[Survivors Fears]

My fears are much like Connie's. It's only been about five weeks for me but the fears have been so intense.

The first week, I was convinced I would die...everyone dies from lung cancer (that is what I believed), no one can live with this type of cancer. I didn't realize my own cousin in Venezuela has stage IV NSCLC and is on year six. He called me immediately when he found out and told me I was not going to die and to get that out of my head.

So I go on each day, get up, wash the leftover dishes, get the kids up, get ready for work, work all day, come home, clean, cook, do laundry and try real hard in between Dr. apt.'s to pretend like I'm fine. But what I don't talk about with my husband is my real fears. Why I don't want to die:

-How will my husband afford the lifestyle the kids are used to and will he just sell the house and move the kids to the city after I worked hard to always stay in the suburbs.

-Will they learn the value of going to college if I'm not here to guide them, since no children in my husband's family have ever gone to college.

-Will he be frustrated and move them out of the country to his homeland where their opportunities have limits and women are still treated as second class citizens.

-Will he marry some crazy woman so my children will be living with the stepmom from hell. But at the same time, I don't want him to grow old alone.

-will anyone tell the baby about me and how much i loved her.

-Will someone throw away all my personal belongings and then when my children are older and are looking for them, there is nothing for them.

-how much influence will my inlaws have on my children's lives.

I think of all these things and think that I am being foolish but many nights these are the things that bother me. I begin to write things down..."journal", "notes within book jackets", "messages behind picture frames", "inventory lists of belongings", "instructions for my husband such as the appropriate way to handle "senior Prom" type things" But then I stop because it will take too much precious time and energy to do all this, work, clean, cook and go through treatments.

So then I tell myself "nope, I shall not die, it's not in my plan so it can't happen". I absolutely need 18 more years and that's what I'm begging God for.

lilly

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[CALLING ALL LC SURVIVORS!!!]

I wanted to reiterate Connie's message to all LC survivors that quietly are part of the board to come out and say hello. I am new to lung cancer and have not started my treatments yet. Chemo and radiation planned for July 10th. The first two weeks before official diagnosis when my pulmonologist told me something did not look right on my CT scan and sent me for a PET then Biopsy, I was absolutely sure I was going to die quickly. All I could think about was Peter Jennings and Dana Reeve. As a mother of 3 kids that I still need to raise, I was falling apart and my family along with me. Luckily I have always loved my computer and the internet and started looking up "lung cancer" and I found this site and posted a message. The most wonderful people on this board must have noticed the despair in my post and I had so many messages of encouragement that I said to my husband a few days later "Maybe I won't die" and my attitude started changing. I am know ready for treatment and ready to fight this with my entire sicilian clan behind me to help me get through this. Anyhow, I couldn't feel as good as I do right now without the folks on this site who are willing to share their survival experience. Just knowing that each of you is here and alive gives me hope every day that I will see another day. Thank you to all of you that have come forward. I hope five years from now, that I will be helping someone else on this site who just was diagnosed and not sure what to expect.

Hugs to all

Lilly

[Good Test Results!]

Great news meredith!

[Confused about lymph node involvment results]

Duplicate post from SL board:

On 6/14/06 I had a mediastinoscopy and bronchoscopy to determine if PET scan was accurate indicating that two lymph nodes were involved in my NSCLC. The doctor called me tonight and unfortunately I'm still learning that I should ask more questions.

They biopsied all of the mediastinum lymph nodes and only #7 (1 node) is cancerous. He said as he previously recommended, Chemo, Radiation and then surgery was the course of action. I have my appointment with the medical oncologist and radiation oncologist on Friday to plan the chemo and radiation.

My primary tumour is in the right upper lobe. They had staged me IIIA. Question: I read that cancer in certain nodes is worse than others although all is not great. Once chemo and radiation is done, and they do surgery do they remove the lymph node? My husband will be with my on friday and I'm going to write down my questions before we go but if anyone understands any of this, some insight would be great.

Lilly

[Four Years and Counting...]

Congratulations...wishing you many more years!

