always a visit there left me with many mixed feelings. I was born there and grew up there when the Santa Clara Valley was the fruit producing capital of the world. Now it is the Silicon Valley and the changes that has brought leave me sad. The weather is still probably the best in the world and there is still a lot of natural beauty there but the things that I remember from my youth have mostly disappeared. There is just one 5 acre orchard of cherries left in Sunnyvale. Other than that it is almost impossible to find any orchards in the whole valley. People moved there in record numbers over the past thirty years and in the process they have destroyed much of what they moved there for.

I had a good visit with my family and Johnny's family. There are so many good resturants there that I actually gained nearly ten pounds in two weeks. Not the best thing to do but I did enjoy it.

While visiting with Pam and her dad she showed me a video that she has. The video was made in 1993 when Johnny went for a visit. It was so wonderful to see him so alive and happy to be with his brother. The best part was to hear him sing and play the guitar again. I had been kind of down feeling that I would be alone on my trip and was needing one of those special signs from Johnny. I want so much to believe that I got one on that tape. There was a song that Johnny wrote years ago about our love and seperation. He never wrote the words down and I thought they were lost forever. When I heard him sing that song on the video I felt that he was giving me the sign I was looking for. I was so enthralled in the video that it never occured to me to turn my video camera on and tape it that way. I planned to go back one more time and do that but circumstances kept me from doing that. One thing I did get to do was visit his sister Betty's grave. I had only been there once sense she was murdered in 1974. When we were young she was my nest best friend after my love and best friend Johnny.

The trip from San Jose to Los Angeles was a good one and time seemed to fly. I met a lady who was 84 years young. She is a real lady and her and I hit it off right away. I'm not even certain how our conversation turned to our lost loves but before long she knew the story of my reunion with Johnny and his death and I learned about her first husband who died in WW2 only two years after they were wed. Like me her first love was really the love of her life. Not only do we have that in common but she too has experienced many of the signs and very real (dreams?) that I have. Because of our new found friendship the 8 hour delay in LA really didn't upset me. We spent the whole night talking and before she got off in Arizona we exchanged addresses.

The time with my family in Louisiana was really wonderful. The first day after a 3 hour nap(I had only slept 3 hours on the train) I went to my 3 year old granddaughter's birthday party. She is so cute and watching her sure brought back a lot of memories.

I took turns staying with each of my three children. I had time with all of my grandchildren and that was a special time for me. The wedding was beautiful. My granddaughter was a beautiful bride and the whole family participated in the ceremony in one way or another. Emily(the three year old) was her sister's flower girl. She was not shy at all and practically dragged the little ring bearer down the isle :!:

While at the wedding I got to visit with many of my ex husband's family. They all seemed happy to see me. It is so strange that again just like last year I felt more accepted as his ex than I ever was as his wife! I felt that they actually like me as a person and was told by more than one person that they admire me for the courage it took to change my life. Who would have ever thought. I did have spells where I felt the old injustice that has always seemed to be so much of my life. It is hard to have always been the one to make the sacrafices. I was the one who had to leave my family behind when we moved to Louisiana and I was the one who had to leave my children and grandchildren to have a chance for a new life and a little happiness. Now my ex has inherited from his parents(his dad give them everything after his mom died) and he has no financial worries while I struggle.

It was very hard to leave them all again but I know even more now that I made the right decision. While there I tried to picture myself in that life again and I couldn't do it. Just the thought scared me. My oldest son asked me again to move back there. I know that they miss me as much as I miss them but I just don't belong there. Everything reminded me of the stress and reasons that I left in the first place. I got to spend a lot of time with them while there but they took that time to be with me. If I lived there I would not have much time with them because they have their lives and I would have to work. All of that and still I would not be happy. I just can't see myself doing that again.

My ex FIL is having a very hard time dealing with life without his wife of 62 years but I learned that he seldom mentions it to anyone. For some reason he would talk to me about how he feels. Maybe he knows somehow that I understand. My ex has been really good to him and there for him in many ways but I learned that he can still be very cruel in his treatment of him and others. I guess some things never change.

The trip home was long and there were many delays but again I met some wonderful people. Had I taken any other form of transportation I would have missed that. The last few miles my heart soared as I started to see landmarks that told me I was getting close. I love this beautiful place where I live. There is so much beauty and nature here. Somehow I feel much closer to God and to my Johnny here.

It has been very hot sense I got back. Yesterday the temperature was 107. I live in a mobile home and my cooler was not working :( Thankfully I have a good landlord who spent 3 hours in that blistering heat working on it. He didn't have to do that because the home belongs to my niece not the park. It sure was nice to finally cool off. The small air conditioner I have only cools the bedroom. There is not a lot a person can do in the middle of the day but when evening comes I once again rejoyce to be in this paradise. I can sit in my yard and hear only the wind in the trees and the spriklers running and maybe a dog barking in the distance. Neighbors drop by and welcome me home. I find that I have learned a lesson that Johnny wanted so much for me to learn. I know how to relax now and just enjoy being. All of my life I felt like I had to be busy. I even felt guilty when I took any time for myself. Now I can sit for hours and just get lost in my surroundings.

When Johnny first died I felt that God had given us back to one another and then took him away. I felt as if I were being punished for loving him. Now I know that dispite all of the pain that is not the case. For five short months I had the man who is so much a part of me with me in the flesh. Now I have him with me for eternity. I could have missed that had my life been different. Our love and our time together was a very special gift from God. A gift that I thank Him for everyday. I have changed and I think it is for the better. I still have many regrets and I still get very angry and depressed at times but I allow myself to feel those things and work through them. A few short years ago I couldn't have done that. Because of my love for my Johnny and his for me I actually like myself now. I even realize that other people like me :!: I've come a long way.

I got small things that I choose to believe were signs that Johnny was with me on my trip. I took his shirt with me to snuggle at night(I just can't seem to stop needing something of his with me to sleep) twice when I was very low his scent was on that shirt again after being gone for months. One night I could swear I felt him touch me. The other signs were small and could have been coinsidence but I choose to believe they were not. On the train one morning feeling tired and depressed I looked out the window to see a sign that said Fields road. I was at my daughter's house and walked in from outside to see a bag of Mrs. Fields cookies. A lady on the train interupted a conversation with another couple to tell us something about a pet rooster. A rooster being one of my signs from Johnny that I had asked for when I left Washington. Can all of those things really be considered coinsidence :?: I think not :!:

Sense I am home I again feel his constant presence. I hear the quail roosters crow and when I say to him that I need a cool breeze one comes. I have seen a pair of quail in my yard and just this morning while writing this I heard a noise outside and when I looked there was a whole flock of quail in my front yard. My paradice may not be even one thousandth what Johnny's is but it is paradice and home. God has really been wonderful to me dispite all of my loss and heartache. I had and do have the most wonderful of gifts. A love that knows no bounds even in death.

Now I prepare to battle the heat and do some serious job hunting today. I ask all of you to pray that I find something soon. My funds are running dangerously low. I guess I should be in a panic about that and would have been a few years ago but now I trust that something will come up with mine and your prayers and with my Johnny always looking after me. Life is hard but I thank God everyday for the many gifts that he has given me. Lillian

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