[CT Results]

Joe,

I'm sorry to hear the news but I'm sure you will get through this as well. Praying for you and your family.

Lilly

[Need Hair Opinion from the Women of the Board]

thanks for all your advice on the hair thing.

I have 12 inches of hair so once I'm ready, I will donate it to locks of love. I wish sometimes I could wear a t-shirt that screams "I have Cancer" on the front and back so I don't have to stress about who knows what. Today at work I was soo uncomfortable because I have a two inch scar just below my neck but right on my t-shirt line from the medianoscopy I had on Wednesday and I found myself constantly pulling my t-shirt up to hide it so I didn't have to explain it to the entire building of 300+ people.

this is too stressing to deal with on a daily basis. the good thing is the 17 people that work for me all know and they know so I don't have to worry about them asking me "what happened to your neck".

Lilly

[Need Hair Opinion from the Women of the Board]

Within the next two weeks, I will be starting Chemo and Radiation although it has not been specifically scheduled because I'm waiting for some biopsy results. Not sure which chemo drugs yet but my guess is they will be strong as I was told I would be given very aggressive treatment. Therefore, I'm assuming my hair will start to fall. Hair is one feature I have that I have always loved and have never had short hair in my 40 years.

I'm considering calling my hairdresser and telling him to cut my hair to the most stylish shortest cut he can do for me so that my children can see what I look like without the long hair and also to prepare myself for the inevitable. Someone told me the long hair falling out may be very upsetting and may be easier to deal with if my hair is short. What do you all think? Would love any opinions.

[TAnn at Peace]

my deepest sympathies to Teri's family.

[newbie]

Hi Donna,

Welcome! I am also fairly new to the board diagnosed end of May by my pulmonologist that gave me no real information, was officially diagnosed IIIA NSCLC on June 9, 2006.

I will start Chemo and Radiation soon so I cannot give you advice there but the PET scan was very similar to the CT scan except it took longer. The worst part was drinking the substance that reminded me of Maalox so they could better see my intestines abdomanol area.

Because I am Claustrophic, for my Brain MRI I took a Xanax one hour prior and kept my eyes closed for the hour test and only began to panic for the last five minutes. I didn't need any medicine for the PET scan.

[Diagnosis NSCLC Stage IIIA]

First I want to thank everyone on the board for giving me wonderful advice and support on my first post last week on the welcome board. The Thoracic Oncology group at Yale as diagnosed me with NSCLC stage IIIA. I had an MRI last night to check to make sure there is no brain MET. If that is clear they will do a mediostein (not sure how to spell this)biopsy of the two lymph nodes in the middle of my chest to see if they are defintely cancerous. They are assuming they are currently. Once that is done this coming week I was told, then I will start 6 weeks of concurrent Chemo and Radiation. After that I will have surgery to remove part or all of my right lung.

I'm feeling better than I was a week ago but I'm feeling very numb most days, having a hard time just living life and trying to be normal. I want to try and be normal for my children but it's really hard.

It's also hard when everyone constantly is asking how you feel as if you are going to break into pieces any second. There are days I just feel like a leper.

My 81 year old father said to me that I need to stay strong and live because for every day I live the more advanced the technology and drugs to treat lung cancer. That is what I'm counting on.

[I have a small cell cancer]

meredith,

I'm new here and to cancer and still trying to grapple with my own diagnosis but I will send prayers and although I have lung cancer all cancer is terrible. My grandmother died in 1929 of another very rare cancer. Cancer of the Vulva. Back then there was not much for treatments. I pray every day for a cure for all of us. Hugs.

Lilly

[Mom of 3 (diagnosed last week)]

I'm an ex smoker, mother of 3, 40 years old and diagnosed with lung cancer last week after needle biopsy on 2 cm lesion on lower right lung.

Going to Yale-New Haven friday to discuss lymph nodes in mid chest that also lit up on PET and potentially biopsing them during surgery. I still cannot believe this has happened and that I may not see my 6 month old even reach her 1st birthday. I can no longer sleep and am so depressed.